Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?




Answer: "bread." If you said "toast,"
give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?







Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?






Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?






Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?





Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!


Now pass this along to all your friends
and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

2007-09-15 19:49:56 · 5 answers · asked by JazzyGirl 1

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

2007-09-15 19:36:49 · 3 answers · asked by bee 3

When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"


A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2007-09-15 19:23:37 · 8 answers · asked by bee 3

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron.".

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well,
I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until
St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

2007-09-15 19:22:04 · 5 answers · asked by bee 3

It's a toughie, honest.
If you had to move dirt from one hole to another using no tools apart from your hands, how would you do it?

2007-09-15 19:19:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

LIZARD BIRTHING


Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.


Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," She informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my ! wife wanted to kn ow. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making ! much pr ogress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
< FONT color=black>
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay? " my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not! in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ern ie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.

"So E rnie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"W hat's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face, laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizar! ds and our son back into the car.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

2007-09-15 18:50:05 · 6 answers · asked by bee 3

2007-09-15 18:27:47 · 8 answers · asked by Staci 3

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

2007-09-15 18:19:15 · 12 answers · asked by Don, '80's Connoisseur 4

What weighs more.....a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?

The first person that gets it correct, gets best answer..

2007-09-15 16:28:12 · 12 answers · asked by Trese 5

have eyes all over, I have 4 hemispheres, and 2 globes what am I

2007-09-15 16:03:25 · 9 answers · asked by Jason 1

There's these dudes who went to heaven. St. Peter said, "We are crowded, so we only accept those with horrible deaths." They say okay. The first says, "I went home and thought my wife had an affair. I look everywhere, but I see noone. Then I go outside and there is a dude hanging out my balcony. I start hammering on his hand but he hangs on. Then use a jack hammer and he falls into bushes! I take the fridge and throw it down. Then I die of a heart attack." St Peter says, "Come on in brother!"

The second guy says," I was working out and fell out the the window. I hang onto the balcony and some1 comes out. I thought i was saved, but he started hammering on my hands. I fell into bushes, and thought i was safe, but down comes a fridge and here i am. St Peter says, "Come in, brother."

third guys says, "Picture this. Im naked in a refridgerater..."

2007-09-15 15:51:29 · 39 answers · asked by Creepy Man2 4

What happens twice a week, once a year, every minute and every second, but never in a month?

Ten points for the correct answer!
Even if you don't know take a wild guess, easy 2 pts!
=]

2007-09-15 15:26:04 · 44 answers · asked by Hannah C 2

Ten points for the correct answer!
Even if you don't know take a wild guess, easy 2 pts!
=]

2007-09-15 15:17:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate and thematic funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the coffin during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the coffin rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynaecologist.”
Hearing this, the proctologist fainted.

Psst, in case u didn’t know, a proctologist treats diseases and disorders of the an*s.

2007-09-15 15:01:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two women & take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The 1st dwarf, however, is unable to get an er**tion. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again! One, two, three, uh,” all night long.

In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st “How did it go?”

The 1st mutters “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an er**tion.”

The 2nd dwarf shook his head & says “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.”

2007-09-15 14:57:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

points for who can tell me

2007-09-15 14:52:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it ” Boss “

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?”

6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly….

7. Feel better?

HAVE A NICE DAY

2007-09-15 14:43:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email
address:


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw
out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to
stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to
Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to
send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
minister who was called home to glory following a
heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After
reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send emails
to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been
checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-09-15 14:28:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Well, hello George. Haven't seen you for ages. How's the wife?"
"I think she's dead"
"What do you mean, you THINK she's dead?"
"Well, the s*x is the same, but the dishes are stacking up in the sink"

2007-09-15 14:16:16 · 16 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

here are 1 or 2 that might make you laugh, groan, sigh or whatever (all good things at this time of night perhaps? )

So the tired fireman arrives home from his shift earlier than expected & finds his wife is already in bed. So as not to wake her, he very quietly undresses in the dark & is about to slip into bed, when she whispers
"Joe, I didn't expect you home this early, but before you get into bed could you please pop down to the corner shop & get me some painkillers. My head is really bad tonight."
So the husband very quietly gets dressed again & goes to the shop
"Hello Joe" says the assistant "I see you've changed jobs"
"What do you mean?" replies Joe
"Well, you used to be a fireman, but I see you're wearing a policeman's uniform now"

