Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-17 18:23:42 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am 6ft. tall Blue eyed and Blonde Love to dance. Come on don,t you want to purchase a piano?

2007-09-17 15:27:06 · 4 answers · asked by Plato 1

would you be going to heaven with him in the rapture or would you be left here to suffer?

2007-09-17 14:48:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok what are the best pick up lines you can think of?
i want like the funny ones...not the serious ones.
best ones get 10 points!

2007-09-17 14:35:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow is ordered by his doctor to lose a minimum of 75 pounds because of the serious health risks involved with being so overweight. Baffled as to how on earth he was ever going to be able to accomplish this, he runs across an ad in the newspaper for a 'Guaranteed Weight Loss Program'.

Skeptical, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 lb weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock on his door and when he answers it, standing before him is a a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 20 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign around her neck reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without giving it a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they finish, she leaves and he thinks to himself, "I really like the way this company does business!" For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens. On the fouth day, he weighs himself and is thrilled to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.

So, he calls the company and subscribes to their 5 day/20 lb program. As expected, the following day there's a knock on his door and there stands the most gorgeous, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me!" He's out the door after her in a flash.

This gal is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is, by far, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and, much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he's lost another 20 lbs as promised!!

Deciding to go for broke, he calls the company and subscribes to their 7 day/50 lb program! "Are you sure, sir?" the company representative asks. "This is our most rigorous program!"

"I'm positive," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there's a knock on his door and when he answers it, standing before him is Richard Simmons wearing nothing but a pair of pink racing spikes, and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

2007-09-17 14:16:16 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Jenny, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Jenny a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Jenny is about four months pregnant."

The mother says, "PREGNANT?! She can't be; she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

2007-09-17 13:42:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-17 13:26:59 · 34 answers · asked by Buddie 7

...You all keep saying things like "Evolution has mountains of proof"/"Evolution is based on facts"blah blah blah blah....
OK--So where is the proof for:millions and billions of years old?(dating methods are NOT accurate--nice try),where is the proof we evolved from another animal?Evolution is NOT science.it is science fiction!!!!
http://www.cseblogs.com

2007-09-17 13:07:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Cracker Jack brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she replied, "what's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear, I have a headache."
The next night Jack came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.
"I'm awfully tired," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jack brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was 'no'. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jack!" she cried. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pus*y."

2007-09-17 12:30:37 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

He laid awake at night asking "is there a dog, is there a dog?"

2007-09-17 12:23:00 · 3 answers · asked by BeautifulDevil 3

This can fit the smallest mouse's mouth but not on the Titanic. Humans can eat it but cannot digest it. It glows bright in the dark and fades away in the light. When lit on fire it remains that way forever. What is it?

2007-09-17 12:15:43 · 6 answers · asked by call the owls 4

Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"Some fortuneteller," scoffed the man, "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

2007-09-17 12:14:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brian and his secretary, Fidgetyfingers, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, fidgety reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have no contraceptive!!"

"No problem," Brian replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch! he exclaims, "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me.

2007-09-17 12:13:29 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

your wife is pounding on the front door because she forgot her keys, and the dog is in the back yard barking who do you let in?

the dog because he will shut up once he is inside!!

FUNNY????

2007-09-17 12:07:37 · 11 answers · asked by Sheriff J P 3

people with there pants half down are they in the closet and looking for a good time. i never seen gangsters with there pants half way down , what world are they in

2007-09-17 12:06:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Vegas Mike had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

Little Mikey counted it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen, kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now, put your hands in your pockets."

So Mikey put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boy's pockets, then Mickey said, "Eleven!"

2007-09-17 11:59:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND


Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded. "Why. yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy; and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie. you cheat on your wife. and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes. I know you.

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do. he pointed across the room and asked. "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why. yes, I do, I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and. in a very quiet voice said, "if either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"

2007-09-17 11:47:39 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Stacy 6

A farmer drops all his eggs on the way to the market. The insurence agent ask how many eggs did you have? He said he didnt know but... when he put the eggs in groups of 2 there was 1 eggs left over. Same happened when he put them in groups of 3, 4, 5, 6. But when he put them in groups of 7 there wasnt any left over with even groups. How many eggs did he have? And if you could discribe how you did it? First to answer and gets it right gets best answer.

2007-09-17 11:47:08 · 8 answers · asked by TAZ 1

Who Ever Answers It Right Will Be A Knee Cap Creater.
And Also Will Have Best Answer.

2007-09-17 11:41:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, naked, in the garden, while a nude model danced before them.Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring....

2007-09-17 11:38:03 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because He Had Alonzo Morning Knees Every Summer

2007-09-17 11:23:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, t hat now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? You've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!

2007-09-17 11:19:50 · 10 answers · asked by Ariel Mermaid 3

I need to write an Anglo-Saxon Style Riddle and it has to be about a famous person. I was thinking about doing Ben Franklin. But can someone help me write it because I dont know how to write it. I'm not good at riddle . . . not one bit=\
Please help me!!

2007-09-17 11:15:30 · 1 answers · asked by queenpravato 1

i need some good jokes, my favorite it "what dod one saggy boob say to the other?" "if we dont get some support soon, people are gonna start to think were nuts!"

2007-09-17 11:13:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ***!”

hahahhaa

2007-09-17 10:53:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's the milkman's last day and when he knocks on the last door of the day the stunning blonde who lived there invited him in for breakfast. When he'd finished eating the blonde asked he if he wanted to go upstairs for sex. He jumped at the chance. When they had finished she gave him a pound coin" he said to the blonde "Thanks but i thought you were married" " i am she replied" " well what will your husband say" " nothing" she replied " it was his idea" " what do you mean?" the milkman said shocked. Well she said " last night when we were in bed i mentioned to him it was your last day and what should i give you and he said f*ck him, give him a quid, the breakfast was my idea.

2007-09-17 10:50:55 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

2007-09-17 10:50:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'

The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the Dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you're likely a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bob says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

2007-09-17 10:45:11 · 7 answers · asked by Roxy 3

A little boy asked his dad why the dog had its legs up in the air when it died. Dad said , well son its legs were up in the air to let God know that it was ready to go to heaven..
Next week the little boy says to his Dad .. Dad .. I was really worried, I saw Mum lying on the bed, her legs were up in the air,, if it wasnt for the milkman holding her down wed have lost her.. lol xx

2007-09-17 10:34:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scientists have discovered a food, which when eaten, can cause years of pain, suffering, and heartache.......its called wedding cake!!!!

2007-09-17 10:19:01 · 16 answers · asked by EDGIE 1