Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

2007-09-15 10:36:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5.Repeat every third third word you say say.

6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11.Order a bucket of lard.

12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13.Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18.Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19.Drool.

20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

2007-09-15 10:31:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the backwoods of Kentucky a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes, he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

2007-09-15 09:55:48 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-09-15 09:28:10 · 4 answers · asked by lord_andys_new_id 1

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."


Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"


Your garbage can IS your "in" box.


You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.


You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.


Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.


You sleep more at work than at home.


You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.


Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.


You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

2007-09-15 09:18:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

2007-09-15 09:12:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was on my way home and i got a phone call. it was my manager saying "you've been promoted! im giving you $50 a week" i swirve off the road. i couldnt believe it. i drove on when i got another call from my manager saying "you've been promoted! im now giving you $75 a week" i swirve off the round amazed. then i carried on driving when then i got another call from my manager saying "you've been promoted! in fact you are now the manager!" i was so excited i swirve off the road.. into a tree. then a policeman came and asked "what have you done dude!" i replied "i carrered off the road!

its not the best joke but certainly not the worst.

2007-09-15 09:04:48 · 21 answers · asked by Totally_Orton 3

2007-09-15 08:51:05 · 4 answers · asked by entertainment fan 7

2007-09-15 08:27:18 · 43 answers · asked by area52 6

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

2007-09-15 07:15:26 · 56 answers · asked by Anonymous

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

2007-09-15 07:09:02 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lets say a train has left San Francisco at approximately 2:00 p.m. heading towards Atlanta traveling at 100 mph while carrying 500 lbs of dynamite per cart. While this is happening the engineer of the train starts to feel sick and then passes out completely. The train then starts to go out of control running of the tracks threw the desert and eventually into the Grand Canyon. When the train hits the bottom of the Grand Canyon all the dynamite explodes causing the whole Grand Canyon to collaspe. This causes the Continental Divide to break in half sending California out into the Pacific Ocean with Hawaii. If the engineer never passed out onto train then how many years would it take for the world to end?

2007-09-15 06:11:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were faithful and loving wives......however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls finished they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst....my wife came home with no panties!

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that read, "From all of us at the Fire Station......
We'll never forget you."

2007-09-15 05:57:56 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Stacy 6

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. POOR MEN SUCK

12. PACK MY STUFF

AND MY FAVORITE ONE

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

2007-09-15 05:54:02 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Stacy 6

This is a collection of actual leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with
my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was
performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for
two days..."
3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's
leave..."
4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one
responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock
and I may not return, please grant me half day casual
leave".

2007-09-15 05:36:04 · 11 answers · asked by fartatartout! 4

there is a very smart blonde girl, big foot, and a unicorn all standing in a line at one end of the street. They all see a dollar and run for it. Who gets there first?

2007-09-15 04:27:14 · 26 answers · asked by Normal 3

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!"

2007-09-15 03:48:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shine a torch into her ear...

STAR IF YOU LIKE IT

2007-09-15 03:40:47 · 9 answers · asked by Take Me Here...... 3

What do you think of this Yo Momma joke?

Yo momma is like an autobody shop. She costs 5 cents per screw!

I heard about it from someone else, but I thought it was good.

2007-09-15 03:38:52 · 8 answers · asked by C F 2

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

"If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity."

"What good is running if one is on the wrong road?"

"Sorrow and silence are strong, and patient endurance is godlike."

"If you think it's difficult to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

"I am a student. Please do not fold, spindle, or mutilate me."


"And while I at length debate and beat the bush, There shall step in other men and catch the birds."

"Children are God's punishment for having s*x. And Grandchildren are God's reward for putting up with them."

2007-09-15 03:17:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-15 02:07:52 · 31 answers · asked by Denise C 1

- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-of news that happens in the whole world everyday always exactly fits the newspaper?
-the man who invents all your money is called a broker?
-doctors call what they do "practice"
-lemon juice is made with artificial flavor ,while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemon?
-they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
-the airport is called the "terminal" flying is so safe ?
-"abbreviated" is such a long word?

here r others that i wrote in this link
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsScpDJId25.6WYiGQkZ7mHWxQt.;_ylv=3?qid=20070915043936AAC8nTW i hope u like them, give me a star if u do plz
thnx:D

2007-09-15 01:45:54 · 8 answers · asked by ♫crave∑usic♫ 3

-people who r willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

-when people say "oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too" yeah?! what good is a cake if u can't eat it?

-when people say while u r watching a film "did u see that?" no tosser i just paid 2o L.E to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

-people who ask " can i ask you a question?" didn't really give me a choice there , did u sunshine.

-when people say "life is short." what da...?? life is the longest dame thing anyone ever does. what can u do that's longer?

-when sth 'is new and improved'. which is it? if it's new, then there has never been anything before it.if it's improvement, then there must have been something before it. u can't be both.

-people who announce they r going to the toilet.thank you that's the image i really needed.

-Macdonalds staff who pretend they don't understand u unless you insert 'mc'

2007-09-15 00:39:36 · 8 answers · asked by ♫crave∑usic♫ 3

with his face covered with fresh blood. All the other bats enviously went "ooooooooh" - where've you been?" "Come with me and I'll show you" he said, and flew out of the cave, followed by all the other bats. After some time, he landed on a small tree, followed by all the other bats. "Are we there?" the others asked. "Yes" replied the one with the bloody face. "You see that big tree over there?" "Yes" the others replied excitedly. "Well, I flippin didn't!!"

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up
alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So...
out looking for a little, huh ?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm
out looking for a lot !!!"
.............................
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

2007-09-15 00:04:22 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

A Minister and his wife were expecting their 1st baby. The minister asked his congregation if he could have a raise in salary to help with the extra cost. The congregation held a meeting and decided that they would grant a rise in pay every time the couple had an addition to their family.
However, after the 6th baby was born they held another meeting and invited the minister and his wife along to tell them it was getting very costly as they kept having more and more babies.
The minister yelled " Having children is an act of God"
There was silence till an old lady piped up
"yeah, and so is rain and snow but every time we have too much we wear rubbers"!!!!!!

2007-09-14 23:48:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

2007-09-14 23:24:32 · 15 answers · asked by J S 2

2007-09-14 22:42:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."



"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."



The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"



You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DI*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS*SHOLE?"



And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

2007-09-14 21:42:34 · 24 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was Homosexual.



The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."



The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.



The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.



His companions, somewhat! shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

2007-09-14 21:26:04 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

This link has got to be one of the funniest I've seen for a while. What do you think.?

http://www.scaryideas.com/video/3785/

2007-09-14 20:48:56 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6