Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

2007-09-14 09:13:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

90 yr old: Doctor my 18 yr old wife's pregnant...What's your take on this????
Doc: Let me tell you a story....Once a hunter decided to go to the woods to hunt...and in a hurry took his umbrella instead of a gun...so in the woods he saw a tiger approaching and pulled out his umbrella and pulled the handle and........"BANG"................ tiger was dead.....
Man: That's impossible....Someone else must've killed it...
Doctor: "EXACTLY"
Better star it if you like it.......

2007-09-14 09:13:12 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on...

She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers!!"

2007-09-14 09:10:27 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world . . .

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

2007-09-14 09:04:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 make it wet,
u suck it!
2 make it stiff,
u lick it!
2 get it in,
u push!
Hell fire, threading a needle when u get older is NO JOKE!

2007-09-14 08:33:40 · 26 answers · asked by xxshellxx 2

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a hubby said to his wife:" Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight>"
She replies:"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!!"
The hubby said:"I know all that". "Well then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight", asked the wife.
The guy answered:"Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married!!!!"

2007-09-14 07:59:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man gets pulled over for running a stop sign
officer-do you no why I stoped you?
man-no
officer-you ran a stop sign
man-you saw me slow down
officer-its a stop sign not a slow down sign
man-I slowed down, I was in the clear ..whats the diffirence
officer-I show you the diffirence, he pulled out his nightstick, and starts beating the man in the head ..and ask do you want me too stop or do you want me to slow down?

2007-09-14 07:56:44 · 15 answers · asked by flybadblue 2

i said you " you cant do that ,i only brought him to get his claws clipped"...he said "no you missunderstand me..hes getting heavy & my arms are starting to ache...stars appreceated ..ta

2007-09-14 07:55:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after life.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact.

"Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late
at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

2007-09-14 07:40:39 · 34 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

Next time you’re on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Swat at flies that don’t exist.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”
Fart loudly then exclaim “Was that you. There’s no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don’t come out loud.”
Before the elevator door opens shout “DING” and then laugh and say “beat you again Mr Elevator.”
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger’s direction.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “that’s mine!”
Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

2007-09-14 07:17:06 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The new "Renault McCann"

So roomy you could lose a child in it!

2007-09-14 06:39:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to see simon cowell and brittney spears in the same room, and simon tells brittney exactly what he thinks of her
what do you want to see?

2007-09-14 05:59:35 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm at work, and making some advance but I'm really bored, from time to time I like seeing something itnerested on the web just to shake the boredom out of me. Thought maybe a good joke might. Any good jokes you might have? 10 points to the best!!!

2007-09-14 05:41:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some incestuous Hillbilly brother and sister and having a bit of rumpy pumpy.

Whilst the brother is giving his sister a full length from the rear she bursts out laughing.

"Whats wrong?" he exclaims.

"Nothing" she says.

After a position change, to her with her legs round his ears once again the sister begins to laugh.

"Come on, whats so funny" demands the brother.

"You shag just like Dad" she giggles.

to this the brother responds, "Oh yes, mum says that!"

2007-09-14 05:36:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lets all have a laugh about the tv show and the pointless audience.

2007-09-14 05:19:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.






















Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

2007-09-14 04:54:17 · 15 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

Unfortunately it's only on paper view.

2007-09-14 04:40:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
· -she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
· -she thought a quarterback was a refund.
· -she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
· -she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
· -she thought General Motors was in the army.
· -she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
· -she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
· -under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she tripped over a cordless phone.
· -she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
· -she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
· -at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
· -she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she studied for a blood test.
· -she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
· -she sold the car for gas money!
· -when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
· -when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
· -she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
· -if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
· -she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
evening.

2007-09-14 03:55:26 · 11 answers · asked by JLC 5

paddy and murphy are asked to identify their mate shamus's body, that has been badly burned. Paddy goes in first, flips the body over, looks at the bum and says nope, that's not him. Murphy has a look, turns the body over, looks at the bum and says ur right paddy, its not him. Amazed, the doctor asks how they could possibly tell that by looking at the bum.
Paddy replied 'cos everytiem we went out together people would say here comes shamus with the 2 a*seholes!'

2007-09-14 03:52:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-14 03:12:36 · 16 answers · asked by Jared 2

an airplane was about to crash, there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. the first passenger said "i am kobe bryant, the best NBA player. The lakers need me, and i cant afford to die," so he took the first pack and left the plane.

the second passenger, Hillay Clinton said, "i am the wife of a former U.S. president, a NY state senator and a potential future president. and i am the smartest woman in American history, so america's people dont want me to die", she took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

the third passenger Ted Kennedy said, "i am a US senator, the democratic party needs me and my liver still has some good years left" so he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

the fourth passenger, Bill Grahm, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old school girl, "i am old and frail and dont have many years left and as a christian i will sacrafice my life and let you have the last parachute.

2007-09-14 03:10:49 · 23 answers · asked by yesiamalesbian 4

When we say palm oil it is made up of palm when we say almond oil it is made up of almond then why do we say a baby oil as a baby oil when it is not made up of babies.

2007-09-14 00:58:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men walked up the pearly gates in heaven and st peter said that heavens getting full so only people who died in horrible ways will be allowed in heaven. he askes the first man and he repiled "well for a while i have suspected that my wife has been cheating me so i came home early to catch her.
i looked in my flat but couldnt find anyone so i went on to the balcony and sure enough saw a man hanging from it so i got a hammer and hit his hands but he didnt ley go then i pulled the frigde onto the balcony and pushed it pver the side killing the man but i had a heartattack and died. st peter lets him in. he asks the second men the sam question "well i was exercising on my balcony when i tripped over the side, thankfuly i grabbed the balcony below me suddenly this crazy man came out and hit my hand with a hammer, he gave up and pushed a frigde on me, thats how i died.
st peters let's him. he aks the 3rd man the same question and he repiles "the funny thing is i was hiding in a fridge....

2007-09-14 00:57:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

with a carrot in one ear, a banana in the other, french fries sticking out of his nose and a bowl of pudding atop his head. He says to the doctor, "Please help me! Can you tell me what's wrong?" To which the doctor replies, "Well, you're obviously not eating right."

A man walks into the doctor's office wearing no clothes, but completely wrapped in Saran wrap. He asks the doctor, "What's wrong with me?" And the doctor looks him and up and down before replying, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

2007-09-14 00:12:18 · 6 answers · asked by Who's That Girl? 6

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a ******* liar."

2007-09-13 23:55:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

VERy FUNNNNNY JOKE?
PLEASE READ ITS WORTH IT ☺:)

OK theres these 3 guys in a sunna, one of the guys is Chinese and one is Japanese and the other one is a Hillbilly, as they were sittting, the Chinese guy started to make beeping sounds with his mouth, then the other guys were like what r u doing then he was like in China that how we can communicate as u can see i just spoke to my mother. Later then the Japanese guy started to shake his arms then they were like what r u doing he was like i just parked my car in the garage, thats how strong are technology is, then the hillbilly had to do something so he came out went to the bathroom and shoved toilet paper in his butt and walked back into the sunna and the two guys were like woooow whats that then he was like oh wouldnt you know, im geting a fax.

2007-09-13 23:26:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

2007-09-13 23:08:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 nuns go to heaven after dying in a car crash and st peter ask them a question each, he asks the first one WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE FIRST WOMEN AND she says EVE
and he lets her in. he asks the second one WHERE DID EVE LIVE and she say THE GARDEN OF EDEN and he lets her in
he says the third one that as she is the mother superia the question will be harder he says WHAT WAS THE THIRD THING THAT EVE SAID TO ADAM THE NUN LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS ERM..THATS A HARD ONE SUDDNELY ST PETER SAYS RIGHT COME ON IN!!!

2007-09-13 22:54:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL...NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $1,270,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

FOOT IN MOUTH...UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

2007-09-13 22:12:23 · 9 answers · asked by william v 5

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done. In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.Here are a few scenes
1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! LongLive Rajanikanth 2)In another movie,Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters.Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife.Guess, what? He throws the knife at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

2007-09-13 22:03:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous