Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

ive got a few.
how do you make a dead baby float? root beer and 2 scoops of dead baby.

how do you fit 400 jews in a car? 2 in the front 2 in the back and the rest in the ashtray.

whats the difference between a black guy and a large pizza? a large pizza can feed a family of 4.

lol just for all the horrible comments this is going to get im not racist or like the thought of dead babys but the shock factor of those actually made me laugh. 10 points to the first person who can make me go OH SHIITTTT!!!

2007-09-14 19:08:40 · 9 answers · asked by jay D 3

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.

How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy.

Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

2007-09-14 18:54:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,

I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them.

2007-09-14 18:08:49 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3

POSTED (not in JOKES). I would give the guy who answered her credit, but I don't know his name.

A girl on YahooAnswers who is expecting the cable guy the next day asks: "HOW SHOULD I GREET THE CABLE GUY AT THE DOOR?"

She received this reply:

Subject: CABLE INSTALLATION

We at the North American Cable Installers Assoc. can offer the following suggestions.

A simple "Hello" is more than acceptable. Our men work
very hard to satisfy our customers. And are very appreciative of a polite and heartfelt welcome.

However it must be said. That if you want free HBO, a "service tip" goes a long way. Polishing his tool (s) is the general going rate.

If you want all of the premium channels, the "tip" is very negotiable. As you are no doubt aware, there are many ways to polish his "tool".

The normal "service" time needed to install all of the premium channels is about an hour and a half. So, you can let that be your guide.

Happy watching!

He was awarded Best Answer

2007-09-14 15:59:58 · 4 answers · asked by CarolSandyToes1 6

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.

The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”

Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde, after thinking for a while, replies, “Don’t you have a vase?”

2007-09-14 15:47:10 · 10 answers · asked by »cottoncandy 6

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Bubba said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

2007-09-14 15:41:03 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.

“The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

“No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine when he **ill add detais with the rest**

2007-09-14 15:33:55 · 18 answers · asked by »cottoncandy 6

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

"Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get
a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the
koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,
finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up
and says

2007-09-14 15:13:44 · 22 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

You'll find me without but always within
Never alone but never with kin
Seen at dusk but never at dawn
Never captured on film but I can be drawn

2007-09-14 15:06:06 · 11 answers · asked by crzy 1

A young blonde is learning to drive for the first time in the winter and her father told her that if she is ever in a bad snowstorm she should follow behind a big truck because they are heavy and will not get stuck in the snow and she can follow behind in the tracks that the truck will make.
The following week a bad snowstorm hits and she remembers what her father said and began to lollow the big truck in front of her.
She followed it for about an hour around corners and in and out driveways when all of a sudden the truck stopped, the driver gets out, walks to her window and says......




Honey you can follow me all you want but, I'm done plowing the K-Mart and am headed to the grocery store.

2007-09-14 15:05:00 · 14 answers · asked by CARL B 4

Ok this joke was on the simpsons and its really funny so here it goes.

One day a man comes across a genie lamp and picks it up and a genie pops out. the genie says that he can grant the man 3 wishes but there is a catch, anything he wishes for his wife will get double.
the man asks the genie for a new car
the genie says ok but your wife gets two
the man says ok and asks for a new house.
the genie says ok but your wife gets two
the man says ok then beat me half to death.

2007-09-14 14:18:43 · 7 answers · asked by JoshZman 2

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys."
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"
The drunk replied, "****, I lost my wife, too!"

2007-09-14 13:42:46 · 2 answers · asked by Mom of three beautiful kids. 5

You can read great brain teasers at http://www.mindchallenger.com Answers and new questions are posted at the beginning of each month. You can check the website for the answer. If it isn't there it will be at the beginning of the month. As simple as many of these sound, very few get them right. How about you?

Two identical packs of 52 cards A and B are shuffled thoroughly. One card is picked from A and shuffled with B. The top card from pack A is turned up. If this is the Queen of Hearts, what are the chances that the top card in B will be the King of Hearts?

2007-09-14 13:32:54 · 11 answers · asked by J S 2

A Firetruck! What were YOU thinking?! XD

2007-09-14 13:13:11 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

An uncle!

2007-09-14 13:11:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-14 12:21:59 · 7 answers · asked by Michael A 6

An airplane is to heavy and has to drop some of its load. It drops an apple, a orange and a grenade. One man gets hit hit in the head with an apple. Another man gets hit in the head with an orange. Another man is in the outhouse. He farts and....................................................... KABOOM!

2007-09-14 12:20:22 · 8 answers · asked by Shayne J 2

While I was driving down the M1 the other day,(going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work"

To which he asked "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused "A what"

"A rectum stretcher"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well" I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge"

2007-09-14 12:09:35 · 11 answers · asked by J S 2

What makes a wiggle worm wiggle and why would anyone want that dang worm to wiggle in the first place, damn those wiggle worms they are so complex!!!! Can a wiggle worm become a contributing member of a highly advance society such as ours?

2007-09-14 11:54:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the young woman, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered."Now would you be so kind as to please pass the p ussy?"

2007-09-14 11:44:20 · 9 answers · asked by russbillen 4

A homeland security officer was training a recruit at a large American seaport. Two importers were prepared to unload their goods on the dock. One ship only had one car to unload and the second had over 20 trailers to unload. The recruit opted to process the first importer.
Well, he had a very tough time with this one car, trying to get title info, tariffs paid, release papers, etc. This went on for 6 hours while 40 workers with the 20 trailers sat idle waiting on this homeland security recruit. Finally at 4:30 in the afternoon, the car was allowed to be unloaded.
The homeland security officer told the recruit in dismay, "Why couldn't you have just let that cargo?!"


You can yawn now.

2007-09-14 11:02:40 · 8 answers · asked by quillologist 5

2007-09-14 10:28:28 · 12 answers · asked by Bill 6

A blonde went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my Breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.
She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my Breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

2007-09-14 10:27:30 · 14 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

He's giving kids a free shake!!

2007-09-14 10:19:57 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!"

But I always buy it here,' says the blonde

Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........











....(Wait for it).....

































'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM'

2007-09-14 10:08:20 · 27 answers · asked by Teejay 6

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the

Irishman sa id, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna
sandwich and jumped to his death as well.


At the funerals, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much." And everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's
wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

2007-09-14 10:06:55 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

An inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for £37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a ew times, then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with drunken slur) "Bartender, but everyone in the house a drink, pour one for yourself, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pour a round of drinks for the house, has one himself, and hands the drunk a bill for £35.46.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it"

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and throws him out onto the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

2007-09-14 10:04:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 old ladies are smoking while walking down the street. when all of a sudden it begins to rain! One of the old ladies screams out my precious! while the other quickly covers her cigarrete with a homemade ciggarete protector... so the Old lady asks... how are you protecting your precious from the rain? The 2nd old lady says... I used a condom and just cut off the other end.

So the 1st old lady decided that she needed some proctection for her precious too... so she goes to the store... the store clerk abit confused to why this old lady is getting condoms asks " why are you buying these condoms? and she says " I need them for protection for my camel"

2007-09-14 09:48:12 · 9 answers · asked by Prince 3

A husband complains to his wife that she is getting a bit 'loose' and to talk to her doctor to see if she can get tightened up a bit.

The wife goes to the doctor and tells him she would like to better her sex life by being tighter like when she was younger.

The doctor tells her to go home, take off her pants and stand over a mirror to watch herself doing Kegel exercises to make sure she is performing them correctly.

So she went home and did as she was told.

In the middle of the Kegel workout, her husband walked into the room and asked what she was doing.

She told him she was doing her exercises.

He told her, "be careful not to fall into the hole in the floor!"

2007-09-14 09:46:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

TWO OF THE CHiLDRENS' NAMES ARE NiCKEL AND DiME...WHAT iS THE THiRD CHiLD'S NAME?

2007-09-14 09:31:17 · 15 answers · asked by ♥That.One.Girl♥ 7