Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

because they've spent their lives being told this
<-------------------------------------------------------------------------> is six inches!

2007-09-16 11:42:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because chickens weren't invented.....

2007-09-16 11:27:40 · 6 answers · asked by Ric C 3

>
>An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come
>back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks
>great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace
>with God?"
>
> George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so
>he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
>bathroom,
>poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
>"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
>
> A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he
>says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe
of
>his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and
> poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!
the
>light goes off?"
>
>"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
>

2007-09-16 11:23:57 · 13 answers · asked by Shorty 2

John calls his boss in the morning, "I cant come work today I feel really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I wont be in."
The boss says, "You know John I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a ********. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later John calls, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you've got a nice house."

2007-09-16 11:02:11 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom Cruise gets up one day. Looking in the mirror, he's admiring his body. "Mmm, looking good today Tom," he says. He then gives his pecs a little squeeze- "Mmmm, feeling good Tom." He suddenly notices a funny smell, takes a whiff of himself and almost chokes- "Fuċk, I smell awful!"

So he goes to talk to Katie. "Katie," he says, "there's something wrong with me!"
"Well you look good," says Katie, walking toward him, "and you feel good," she says giving him a little squeeze, then suddenly "Fuċk Tom, you smell fuċking awful! Get to the doctor!"

So Tom goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong!"
"Well, take a seat and I'll examine you," says the doctor. "Hmmm. Well, you look good Tom...... and you feel pretty good..... oh dear God you smell awful!" So the doctor goes over to his medical books to make a diagnosis.

"Do you know what's wrong with me Doctor?"
"Lets see Tom. So you look good, you feel good but you smell awful........

2007-09-16 10:58:29 · 11 answers · asked by J S 2

He sat on the Sears tower!

2007-09-16 10:42:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

2007-09-16 10:38:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a *****, die!'"

2007-09-16 10:35:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female

boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

--------------

Star if funny?

2007-09-16 10:34:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Popeye kicked the crap out of him.

2007-09-16 10:27:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-16 10:22:56 · 17 answers · asked by colin050659 6

He bought a warehouse.

2007-09-16 10:16:28 · 20 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

It's not easy being dyslexic. Got my sleeping tablets and viagra mixed up this afternoon! Ended up having 40 wanks!

2007-09-16 09:54:02 · 17 answers · asked by ? 3

A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and can't get out.
He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but can't find him.
The chicken takes the keys to the farmer's mecedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope to the bumper and pulls the horse out.
A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle.
He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells the chicken he has a better idea instead.
The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool, and he will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.
The moral to the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, then you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks!

2007-09-16 09:43:00 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife
quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said,
'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

2007-09-16 09:33:40 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

2007-09-16 08:52:01 · 23 answers · asked by kimberley j 3

He spies Roadrunner sat in the corner, Coyote orders a round of drinks, an proceedes to get Road runner drunk,he then takes roadrunner outside and slips it a large 'portion of helmet', and says 'Beep Beep now you B.....d'

2007-09-16 08:51:08 · 9 answers · asked by george d 6

2007-09-16 08:48:59 · 16 answers · asked by hello world 7

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short - tempered!

2007-09-16 08:47:57 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter
what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,"
said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,"
said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to
marry.

The youngest daughter replies, "I would like to marry a man
with one draggin' on the ground."

2007-09-16 08:28:43 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

his Dad says to him,
"What happened, son?", the little boy says, "the teacher asked 'what's 2 multiplied by 3?' and I said 6 , Then she asked 'what's 3 multiplied by 2' "
" What the f**king hell is the difference?" asks the dad,
the little boy shouts,
"That's exactly what I said !! "

2007-09-16 08:24:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

2007-09-16 08:19:13 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

English Teacher


A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your
father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear
you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's
head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've
been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My *ss
is killing me."

2007-09-16 08:14:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st woman is a bit of a show-off and says 'My husband is treating me to a boob-job from his monthly bonus'. Second woman has a think for a moment, and not wanting to be out-done, says 'Well, I'm going to have my arsehole bleached.' Third woman bursts out laughing and says 'I can't imagine your husband with blond hair!!!'

2007-09-16 07:36:16 · 31 answers · asked by george d 6

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?

2007-09-16 07:32:37 · 8 answers · asked by Matpav 3

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. The brunette figured its about 20miles from the mainland i think i can swim that, the others encourage her and tell her to send help if she gets there. After swimming half way the brunette realises she cant go any further, gives up and drowns.
After several days the redhead wondering how the other girl got on thinks that she is a better swimmer anyway so sets off to the mainland, after getting 3/4 of the way, exhausted and cold she realises she cant get any further and gives up and drowns.
The blond now on the island for 5 day with no sign of help decides her only option is to swim for help she sets off swimming, with only 1mile to go and the mainland in site she realises she cant go any further and promptly turns back!!

This one made me chuckle

2007-09-16 07:26:38 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

2007-09-16 07:02:10 · 24 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

2007-09-16 06:46:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In bed with his wife licking her all over
I asked my friend "what did you say to him"?
he said "I was speechless but,
I finally was able to yell out


"BAD DOG, BAD DOG"

2007-09-16 06:32:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

2007-09-16 06:27:32 · 13 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3