Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-18 14:27:22 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-18 13:53:34 · 10 answers · asked by charita m 1

To prove once and for all that math can be fun, we present: Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh horror!!!)
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddendly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point.

2007-09-18 13:50:04 · 4 answers · asked by unknown 5

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........

(Wait for it).






"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

2007-09-18 13:08:49 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man met a beautiful girl & he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented & they were married & they went on honeymoon to a very nice resortl
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board & did a two and half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost with a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out & cut the water with a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool & started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool.....

2007-09-18 12:28:12 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing. There on a blanker is a naked Indian, called Jabelite, with a ha*d on.'
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
Jabelite replies, "Me tell time."
"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
Jabelite looks down at his pr*ck and the shadow it's casting and says, "It's 2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "Be golly, you are right!"
The cowboy starts waking again and comes upon another naked Indian lying on a blanket. "Don't tell me...you're telling time too?"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
"Okay, smart-ar*e, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun, then down and says, "It's four o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, wan*ing. "Don't tell me you're telling time!"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

2007-09-18 12:08:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl is on a nude beach. She comes up to a man lying underneath his beach umbrella and asks, "What is that?" pointing to the man's private parts. The man says, "That's my bird." Then the man fell asleep. When the man woke up he was in excruciating pain and had to go to the hospital. The doctors were baffled as to why he was in such pain for no particular reason, so he asked if there was anyone near him at the time. He told the doctors, "A little girl." They brought the little girl in and asked her questions. Here was her answer: "After I played with the bird for a while, it spit at me. So I broke its neck, burnt its nest, and cracked its eggs.

I thought this was funny!

2007-09-18 12:03:15 · 10 answers · asked by Alice 3

'cause I could always change the two "p's" to two "b's"--what do you think?

2007-09-18 12:01:59 · 9 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

2007-09-18 11:59:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer in Devon made history by growing a field of didlo.s, unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

2007-09-18 11:56:18 · 13 answers · asked by hnlntm 2

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman’s leg’s?
A c.lit round the ear , a flap across the face and a crack on the head…

2007-09-18 11:53:31 · 6 answers · asked by hnlntm 2

Two eggs are sitting on a kitchen table.

One of them spots a whisk and asks: "What's that?"

The other egg replies: "Beats me"

2007-09-18 11:40:22 · 25 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen & done everything, & the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself,
she came to the conclusion that the quickest & surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor & asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

2007-09-18 11:33:18 · 13 answers · asked by Kristen 6

this'll take a while to read, but is funny

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

2007-09-18 11:27:51 · 5 answers · asked by diggerml 3

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

2007-09-18 11:22:56 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

HAS ANYONE FOUND A DEAD PERSON BEFOR?

I HAVE ON A SIDE WALK @ 1:00AM...
THAT BAR BOUNCER SHOT HIM BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY ID AND KEPT BUGGING THE BOUNCER TO LET HIM IN...THE GUY WAS ONLY 21..



SANDRA B
YOUR SO STUPID.....AND A TROLL..
THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF ALL THE TROLLS??

2007-09-18 11:17:46 · 4 answers · asked by harleygirl 3

A husband complains to his wife that she is getting a bit 'loose' and to talk to her doctor to see if she can get tightened up a bit.

The wife goes to the doctor and tells him she would like to better her sex life by being tighter like when she was younger.

The doctor tells her to go home, take off her pants and stand over a mirror to watch herself doing Kegel exercises to make sure she is performing them correctly.

So she went home and did as she was told.

In the middle of the Kegel workout, her husband walked into the room and asked what she was doing.

She told him she was doing her exercises.

So he said, "Well, be careful not to fall into the hole in the floor!"

2007-09-18 11:12:52 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

chores he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

2007-09-18 11:09:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and was shocked beyond belief when the doctor told her that she was pregnant. "How could that be?" she exclaimed. "Is it mine?"

2007-09-18 11:06:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mick and Paddy werereading headstones near a church.

Mick says "CRIKEY theres a bloke here who was 154".

Paddy says "what was his name?"

Mick says........ "Miles.. from London."

2007-09-18 11:05:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Jimmy was supposed to have a 'current event' every day for school.
He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, "Jimmy, if you don't have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this class again next year."

He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his way to school he remembered and thought to himself, damn I forgot to prepare my school event.Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it, running across the railway line. The cat made it across but a train hit the dogs.
When he got to school he yelled, "Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!!"

She said, "OK what is it, Jimmy?"

He told her, "This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the railway line and the two dogs that were chasing it hot hit in the ar*e by a train."

She said, "Jimmy!! Don't use foul language like that....say 'rectum'."

Little Jimmy laughed and said, "Wrecked 'em, hell, it killed 'em both."

2007-09-18 11:02:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The instructor while lecturing the class, walking up and down the rows, stopped at the blonde's desk and asked, "Miss, what is the significance of the Roe vs Wade decision?" With out missing a beat, she piped up and said:"That's easy! That was the decision that Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware!"

(no groaning, please) :-)

2007-09-18 10:59:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest calls a home and a little boy answers the phone whispering "Hello?"
Priest: "Is your mommy there?"
LB: "yes, but she's busy" whispering.
P: "How about your Daddy?"
LB: "yes, but he's busy, too." still whispering.
P: "Is there an adult there that I can talk to?"
LB: "The Police and Fire Department are here, but they are busy, also." Still whispering.
P: (getting a little frustrated with the child) "Well, if everyone is so busy, what are they doing?"













LB: "LOOKING FOR ME!"

2007-09-18 10:54:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Inside was an African warrior Dancing

One of the Cops gets on his Radio:

"ZULU-TANGO-SEIRRA"

2007-09-18 10:54:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Small Black boy wanted to act as a Mudflap on Mk2 Sierra.

Must be flexible and wiiling to travel!

2007-09-18 10:52:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three nuns were talking...
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father Murphy's room the other day and do you know what I found?,,,A bunch of pornographic magazines.!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father Murphy's room putting away laundry and I found a bunch of con*oms!"
"Oh, my goodness!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.....

The third nun fainted.

2007-09-18 10:50:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

2007-09-18 10:36:51 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

u have probaly heard something similar but here we go, the other day me and my m8 were getting a lift with his dad to the park, as he went round the round about he hit the back of this car, suddenly a dwarf steps out of the car infront walks up to my m8s dad and says " I'm not happy" then my m8s dad says , then which one are you :P

2007-09-18 10:33:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the best joke that you have heard?

2007-09-18 10:23:08 · 8 answers · asked by zizou!! 2

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest

2007-09-18 10:14:22 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous