Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Scientists have crossed a chicken with an onion...........finally a c.o.c.k. that can bring tears to your eyes!!!!!!

2007-09-17 10:15:53 · 12 answers · asked by EDGIE 1

BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE

BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

2007-09-17 09:50:01 · 13 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Are You a Child of the 80s?
1. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair "...and can do the "Carlton".
2. You rember when girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
3. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
4. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
5. Two words: Hammer Pants.
6. You watched "Fraggle Rock ".
7. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your bike wheel spokes for that incredible sound effect.
8. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales ". (Woo ooh!)
9. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
10. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.
15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jeans and jean jackets and were proud of it.
17. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing " and all the Ramona books.
18. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
19. You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
20. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
21. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
22. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
23. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
24. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - "You Give Love a Bad Name". 25. You went to a roller skating rink before there were inline skates.
26. You owned a bannana clip.
27. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
28. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
29. You remember Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" ad campaign.
30. You're still humming "shot through the heart...and you're to blame..." aren't you?!

2007-09-17 09:39:38 · 21 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

A man gets a job at the local zoo. On his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do so the head keeper tells him to clean out the fish tank.

He is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next.

2007-09-17 09:22:49 · 34 answers · asked by J S 2

...... the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50p to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50p."

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

2007-09-17 09:10:32 · 15 answers · asked by J S 2

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc."

2007-09-17 09:03:14 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

2007-09-17 08:54:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.

"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.

"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.

"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

2007-09-17 08:54:35 · 11 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

2007-09-17 08:26:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Dont throw cigarettes in toilette, I dont pee in your ashtrey"
"I don't pee in your swimming-pool, don't swim in my toilette?"

Any bright new ideas?

2007-09-17 08:22:33 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tricky walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

Tricky says, "You're bullsh**tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

2007-09-17 08:21:34 · 18 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A man goes to hire a hitman. "I want you to kill my wife" he says. "Ok sir" he replies, "when i see her, i will shoot her just below the left tit. "Oh no" says the man, "i want her dead, not bloody knee-capped" !!

2007-09-17 08:19:56 · 29 answers · asked by EDGIE 1

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

2007-09-17 08:14:34 · 34 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog
"Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his
license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He
said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He
said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't
understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have
been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for
sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The
Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in
the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you
don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He
called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The
judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had
left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley
at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...

2007-09-17 08:05:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 women were about to be executed. 1 brunette, 1 redhead and 1 blonde. The guards brought the 1st woman forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted:"...Ready....Aim!!! and suddenly, the brunette yelled, 'EARTHQUAKE"!!
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought the 2nd woman, the redhead and asked, if she had any last requests. She said no, and again, the executioner shouted:...Ready...Aim ...and the redhead yelled: TORNADO!!!!" She also, escaped.
By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted again:"..Ready...Aim!! and the blonde yelled:"FIRE!!!"

2007-09-17 07:38:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

The three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Statictics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get these odds.

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his steps, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.

2007-09-17 07:17:55 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

“You always sleep on the floor?” That is the question, now I need a good response. One guy fell out of the bed from a nightmare and now another guy is teasing him because he was on the floor asleep.
What can the other guy say in response?
I need something good! it can be funny or smart or anything as long as it is good.

2007-09-17 07:04:10 · 11 answers · asked by Bookworm 2

Okay there is this little chair and he .............he has shoes and he can dance around and he wears the shoes and he is dancing like to his favourite pop tunes all sorts really....s club seven, girls aloud, spice girls the lot and then his dad who is a dog says "Why do you always listen to that music" and it turns out he´s gay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh I love that one, always cracks up me and my aunt who I live with but we dont share a bed anymore. Not for atleast 4 months

2007-09-17 06:54:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-17 06:40:21 · 8 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

Hey, what do you all this of this video... funny or what?
The kid in this sent this to the tv show Australias Funniest Home Videos.... I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yuTf7rPIuY8

Gotta say, I love Auntie Janice

Hope you all enjoy it

2007-09-17 06:15:40 · 7 answers · asked by smr 3

I have been sick all week, I have tried lots of OTC stuff. My
deduction is I have a yeast infection, ate too much white bread, has that happened to you?

2007-09-17 05:51:23 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

One fine spring day,a farmer walks through his orchard to a nearby pond,carrying a bucket of fruit.Once there,he spies 2sexy young woman skinny-dipping.Spotting him,they duck down below the water so that only their heads are visible.
"We're not coming out until you leave!2shouts one of the girls.
Thinking on his feet,the farmer replies:"Oh,I' not here to see you two-just here to feed the pirahanas!"
MARITAL RELATIONS:
Mr Johnson and his secretary are on a 1st class flight.As they're nodding off for the night,the secretary,who has long had a crush on her boss,says in her most seductive voice,"I'm a little cold.Can I get under your blanket?"
Reading her signals clearly,the boss says,"How would you like to be Mrs Johnson for a while?"
"I'd love it!"the secretary,replies,jumping at the chance.
"Great,"Mr Johnson says,"then get your own damn blanket".

2007-09-17 05:45:55 · 14 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

What's not to like?

2007-09-17 05:04:43 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

2007-09-17 05:03:26 · 9 answers · asked by Sweety 3

2007-09-17 04:05:59 · 34 answers · asked by Melois Koro 3

it is an easy riddle

2007-09-17 02:30:53 · 27 answers · asked by venus 3

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

2007-09-17 01:29:47 · 13 answers · asked by Star dust 4

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

2007-09-17 00:31:17 · 18 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

2007-09-17 00:28:44 · 14 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

of the first guy. "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not," remarked the first Polish guy.

His buddy replied, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel."

He continued, "You paint one ball red, and one ball blue. Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' - You hit her with the shovel."

2007-09-17 00:20:53 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3