Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-13 12:42:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-13 12:40:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Renualt have brought a new estate car out, its so good you cant even hear the kids in the back. its called -

The Renult Mcann

2007-09-13 12:32:22 · 13 answers · asked by Jenna P 1

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-09-13 12:28:47 · 9 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

an advert in the portuguese times read
come out, come out where ever you are,,
congratulations Maddy McCann
2007 hide and seek champion.

2007-09-13 12:20:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck was giving a tour to his fellow duck-friends in the mall.
he would pass by random people, and explain what they were doing. the group passed a boy crying. "this" he explained, "is a lotht little boy." they went passed a woman. "this lady" he pointed out, "is thopping." they went outside onto the side walk of the mall and passed a man who had a dark past and was very sensitive about it. "and this" the duck said, "is a man on crack!" the duck got shot.

step on a crack, break your mothers back!

Moral of the story: learn to speak before you become a tour guide!

2007-09-13 12:00:44 · 9 answers · asked by blank 3

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and
drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
& nbsp;NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs,

"Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at
the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:


GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF
ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

2007-09-13 11:53:04 · 18 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

Who want's to be a Millionaire.
for masturbating,!

She didn't quite understand the
Fastest Finger First bit ...

;-)

2007-09-13 11:52:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that!"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

2007-09-13 11:46:00 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

These are some funny names for books and their authors that me and a couple of friends made up...


Everything about vegitables
By: Brock Lee

How to survive in the forest
By: Lawson D. Woods

How to find a husband
By: Amanda Kiss

Why bakini's never fit
By: Hugh Jass

Astronauts in space
By: Landon Moon

Under the Bleachers
By: Seymore Butts

Fun at the Circus:
By: Tamon D. Lyons

How to keep you woman satisfied
By: Rider Strong

How to count to ten
By: Wuan Tue

How to Pour water
By: Phil D. Cupp

Great Candy Makers
By: Reese Cupp

Tell me if you think of more!!!

2007-09-13 11:44:44 · 11 answers · asked by ishootiscore04 2

Returning from the doctor,Mick tells his wife he'll be dead by dawn the next day.
That night,they have sex for 6 hours.Afterwards,he can't sleep so he wakes his wife.
"Darling,that was great.Can we please do it again?"he asks.
"Don't be selfish Mick.I have to get up tomorrow-you don't!"

2007-09-13 11:43:14 · 15 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

OK, guess which play this riddle is from and give me the answer:-). Also, give me the person who stated the answer in the play!

What has four legs then two and finally three?

It isn't exact but the same idea!

First fully correct answer gets ten points!

2007-09-13 11:41:08 · 4 answers · asked by JUST ME 1

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finially asked

The police woman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finially found a square mirror in her purse , looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. "Here it is " she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

2007-09-13 11:38:46 · 8 answers · asked by ♥STREAKER♥©℗† 7

A womena nd a baby were in the dr.s examining room, waitung for the baby's first exam.

The Dr. arrived and examined the baby, checkinghis weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed?

Breast Fed, she replied

Well, strip down to your waist, the dr ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed and neaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, the dr said "no wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk?

I know she said, I'm his grandma--but I'm so glad I came !!!!

2007-09-13 11:34:20 · 5 answers · asked by ♥STREAKER♥©℗† 7

what is it that is the size of an elephant....but it doesnt weigh anything? first correct is the winner! goodluck to all :)

2007-09-13 11:21:51 · 4 answers · asked by hello :) 4

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
But pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel
and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

2007-09-13 11:16:52 · 3 answers · asked by ◄Rainy~♥~Rain► 3

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid
> is holding a dollar coin. Suddenly, the boy starts
> choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the
> boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,
> shouting for help.
>
>
>
> A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman
> in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in
> the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of
> coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
> puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds
> the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
> from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
> market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes
> hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze,
> gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
> few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
> the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free
> hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to
> the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee
> bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that
> his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the
> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
> her saying, I've never seen anybody do anything like
> that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
> 'No,' the woman replies, 'I work for the IRS.'

2007-09-13 11:15:59 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you.... buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it... buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want.... buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors... buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you and watch a romantic movie... buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores... buy a dog.

2007-09-13 11:12:24 · 4 answers · asked by Sweety 3

There is this frog and he goes to a bank. He goes up to a teller named Patricia Whack. She looks at him strangely.

Frog: Hello! My name is Kermit Jagger! My dad is Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones! Can I have a loan for 20,000 dollars? My dad is on vacation. But the bank manager said it was okay.

Patricia is naturally very confused. However then the frog pulls out a little pink glass elephant and gives it to her.

Frog: Here, give this to the bank manager, this is proof that I can borrow it.

So, Patricia goes into the managers office. She gives him the elephant.

Patricia: There is a frog out there who says he wants to borrow $20,000 dollars. He says his dad is Mick Jagger and this elephant should be proof he can get it. Any clue what this elephant is or means?

The manager looks at it and sighs.

Manager: It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

2007-09-13 10:51:25 · 13 answers · asked by parrothair3 2

Saw X (2013)

Jigsaw has unleashed a new wave a terror across the city by contructing the deadliest of traps.

This age of Jigsaw has inspired fellow extremists to follow in his footsteps, only adding to this incomprehensible establishment of torture.

Now as the city runs amok with mayham, it is up to Detective Steve Marshall to solve the source of all the trouble. Following Steve Marshall is the beautiful FBI agent, Nora Espianada.

As she is abducted for one of Jigsaw's final traps, she must uncover Jigsaw's history. Strapped in a large room inside a prison-like cage suspended from the ceiling, she is armed with a knife, a photo album, and a log book of all Jigsaw's traps recorded by her own pen.

More and more victims are abducted by these extremists. Steve Marshall follows a trail. A trail of the most gruesome killings in the history of mankind. Finding a way into Jigsaw's hideout. He realise that this cannot be stopped.

But there is a way.

2007-09-13 10:47:04 · 7 answers · asked by willy d 2

http://detroit.craigslist.org/zip/419463217.html

2007-09-13 10:40:30 · 2 answers · asked by arabontheloose 3

2007-09-13 10:40:06 · 7 answers · asked by Melted Snowman 5

A woman arrives in heaven, it's very beautiful but as she is being checked in she hears screaming coming from inside the gate. "What's happenning in there?" she asks St. Peter. St. Peter says "Oh, you don't have to be concerned with that, that's one of our new arrivals, shes having her halo and wings installed" "Installed?" she asks "Yes, we need to drill a hole in your head for the halo, and two in your back, for the wings, it only hurts for a few weeks" The woman says "I don't know if I could stand that, maybe I'd be better off in hell" St. Peter says "Oh No, you wouldn't want that, there's sex all the time, men taking advantage of you in every way imaginable!" She said "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

2007-09-13 10:38:43 · 4 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to

bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in

the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom

window. George opened the back door to go turn off the

light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing

things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in

your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all

patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his

door and an officer would be along when available

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and

phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few

seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well,

you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just

shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three

police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance

showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police

caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen

said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody

available!"





(True Story) I LOVE IT...

2007-09-13 10:37:36 · 11 answers · asked by Chantel C 3

A brave knight has to go and fight in the Crusades, and leaves his very sexy, very horny young wife behind. As he can't trust her, he fits her with a chastity belt made from razor blades and broken glass. On his victorious return, he lines up his male staff, and gets them all to drop their trousers. He is greeted by a line of mangled, shredded todgers, except for one. He goes up to that man, and says," I trusted you, and unlike the others, you did not betray my trust. In return, I shall give you half my land." To which the faithful member of staff replies, "Ugg ou gery muk."

2007-09-13 10:35:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

okay.
one day there was this blonde.
she was always made fun of.
they called her slow.
so then she dyed her hair brown.
then the next day
people were still making fun of her.
she said " what the F**k"
and there like ur still a slow mo fo.
ahahahahaha
what do u rate my joke =]
1-10

2007-09-13 10:22:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you need cheering up? Which of the silly bits on this site, and it's a fairly big site, are the funniest? My hubby found at work, and it's cheered me up no end.

http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx

2007-09-13 10:17:37 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

>> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
>> part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
>> "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
>>
>> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
>> gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
>>
>> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
>> like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
>> With my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my 85 year old wife
>> for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still
>> nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
>> her teeth out, still nothing.
>>
>> We even called up Arleen, the old lady next door and she tried too,
>> first With both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
>> between her knees, but still nothing.
>>
>> The shocked doctor said! "You asked your neighbor?"
>>
>> The old man replied, "Yep!! Us oldsters did all the things we could
>> think of and still, none of us could open that darn jar."

2007-09-13 10:13:12 · 7 answers · asked by Roxy 3

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day.
> > Alice says to Frank,"You know, we could make a lot
> > of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in
> > Mexico ." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so
> > they pool their money and buy everything they need:
> > a
> > tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
> >
> > They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the
> > square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd
> > begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people
> > gather to watch them at work. When they finished,
> > there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a
> > good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps.
> >
> > She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she
> > comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts
> > and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to
> > catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes
> > back up again.
> > This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
> >
> > Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and
> > bounces b ack up. This time, she comes back pretty
> > messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and
> > is almost unconscious.
> >
> > Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and
> > says,"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
> >
> > Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee
> > cord was fine...it was the crowd...what the f*ck is
> > a Pinata?!"

2007-09-13 10:09:43 · 16 answers · asked by Roxy 3

2007-09-13 10:06:55 · 18 answers · asked by shanebailey2004 1