Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it?
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no...a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing you?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird

2007-09-16 06:22:58 · 10 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

2007-09-16 06:09:43 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

He goes behind a tree and a few minutes later calls out, 'Oh, I've had a baby.'
His friend goes behind the tree for a look and says, 'No, you've just sh*t on a frog.'

2007-09-16 05:59:11 · 27 answers · asked by allen r 3

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

2007-09-16 05:58:09 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has
started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves,
they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is
she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner dates.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes
the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!

star if funny

2007-09-16 05:36:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

2007-09-16 05:34:25 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

2007-09-16 05:16:19 · 4 answers · asked by pinkdaisy 3

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. Im a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to
the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments. Then she asked "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

2007-09-16 04:19:03 · 24 answers · asked by J S 2

This is the second contest held! This is a weekly contest!! Say a joke or anything funny and you will win. Winners will be posted in MY hall of fame. JOKE TIME!

1st week's winner: loza500's joke won!!! Check it out here

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aos6.V_FjrsU7t2bhdrirSzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070909190924AA4hBnk

2007-09-16 03:47:27 · 4 answers · asked by I ♥ Music 2

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

2007-09-16 02:37:53 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lemon entry my dear Wason!!!

2007-09-16 02:36:42 · 11 answers · asked by Spiny Norman 7

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here."

2007-09-16 02:16:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sex with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

2007-09-16 02:06:54 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."

2007-09-16 00:57:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
Envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that Needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown)
Who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000
That Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
th eir
Special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out
For me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant
Freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water Buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward
An email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove Toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car
So a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
Products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave
Anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or newspaper stands,
because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS .

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume Sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number
For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda < /st1:country-region>,
Singapore And Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their Recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it Bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in a
parking lot
Because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my Car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
Companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 Minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to Grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a
Friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
Cousin's' beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
Discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail With their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

2007-09-16 00:44:19 · 6 answers · asked by xenypoo 7

One night 4 college students Were Playing Till Late Night and Didn't Study
For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty
and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that
they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of
car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and they were not
in condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 day! s. They thanked him
and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared
before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,
All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all
agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100

Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!

2007-09-16 00:07:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding on the bus instead of walking .... so shut the f^$# up."

2007-09-15 23:14:52 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


(i prefer jokes)

2007-09-15 23:13:14 · 2 answers · asked by ? 3

are in the menstral cycle.....When a woman ovulates she prefers men with rugged masculine features,,When she menstruates she prefers men with smart and clean shaven,,,And when she has PMT she prefers men to be doused in petrol set alight with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his back side......
star if you like it

2007-09-15 23:02:46 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

fill in the blanks ^_^

2007-09-15 22:06:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

2007-09-15 21:48:59 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-09-15 21:24:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, ! and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

2007-09-15 21:14:12 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull$-h-i-t-ing me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

2007-09-15 21:06:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The average man's life consists of :

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going.

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question.

And at the end, the mourners wondering too.

2007-09-15 20:58:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

2007-09-15 20:56:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His p e n i s was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

2007-09-15 20:50:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

>One : Don't miss the boat.
>Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
>Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
>Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do
>something really big.
>Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be
>done.
>Six : Build your future on high ground.
>Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
>Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
>cheetahs.
>Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
>Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
>professionals.
>
>Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
>rainbow waiting...Pass this along and make someone else smile, too.

2007-09-15 20:34:41 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

2007-09-15 20:29:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.



At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."



When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.



A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
..

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."



Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.



First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

2007-09-15 20:09:07 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3