Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

jesus and mary were walking through jerusalam when jesus seen an angry mob adout to stone a woman. he quickly rushes to the front of the crowd and asks "why are you stoning this woman" the crowd repley "shes a hore, prostitute, slag, stone her." jesus quietens the crowd and then asks, "if anyone here is pure and a virgin in mind and sole then let them throw the first stone." all of a sudden a huge brick flies through the crowd and hits the woman smack bang on the head and kills her. the mob goes wild and jesus walks off to mary at the back of the crowd and says "mother sometimes you really p*ss me off !"

2007-09-19 22:03:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of us in glass is set.
Another you will find in jet.
The third you may see in tin,
And the fourth is boxed within.
If the fifth you should pursue,
The last may never fly from you.

2007-09-19 21:53:06 · 5 answers · asked by trai 7

A man rode into town on Sunday and rode out two days later on a Sunday.

2007-09-19 21:25:51 · 5 answers · asked by ngiandeh 1

> Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman
> in the shadows.

> Twenty quid " she whispers. He'd never been with a
> hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only
> twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're
> going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a
> sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

> "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

> "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers
> indignantly.

> "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

> "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined
> that light in her face.

2007-09-19 20:50:11 · 29 answers · asked by raybbies 5

I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work ....
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a
REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!

He was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT fuc#ing happy!"

So I said, "Which fuc#ing one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started....

2007-09-19 19:58:58 · 8 answers · asked by leolady0765 4

To: All Employees
From: The program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
Date: TODAY
Re: S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T . than anyone else. If
you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your
supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. Seriously will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they
don't have to take S.H.I.T. Anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching
others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

2007-09-19 19:40:12 · 18 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

Help me!!! I can't figure out if my glass is half empty or half full!! How will I know?

2007-09-19 19:07:18 · 11 answers · asked by barkleydog 2

You may never know, cause I get the feeling that they can't take a joke!

2007-09-19 18:32:35 · 7 answers · asked by Ahab 5

2007-09-19 18:23:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The name of a country is hidden in each of the following sentences. Find the country's.
1. If you are adventurous, you want a fast boat, but if you just want to be out on the water, a sloop or tug alike will do.
2. He lost the rally because he got lost on the way, not seeing a semi-hidden marker.
3. He opened the window, and, with a loud buzz, air entered the room along with a wasp!

2007-09-19 18:12:46 · 7 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

There was this old man walking down the street with this beautiful young lady on his arm and smiling. His doctor walks up to him and says, "Wow! you look really great!" He responded, "Just following your orders. You said, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful!'". The doctor looked at him very concerned and said, "I said you have a heart murmur, be careful!"

2007-09-19 18:07:48 · 11 answers · asked by im sure 4

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?




A: An Amish drive-by shooting

2007-09-19 18:03:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal

2007-09-19 17:59:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.



42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese in the trap.



Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis. Raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your **** tomorrow

(not sure if i have posted it before)

2007-09-19 17:43:02 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

besides me

Q How does a man show that
he is planning for the future?
A . He buys two cases of beer.

Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A.We don't know;
it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A. They're married.

(Sorry but the ladies might like it)

2007-09-19 17:05:21 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3

Our Cash, Which art on plastic, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Gucci watch, Thy Prada Bag, In Myer, As it is in David Jones. Give us each day our Platinum Visa, And forgive us our overdraft, As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard, And lead us not into Katies And deliver us from Sussans For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani For Channel No. 5 and Eternity
Amex

2007-09-19 16:58:11 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

TWO CANNIBALS ARE ABOUT TO EAT A MAN. ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER,:HOW ARE YOU DOING?,"
THE OTHER SAYS," I'M HAVING A BALL."

THE FIRST ONE SAYS,"SLOW DOWN- YOU EAT TOO FAST."


Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns
to the other while rubbing his belly with his fist
and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and
she still doesn't agree with me!"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't
you done eating yet?"
The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

What is a cannibal's favourite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.

What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.

What is a cannibal's favourite game?
Swallow the leader.

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
buttering up his teacher?

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

2007-09-19 16:57:06 · 3 answers · asked by Don, '80's Connoisseur 4

20. JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

19. BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

18. MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,
And I aint herd from him in munts."

17. RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
Truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

16. ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in
My pickup truck."

15. DAYUM - A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

14. IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

13. BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git
Back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

12. BAWL - What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

11. TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to
See that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

10. TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

9. OVAIR - In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."

8. FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... Must be from some
Farn country."

7. EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... Give 'em some ear!"

6. JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

5. MUCHABLIGE - Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

4. IDINIT - Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

3. SEED - Seen, past tense.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City."

2. VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... View?"

1. HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

2007-09-19 16:54:56 · 11 answers · asked by Don, '80's Connoisseur 4

(
Oh, the good old days...)


Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock-down, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover 4th of July firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - ATF and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Home Land Security investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

2007-09-19 16:50:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is white and sticky be creative

2007-09-19 15:22:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It`s true what they say about men

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

2007-09-19 14:54:51 · 17 answers · asked by ? 3

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"






"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat chick in my car?"

2007-09-19 14:49:40 · 7 answers · asked by nothing 5

its true :]]]

2007-09-19 14:22:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

star if u like-

there are 3 girls running from the cops. A burnette, a red head, and a blonde. the burnette hides in a tree and starts meowing when the cops come by so the cops think it's just a dumb cat. the red head hides behind some trash cans and starts digging around in the trash when the cops come by so they think it's just a dumb dog. the blonde hides in a potato field and when the cops come by she goes "potato potato potato".

2007-09-19 14:16:57 · 14 answers · asked by ?GIANTS?FAN?4?LIFE? 2

2007-09-19 13:40:26 · 9 answers · asked by alec234tar 2

What form of music likes to sit around? A Con-chair-to

2007-09-19 13:37:21 · 12 answers · asked by WTF? 1

with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again!"

Q. Why was the blonde in the tree?
A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
"Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
"Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
"Okay, where do you live?"
"In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
"No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
"Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

2007-09-19 13:26:55 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"


Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."

2007-09-19 13:14:23 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

There once was a Caveman whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
"Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see

2007-09-19 13:09:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

no for real i dont know...sombody asked me and laughed @ me cuz i dint know...

2007-09-19 12:51:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous