Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

There's a chef at the tearoom where I work, and he's fat. Do you think this would be a funny thing to say to him - "Your soup looks disgusting, just like your body"? He has a sense of humour.

2007-09-13 09:55:12 · 6 answers · asked by entertainment fan 7

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

2007-09-13 09:52:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from South Carolina and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The South Carolina contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700" The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from South Carolina to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. And that friends, is how it all works !!!

2007-09-13 09:50:04 · 6 answers · asked by Cherie 6

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

2007-09-13 09:48:14 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

An old farmer in Darwin had owned a large property for several years.
He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he yelled, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles."

2007-09-13 09:26:52 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A.The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

2007-09-13 08:44:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Be Honest!

With all your honor and dignity -what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thinking...
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally on this issue.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous.

You're in Louisiana... in New Orleans, to be exact...
There is chaos going on all around you, caused by a big hurricane and flooding...
There are huge masses of water all around you....
You are a CNN photographer...and you are in the middle of this great disaster.....
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...
There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water...
Nature is showing all its destroying power... and is taking everything away with it...
Suddenly you see a man floating by on a log...
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud...
You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar and, somehow, important...
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever...

You have two options:

You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo...
A photo displaying the death of a very powerful man...
And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Will you take the photo in black and white, or color??

2007-09-13 08:40:02 · 30 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

Painless Delivery


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain by sending out radio waves to
the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. How ever, as the labor progressed, the husband felt Fine

and asked the doctor to turn the dial up and kick it up a notch!

The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%, then 30%, then 40% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this
point, they decided to try for 50%!

The husband continued to feel quite well, no pain at all. Since the pain
transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a

healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

2007-09-13 07:59:18 · 12 answers · asked by Shorty 2

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

2007-09-13 07:26:34 · 29 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. However, if she i s menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

2007-09-13 07:17:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

2007-09-13 07:05:12 · 8 answers · asked by jock 1

'Ethical Merits' is an anagram of my first and last name.

2007-09-13 06:34:09 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have asked many questions, you have laughed at many of my jokes, or smiled at my dumb answers. I am trying to get many stars so plz star me I mean come on you get to points anyways!

2007-09-13 04:45:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the over 30 Crowd!!!!!!!!!
How true!!!

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things
were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning . uphill
BOTH ways. Yadda, yadda, yadda..........
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch
of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm
over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've
got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood,
you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't
know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a
kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to
walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning
and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got
a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It
could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take
your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the
Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids' and the graphics sucked ***! Your guy
was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And
there were no multiple levels or screens it was just one screen
forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you
died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the
same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a
hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you
were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen
menu and no remote control! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV
to change the channel and there was no Cartoon
Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We
had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up.We had to use the stove or go build a
frigging fire... imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1980!
Regards,
The over 30
Crowd

2007-09-13 04:35:43 · 8 answers · asked by CAM 5

No, no, not that one.................or that one.....

.....boom, boom.......???

2007-09-13 03:51:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

We have feeling to you know.

2007-09-13 03:06:38 · 23 answers · asked by ? 5

Who would it be and what would you do in that short 24hrs?

2007-09-13 03:01:23 · 21 answers · asked by Jared 2

it's called the Renault McCann!

oh yeh!

2007-09-13 02:57:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.This is your captain PATEL (Boniface) welcoming both seated and standing
passengers on board of Air India.We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off...it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.This is flight 717 to Mumbai.Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favour, we may even be anding on your village! Air India has an excellent safety record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for
you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we
serve complimentary DHARU and Wada pavw.For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airlines who can help you find out if there is really God!!

2007-09-13 02:51:18 · 34 answers · asked by fartatartout! 4

1]At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.
Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."
So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.
As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.
Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.
So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"
And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ***!!!"
2]

2007-09-13 02:10:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

is that why people on here become ratty and spite full towards people who try their best to give some people a laugh.
Is it your aim on this site to abuse other's the best you can.
Ive only been on here today for the first time and the hate that's churned here is sickning.
Im supprised parents allow their young people on here at all,
im 18,and thinking what is this q/a for. spread the hate?

2007-09-13 02:03:25 · 16 answers · asked by tia-mariea 1

A true Vegan is a hypocritical mythical creature, rarely seen in public know to live throughout the world but mainly in the bible belts of the Americas living in caves, it is rumored that these mythical creature don't walk on grass but rather can actually hover. It has been said that these vegans are the closest things to living God's.

A true vegans can be hypnotic when speaking so never approach one alone, in fact the forestry commission has issued this warning on treks were vegans are known to travel.

"If you are unlucky enough to be approached by (and it's highly possible especially if you are minding your own business and eating a burger)one of these creatures it's advised that one should covers ones ears and run like a bat out of hell in the opposite direction"
Also drop the burger as this will distract them as they have been known to try to bring the burger back to life.

2007-09-13 01:39:12 · 4 answers · asked by Knowlege colege student 2

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know

2007-09-13 01:29:53 · 22 answers · asked by GL 2

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a televi-sion set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him le-gally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

2007-09-13 01:14:57 · 7 answers · asked by Luiz Sabra 7

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out

and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and

when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the

blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she

does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her

head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The

blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

2007-09-13 00:54:59 · 11 answers · asked by Oh itsme !! 3

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
Stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
Stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
With them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for
salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy
to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."

2007-09-12 23:24:36 · 9 answers · asked by Ness 2

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret
in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted......

2007-09-12 22:38:13 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

This guy calls his boss and says "Man, I'm not coming in this morning, I feel like crap. I have a headache, a sore throat, stuffy nose, and I'm just not coming in." The boss says, "Whenever I feel bad I go to my wife and ask for sex, then I feel better. Why don't you try that." A little bit later the employee calls back and says "You were right, I feel much better now! I'll be in to work shortly. By the way, you have a really nice house."

2007-09-12 22:19:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a giraffe pointed to another giraffe while it was talking to it's friend and said "I'm the daughter of that giraffe but that giraffe is not my mom."

how is that possible??

2007-09-12 21:50:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, Theres something hes needing
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing...........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing

2007-09-12 20:02:40 · 13 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5