2007-09-15 14:07:02 · 8 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

A firefighter comes home and says to his wife that they have a great system at the firehouse.
"At BELL 1, we get into our gear, BELL 2, we get into the truck, and BELL 3, we buckle into our seatbelts. So from now on, when I say BELL 1, get naked. BELL 2, get on the bed. BELL 3, make love to me."
So, he came home the next day and said BELL 1, she not naked. BELL 2, she got into bed with him following behind. BELL 3, they began making love. She then says BELL 4. He asks "What the hell is BELL 4?" She says, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"
XD
PS: No I am not picking on firefighters, I am one!

2007-09-15 13:51:36 · 16 answers · asked by imavter 2

A girl got pregnant and had a baby, she told the doctor her mother would kill her if she found out, so he secretly agreed to giver her baby to another woman, but there weren't any other women who liked like her in the hospital at the time. The doctor had an idea, when Michael Jackson was in the hospital for his 50th nose job, he had an attack of appendictis and stayed over The doctor went to Michael's room. He said "Mr. Jackson, I don't know how to say this but it wasn't a burst appendix you had, you gave birth to a baby while you were here. He gave the baby to Michael. A few years later Michael's son "Towel" asked Michael if he was really his father. Michael said "I can't lie to you Towel, I'm not your father, I'm your mother" Towel said "Well who is my father then?" Michael said "How the hell should I know? You think I got eyes in the back of my head?"

2007-09-15 12:40:19 · 13 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Rate it on a scale of 1-10 ?

Please and thank you.

2007-09-15 12:36:23 · 9 answers · asked by Keep Fishin 2

Bert and Doris met when they both went to live in a retirement home. They got on very well and each evening, after their meal, they would, wheel themselves down to a sheltered spot in the garden.
There they would sit. Bert would undo his trousers and take out his w****y and Doris would then hold it.
This routine went on for months until, one evening, Bert didn't turn up.
Doris was puzzled. She hadn't seen him about all day. She didn't see him for several weeks so she assumed the old boy had 'passed on'.
However, one day she met him in the lounge.
'Bert? I was really worried, I thought you'd 'gone' where have you been these past weeks?'
Bert replied, 'I've met someone else, Doris, and I'm with her now.'
'Another woman?' Doris asks.
Bert nods.
Doris is furious.
'So is she younger than me?
No, she's 10 years older.
Is she prettier than me?
No, she has more wrinkles than you.
Is she rich?
No, she's quite poor.
So what's she got that I haven't?
Parkinsons!

2007-09-15 12:33:15 · 16 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"
The father says, "The stork gave you to us."
The boy says, "Oh, then who f**ked the stork?"

2007-09-15 11:58:45 · 8 answers · asked by imavter 2

A young blonde, Myklia g goes to an ofice for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So Myklia "can you tell us your age, please?" Myklia counts carefully on her figers for about 3 secondsbefore repying "Ehh...23!". The interviewer tries anoher straight foreward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height. please?"

Myklia stands up and produces a measring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She check the measurement and announes "five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

Myklia bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Myklia".

2007-09-15 11:52:22 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a police officer.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to give your a ticket, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a reflector broken on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein is loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal cruelty. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the officer.
"Well, dear, What exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken,"replies the wife.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?' asked the husband
The wife replies, "I'm not sure, Jacob.... something about the emergency air brake!

2007-09-15 11:14:32 · 7 answers · asked by Bluelady... 7

It is good to be a woman:



1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with

the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3 Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate

without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often

to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without

having to picture them naked

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger,

we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

2007-09-15 11:12:34 · 16 answers · asked by HomerJay 2

A man was standing next in a checkout queue, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I’m sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store. The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn’t know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said,

"Look, you couldn’t have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1990 could you? We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn’t get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I’m your son’s English teacher."

2007-09-15 11:05:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were two dwarfs who won the lottery. The first thing they did was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room.

The first dwarf is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH,

1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going.

He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get it up. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"

The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The second dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.

"How was your night?" asked the exhausted one.

"Terrible" replied the first. "I couldn't get an erection."

"You lucky bastard" said the second. "I couldn't even get on the bed."

2007-09-15 10:40:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous