Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'"
"That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc.
"Is it common?" asks the man.
"It's Not Unusual," says the doc.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too!


Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at, either.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?"
"Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.
"No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know -- I cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

2007-09-13 21:49:36 · 18 answers · asked by The Ghost of Scousertommy 2

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing b*m.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your b*tt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's s**ual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a sl*b.

2007-09-13 21:36:55 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

lugging his lumpy, oversized travel
bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?"
she sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my
partner can buy the ticket!"

---)-----------------------

A man had to show his chest hair to prove he could get his pension. His wife said "you should have shown them your c0ck and we could have got disability too!"

--)------------- the simpsons

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little -- !

----)------------------------
(not my best just being careful alredy got 1 V...)

2007-09-13 20:53:35 · 6 answers · asked by ? 3

A man, doing market research for the Vaseline Company, knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at
her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it all the time" she replied.

"If you don't mind my asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you
use it for sex?"

The woman said, "Sure, I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

2007-09-13 20:48:30 · 6 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.""Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.""So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?""No, I have one every morning at 6:30."Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

2007-09-13 20:46:18 · 12 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted.

2007-09-13 20:31:08 · 7 answers · asked by william v 5

Here is the deal, you just have to reply
It must be a rhyme, words alone will not fly!

I’m sitting here, it’s just about one
Its time for bed, but sleeping’s no fun

In Colorado right now, it’s so cold yet so pretty
I live in place, just outside of the city

The view is so great, just mountains and trees
The cold weather will pass, replaced by flowers and bees

What is so special, about where you live now?
Just respond with a rhyme, I don’t care how.

Maybe it’s cold, or hot dry and sunny
Describe it to me, and try to be funny!

2007-09-13 20:30:14 · 5 answers · asked by Sgt Lee 3

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

2007-09-13 20:28:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-13 20:09:52 · 5 answers · asked by Fajar 1

Three men check into a hotel. At the front desk, they pay 30 dollars for a double room plus an extra bed. They go up to their room. After a few minutes, the desk clerk realises that they paid 30 dollars for a 25 dollar room. He sends a bellboy up to their room with the extra 5 dollars they paid. On his way up, th bellboy tries to figure out a way to divide 5 dollars equally among three men. He decides to give them 3 dollars each and keep 2 dollars for himself.

So if each man payed 9 dollars for the hotel room=27 dollars in total,and the bellboy kept 2 dollars, then where did the other dollar go?

First correct answer gets 10 points.

2007-09-13 17:28:29 · 5 answers · asked by anon 2

its driving me crazy that i cant remember this!!!

what is the room called at the hospital/doctors office that they do the examintation in????

i know, i probally sound reallllly dumb

2007-09-13 16:11:44 · 8 answers · asked by sballstar2993 3

You can read great brain teasers and puzzles at http://www.mindchallenger.com Answers and new puzzles get posted at the beginning of each month.

Try this..

A woman wants to buy something at an auction where you bid grams of gold instead of money. She owns a length of gold chain (with 2 ends) made of 23 interlocking loops, each weighing 1 gram. She wants to go to a jeweler before the auction to cut the minimum number of loops that would allow her to pay any sum from 1 to 23. For example, she could pay a 13 gram price with a 12 link chain and a single link. After much thought, she figures out a way to do it by cutting just 2 of the loops in the chain. How many loops are in the pieces of chains that she has after the 2 cuts?

2007-09-13 15:44:31 · 6 answers · asked by J S 2

its no more yogurt in my hat

2007-09-13 15:34:41 · 4 answers · asked by k9map 1

Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America .......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America .......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

2007-09-13 15:17:48 · 70 answers · asked by ashleyyy 3

this is a riddle so please dont say something like dont paint. only post if you know the answer of the riddle

2007-09-13 15:04:51 · 2 answers · asked by PIMP I 1

Q: what is the difference between George Bush and a Rose Bush?

A; about a hundred I.Q. Points.
but G. W. is trying to get smarter.

2007-09-13 14:51:04 · 9 answers · asked by uatu 1

because i got your chin!!!!! its mine baby!!!!!

2007-09-13 14:46:44 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

because too many ninja prostitutes took my virginity in the late 1800s

2007-09-13 14:44:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to Impress A Woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her,
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Respect her.
Honour her.
Cuddle her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewellery.
Give her flowers.
Kiss her.
Caress her.
Love her.
Stroke her.
Tease her.
Comfort her.
Protect her.
Hug her.
Spend money on her.
Buy things for her.
Care for her.
Stand by her.
Support her.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.
How To Impress A Man

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don’t block the TV.

2007-09-13 14:31:12 · 4 answers · asked by shantel 2

Twin brothers in their mom's womb are having a conversation.

One says to the other: " I want to invent a light bulb when I grow up, it's so dark here."

The other one says : " I want to learn Kung Fu when I grow up, so I can fight that bald guy who always puts his head in and spit on me. "


Please give a star if you think it's funny.

2007-09-13 14:09:01 · 11 answers · asked by Discovery 5

A little boy and his grandpa were out trying to catch worms. and the grandpa said if you can get that worm out of the hole than ill give you a dollor... so the little boy thought for a minuet and then got a bottle of hairspray... he sprayed the worm and it got stiff and
couldnt wiggle any more and the boy could pull it out. the grandpa gave him a dollor and then took the spray inside. after some time of the boy playing outside the grandfather came back out and said here is a dollor. the little boy said but grandpa you already paid me... the grandfather said no this is from your grandma.

2007-09-13 13:53:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-13 13:52:27 · 18 answers · asked by Italian Man Man Man 2

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week..
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

2007-09-13 13:52:17 · 5 answers · asked by shantel 2

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away."

I should be in charge, said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give
all of you energy.


"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum
"Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.


The Moral:
The ASSHOLE is usually in charge!

2007-09-13 13:39:18 · 4 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

the driver of the car that knocked her over comes to her aid.
are you alright? he asks.
"your just a blur" she says ."so my eyesight is clearly affected".
concerned,the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"how many fingers have i got up?"he asks.
"oh **** no!" she replies.
"i must be paralysed from the waist down as well".

2007-09-13 13:36:37 · 14 answers · asked by imokta 2

A blind guy walks into a small hallmark store with his seeing eye dog and just starts waving it around in the air like a lasso by the leash. The manager flips and runs over to the blind man shouting: "Sir, what in the world are you doing?" the blind man replies: "Oh, I'm just looking around!" lol. A five star?

2007-09-13 13:30:12 · 17 answers · asked by ldpuffdaddy 2

1, no! 2!, no! 4!, no! 8!, no! 16!......

2007-09-13 13:12:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend and I prank called someone and said "Would you like an all expenc paid trip to the Bahammas?"
and when they say yes(or no,but in our case they said yes)
Say"Well your Shitt out of luck!"and then hang up!


We didnt get anyone that said no, but I'm sure its still funni cuz they already said no!

2007-09-13 12:58:29 · 7 answers · asked by Janelle Alexandria 3

A man comes home from work to see that his wife is sitting on the porch with her suitcases packed right next to her.
What's going on? he asks. I'm moving to Las Vegas she replies.
I've found out that I can charge $400 a night for what I give to you for free she says.
The guy immediately runs inside and returns to the porch with packed bags and says I'm going too.
Why? she asks.
I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a Year!

2007-09-13 12:46:26 · 10 answers · asked by CARL B 4

My friend told me a funny joke. I myself am hispanic and thought this was funny. Sorry if this offended you in any way.

What do you do if a group of spanish people come towards you?

Throw a soccer ball in between all of them.

2007-09-13 12:44:16 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4