Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Five ways you know you're lost...

#1 when you're fighting the Enterprise for a parking space

#2 when you look out your window and see a black hole

#3 if you roll down your window to ask for directions and you get beamed up

#4 the folks in the 'ship next to you are pale greenish,have stringy white hair,and are licking their lips at the sight of you

#5 the bumper sticker in front of you says BEEN 2 ROSWELL

Yeah,I know they're lame...any thoughts or suggestions for improvement?Do you have any jokes?No rude answers and please star if you like the question.

2007-09-12 10:52:42 · 14 answers · asked by Karate Kid 6

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

2007-09-12 10:42:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The guy who invented the hokey pokey's funeral

earlier this week i went to the guy who invented the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in.

2007-09-12 10:34:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!" She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!
-------------------------...

wat du u fink???

2007-09-12 10:32:15 · 12 answers · asked by laydee££$$$$% 2

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

2007-09-12 10:24:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its a math joke as in the answer is related to math. the answer is one word. it seems weird but try and think:
The parrot dissappeared (thats the joke...)

2007-09-12 10:12:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.



In other words.....................................




Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

2007-09-12 10:10:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the farmer that owned it.

“Hey there,” he says. “I bet I can make your horse talk.”

“Horses don't talk” says the farmer.

“We’ll see,” says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, “So how does your master treat you?”

“Pretty well,” says the horse. “He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.”

“I bet I can make the dog talk, too,” says the ventriloquist.

“Dog's don't talk” says the farmer.

“How about you?” the ventriloquist asks the dog. “Is he good to you too?”

“Yup,” says the dog. “We play fetch.”

“Let’s see what the sheep has to say,” says the ventriloquist.

“Wait!" yells the farmer "That sheep is a f####ng' liar!"

2007-09-12 10:05:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Edna suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Edna out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Jim's heroic act, she immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Jim the news she said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Edna, the patient you saved, hung herself in the bathroom with her bathrobe belt right after you saved her. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself, I put her there to dry. How soon can I go home?

2007-09-12 09:57:32 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Mrs. Mac♥ 3

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It’s called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb…

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

2007-09-12 09:53:26 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

When he woke up there was this christian congregation and the minister was baptising people. Theyy would wade in to their waist and he would dunk thier heads in. The drunk guy somehow found himself at the front of the line and the minister grabbed his shoulders and dunked his head in the water. After a few moments he pulled him out and asked "Have you found Jesus?" Getting no reply he did it again. Still no reply from the drumkard The minister dunked the drunk man's head a third time. This time when he asked "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk man replied "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

2007-09-12 09:52:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends

2007-09-12 09:47:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok.
there is a staircase.
you are at the top
ther is also 3 light switches at the top.
there a light bulb at the bottom.
you can only go down the stair case once.
you cannot see the lightbulb OR the light from it
from the top of the staircase.





HOW do you figure out which switch turns on the lightbulb??
REMEMBER!!
this is how NOT which one turns it one.







ok.
if i get 10 stumped ppl.
then i will post the answer.



if you get the correct answer.
i have a surprise for you!
you wont know unless you solve it correctly!

2007-09-12 09:46:19 · 15 answers · asked by rachel b 1

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

2007-09-12 09:40:27 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

FW: WILD TURKEY!!!!!

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his a*s and let him go!

2007-09-12 09:38:32 · 6 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

Does anyone know the answer to this riddle?
A man bought a horse for $20 and gave in payment a cheque for $30. The horsedealer persuaded a shopkeeper to change the cheque for him, and the buyer, having received his $10 change, rode off on the horse and was not seen again. Later the cheque was found to be valueless, and the horsedealer had to refund the shopkeeper the amount he had received. The horsedealer had himself bought the horse for $10. How much did the horsedealer lose altogether?

2007-09-12 09:37:02 · 2 answers · asked by Anijoe 1

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

2007-09-12 09:28:32 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

An old farmer and his wife are out walking along the field and he turns to his wife "Remember when we was young, I took you out to this field, must be forty year ago, and I bet you over this fence and give ya a good screwing?!" She said "Zeke, you rude old thing! You sure couldn't do that now, you'd be lucky to even get it up!" He said "Gladys, get yer britches down I'll show you who can still get it up!" With that the old lady drops her linen and he takes her, jumping and jolting and bouncing around like a young stud" Afterwards she exclaims "God God Zeke! That was incredible, I didn't know ya still had it!" Zeke says breathlessly "I didn't know I forgot to turn off the electric fence!"

2007-09-12 09:28:24 · 6 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

2007-09-12 09:19:51 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

there is this christmas carol i dont know the name ( i need the name!)but it goes like ding by the dong ding by the dong singing a song something like that

2007-09-12 09:04:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the lady hears a zipping sound and, as though it had a mind of it's own the man's penis swings up over the edge of the table, grabs a dinner roll and goes back under the table.

She can't believe what she's seen....surely that didn't just happen....

Well, he looks uncomfortable but maybe she imagined it....so she tries to continue the evening.

A few minutes later it happens again....there's his penis....it grabs a roll and back under the table it goes.

"OK! I know I just saw that! What the hell is going on!", she says.

The man looking more uncomfortable than ever explains that he was in a hunting accident and his penis was shot off
and the doctors, doing an experimental new procedure, replaced his penis with a baby elephant's trunk.

"I'm sorry this has been such a disaster.", he says. "Let me pay for dinner, I'm sure you won't want to hang around."

Feeling bad for the injured man she says, "No, it's not your fault. In fact its kind of cute. Do you think you can do it again?"

2007-09-12 08:43:31 · 13 answers · asked by ishootvideo2002 4

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding it like a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth and allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9 Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed, get another pill, open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour short drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash it down.

14 Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Accident and Emergence Department. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL - Wrap it in bacon

2007-09-12 08:42:29 · 16 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "DUH, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

2007-09-12 08:38:11 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the >salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price."

2007-09-12 07:29:33 · 14 answers · asked by Jim 7

CATS - YOU LOVE US REALLY

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric colour that contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the humans eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!
C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2am and 4am.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

2007-09-12 07:27:19 · 14 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between " ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's ! not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If ! the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

2007-09-12 07:14:22 · 24 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

2007-09-12 06:41:45 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

1. I have smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why dont we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It\'s okay, we\'ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it\'ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won\'t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It\'s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you\'re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

2007-09-12 06:30:19 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 am. His wife is sleeping and he's trying to sneak into bed. He's lying in bed for a few minutes and farts.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown - I'm winning, 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna give her a doozy." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

2007-09-12 06:26:45 · 32 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

2007-09-12 06:19:30 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5