Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: Whats that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel

2007-09-12 19:09:30 · 14 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

2007-09-12 19:04:57 · 6 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
arent people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If its true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didnt zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

2007-09-12 18:55:14 · 3 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

2007-09-12 17:54:44 · 16 answers · asked by noone 6

2007-09-12 17:21:31 · 4 answers · asked by bert 2

Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!




Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow ! chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well, do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher! : 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn..I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

2007-09-12 16:57:56 · 10 answers · asked by Chantel C 3

Three students checken into a hotel and paid the clerk $30 for a room ($10.00 each). When the hotel manager returned, he noticed that the clerk had incorrectly charged $30.00 instead of $25 for the room. The Manager told the clerk to return $5 to the students. The clerk, knowing that the students would not be able to divide $5 envenly, decided to keep $2 and to give them only $3. The students were very happy because they paid only $27 for the room ($9.00 each). However, if they paid $27 and the clerk kept $2 that adds up to $29. What happened to the other Dollar?

2007-09-12 16:51:49 · 16 answers · asked by seleena m 1

there is a blonde red head and brunette stranded on an island and the city is 200ft away and there is water in betwen the island and city
so the brunette swims 50ft and dies then the red head swims 100ft and dies then the blonde swims 150ft and says," phew im tired." and swims back to the island

2007-09-12 16:45:17 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

An elderly man and his wife die in an accident and they go up to Heaven. G-d welcomes them, and they start to walk around. The man is getting hungry and asks if they may get something to eat. G-d says, "Of course, help yourself. You can have as much as you would like and you don't have to worry about any health concerns." They walk up to a buffet filled with every food imaginable. The husband looks at his wife and says, "You know, Gladys, if it wasn't for you making me eat that stupid oat bran every morning, I could have had this 10 years ago!!!!!"

2007-09-12 16:26:04 · 5 answers · asked by missinformation 2

a vampire walks into a bar and sits down

the bar tender ask him what he would like

the vampire asks for a glass of hot water

the bartender asks him if he is feeling okay

the vampire replies yes im great may i please have a cup of hot water?

the bar tender goes and poars some hot water and brings it over to the vampire and ask
Dont you drink blood?

the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says
yes im having tea!

2007-09-12 16:13:03 · 7 answers · asked by bee 3

Wats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?




























Anyone can roast beef...

Star if you liked

Have a great day ; )

2007-09-12 15:27:58 · 10 answers · asked by Jim J 2

2007-09-12 15:22:11 · 18 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

a group of archiologist best in the world are traveling in antartica. here the come across to bodies frozen in ice, they take the bodies to their lab and run all sort of experiments. finally they conclude that these bodies were of adam and eve. how can the scientist conclude that the bodies were of adam and eve????

2007-09-12 14:39:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

2007-09-12 14:36:41 · 14 answers · asked by Patty M 5

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No $hit?"

2007-09-12 13:25:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow waiting in line, started to massage the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't
help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

2007-09-12 13:19:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain" and begins to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Well, that does feel pretty good, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

2007-09-12 13:15:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork."

The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading.

After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

2007-09-12 13:10:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Looking For Your Ideal Man?"

She rushes to the store & gets ushered into the elevator. On stepping out on the 1st floor, a big sign reads:
"On this level, you will find men who all have very good jobs"
She thinks this is ok, but jumps back into the elevator & wonders what's upstairs.
The doors open at level 2 & a sign reads
"This floor has men who have good jobs & are very good looking. They are s*xy & caring."
She thinks "Mmm, lovely. But maybe I'll go up to the 3rd.floor.

On the 3rd floor, the doors open & the sign says
"On this level you will find very handsome men with good jobs, who love children & animals & are happy to help around the house"
She thinks "Woo! Can it get any better?" but then can't resist pressing the button for the 4th & final floor.

The doors open & she steps out. The sign reads:

"THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. IT WAS ONLY PUT HERE TO PROVE THAT WHATEVER WOMEN ARE OFFERED. THEY ARE NEVER SATISFIED"

2007-09-12 13:01:50 · 29 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

yesterday in band a kid got his trumpet out to get ready to play. he left the case open the day before. and a cockroach crawled in. but he didn't know that till he blew in and the cockroach flew across the room and hit my teachers stand. i laughed harder than i ever did in my life. i thought i was gonna bust a gut or die from lack of oxygen, or both. i wonder what was gong through his mind when he was flying. either "wheeeee!" or "aaaaaaaaaa!" which do you think? and i'm pretty sure he thought "ouch!" when he hit the stand. i'll never forget what happend. :)

2007-09-12 12:50:32 · 19 answers · asked by Minty 2

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."

2007-09-12 12:38:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

spell these words out loud....Coke, joke, poke, woke,









what is the white of an egg called?

2007-09-12 12:13:37 · 22 answers · asked by bernman101 6

Tim and Joe are bungee jumping one day.
Tim says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping business in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool all their money and buy everything they'll need: - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble around them. ....Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they finish, there's such a crowd they decide it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Tim jumps.......

2007-09-12 11:48:55 · 42 answers · asked by Ask_Elvis 5

There are 2 Women, One is a Lawyer And one is Just another person, The Other Person is a Blond, There Lawyer Asks to play a Game, And the blond thinks to her self and declines, And falls asleep, Later The Lawyer wakes her up and say, If You Get A Question Wrong, you pay me $5, And if I Get A Question Wrong Ill Pay You $500!!, The Blond thinks and accepted, The First Question is, which is from the lawyer is
Whats the Distance from the Moon to Earth, The Blond Reaches in her purse and hands her $5, then it was the blonds turn, she ask: What goes up with 3 legs and goes down with 4,
And Goes Back to sleep, The Lawyer, Emails her contacts and calls her friends and all, she even when to google and typed in the question she asked, But after 1 Hour for the question, she woke the blond up and paid her $500, Then it was the lawyer's turn again, She Asked: So, What Goes Up With 3 Legs And Goes Down with 4, Then The Blond Reaches in her purse and hands the Lawyer $5,

Like It? At All Star it!!

2007-09-12 11:30:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Father and Son are involved in a major car accident.
The man is killed instantly, the boy is rushed to the hospital in desparate need of surgery.
Upon arrival, the surgeon declares,
"I can't operate on this boy......He's my son!"

How can this be?

2007-09-12 11:23:01 · 8 answers · asked by Kirk_84 4

Dearest Darling,
I want you.I'll take you to bed and have my wicked way with you.I'll make you ache,shake and sweat until you moan and groan.I'll makeyou beg for mercy,plead for me to stop.I'll exhaust you to the point where you'll be relieved when I'm finished wit you.
All my love,The Flu!!!

2007-09-12 11:19:35 · 8 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

2 men are out drinking 1 night.One moans to his mate:"Whenever I go home after the pub,I turnthe headlights off before I get to thedrive,I switch off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off before going indoors,sneak upstairs and get undressed in the bathroom.I ease myself into bed and my wife still wakes up and yell at me for stayiing out late.""You're obviously taking the wrong approach",his mate replies."I screech into the driveway,slam the door,throw my shoes into the wardrobe,jump into bed,rub my hands on my wife's backside and ask:"How about a bit of nookie?"....and she's always sound asleep".

2007-09-12 11:10:52 · 10 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

a blind man at cash point tonight asked me to check his balance----- so i pushed him over !!!!!!! do you have any good jokes ????

2007-09-12 11:07:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

had a horrible week so far ... frankly I'm depressed and need cheering up ... lame

2007-09-12 10:59:09 · 20 answers · asked by shorty 3

what do you call - a Japanese wrestler who's father has dysentery?

A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy!

2007-09-12 10:58:17 · 13 answers · asked by treving 42 6