Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary -Overload -Recreational -Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work -Isolating -Neutralizer -Extract (WINE) or Bothersome -Employer -Elimination - Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

2007-09-18 03:41:03 · 21 answers · asked by . 6

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a b***j**." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

2007-09-18 03:37:37 · 19 answers · asked by Father Jacks Drinking pal 3

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand. "I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor, still alive...." "Shoot it", says the farmer, "and then bury him". A little while later he gets another phone call. "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera?!"

2007-09-18 03:37:14 · 31 answers · asked by . 6

DICE
TROUBLE
DICE

I can't find the answer to this riddle, mabye you can....

2007-09-18 03:35:11 · 2 answers · asked by halodude1010 1

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

2007-09-18 03:19:04 · 9 answers · asked by Father Jacks Drinking pal 3

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

2007-09-18 03:12:30 · 31 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, etc...
The man left the bar impressed, but thought he would try a different tact.

He returned and took a seat. Again the robot asked what he would have? "A martini please." Again it was superb.

The robot asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man said , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, etc.

2007-09-18 03:02:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two crocodiles wandering around the swamp in Australia, when one says to the other, "George we are the same age and live in the same place, why are you twice the size of me?"
"Well Harry, what do you eat?"
"The same as you." replies Harry, "Stray Aussies."
"But what do you do when you catch one?" Asks George.
"Well," Begins Harry, "I roll around beating the sh*t out of them, then I eat them".
"There's your problem then, when you remove the sh*t from an Aussie all your left with is an ar*ehole in a hat!"

2007-09-18 02:18:30 · 8 answers · asked by the_mad_donkey 2

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2007-09-18 02:16:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes running into a sex shop to return His blow-up doll.
He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."
The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75!"

2007-09-18 02:12:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: so, general Reinwald,what thing are u going to teach these young boys when they visit ur base.

GENERAL REINWALD: we're going teach them climbing,canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: shooting! thats a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I dont see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't u admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I dont see how. we will be teaching the proper rifle disipline before they touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But ur equipping them to become violent killers!!!

GENERAL REINWALD: We'll Ma'am you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you??

the radio went silent and the interview ended.......

you gotta love the marines dont ya!

2007-09-18 01:35:48 · 9 answers · asked by richy 3

When he told the market vendor, he replied, " I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the hornest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse, he gave Randy a pep talk. "Randy, I'm counting on you to do your stuff." Without a word, he strutted into the henhouse. Randy was as fast as he was furious, taking each hen like a thunderbolt. Randy didn't stop there; he had his way with all of the horses, then he did the same in the pig pen. The farmer cried, "Stop Randy, you'll kill yourself!", but Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. the next morning, the farmer found Randy lying with his legs in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling. the farmer said, "Oh you poor thing look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy." Randy whispered, "Shhhh, the buzzard's getting closer......."

2007-09-18 01:29:01 · 5 answers · asked by HUSKERC94 4

If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

2007-09-18 01:27:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

wished for inspiration o find a question to post. You see I wanted to earn like four hundred stars and have 3600 responses. Yet the only question i can think of is what side is yellow? ( it is part of the Year of the banana festival held each year in the village of snedon hill in south cumbria. There is a huge banner across the main road asking which side is yellow. Any ideas?

2007-09-18 01:06:33 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

hello
hi honey this is daddy is mammy near the phone?
no daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with uncle paul
after a brief pause daddy says "but honey u haven't got an uncle paul
"oh yes i do and he is upstairs in the room with mammy right now
breif pause "uh okay then,this is what i want u to do put the phone downon the table, run upstair knock the bedroom door an shout to mammy daddys car just pulled in the driveway."
ok daddy just a minute
a while later the little girl comes back to the phone done it daddy
"What happened honey"
"Well mammy got scared jumped out of bed naked ran round the room screaming and tripped over and knocked her head on the dresser now she aint moving at all
what bout uncle paul asked dad
he jumped out the window into the swimming pool but i guess he didn't know u empted the water last week he hit the bottom an i think hes dead.
really long pause this time.
daddy says"swimming pool?.. is this 486-5731
"no this is 486-5713..
sorry wrong number..

2007-09-18 00:50:40 · 18 answers · asked by richy 3

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard

Q: How is a woman like a cond om?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di ck.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already in America.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About 45lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband.
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $5 a minute.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip across the flat ones.

2007-09-18 00:30:11 · 10 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these bre @sts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My but is firm and solid!

2007-09-18 00:25:52 · 16 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

throws it at her boyfren n said
' make me feel like a woman'




boyfren removes his jeans, throw it at her & said
'WASH BOTH!!'

2007-09-17 23:56:17 · 21 answers · asked by jpirathaj 2

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye. (Done that 1 myself! lol)

2007-09-17 23:30:36 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

SATAN'S TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR PARENTS

Thou shalt not take thy children to a Bible-believing church

That's right, the last thing I need is a generation of children who learn to believe and obey God's word! Take your sons and daughters to a big and liberal church where there are scores of fun activities to waste their time and rob them of any chance to really learnthe Bible. Don't take them to an old-fashioned and fundamental church where the King James Bible is believed, preached and taught.

Thou shalt not teach thy children to know and serve Jesus Christ

I'll never populate Hell if you allow your children to see their lost condition and their need to have their sins washed away in the blood of Jesus Christ! Let them wait until they are older so they can decide for themselves what to believe. By then, I'll have them so brainwashed they'll never be saved. Tell them when to get up, when to take a bath, what to eat, when to be home and when to go to bed, but don't tell them what to believe about God, the Bible, and Jesus Christ.

Thou shalt not spank thy children

I want to produce a whole generation of self-serving rebels who are not disciplined and who do not respect any moral authority-- including God. When this happens, I will rule the world and damn billions to Hell forever! I need YOUR help! DON'T spank that child!

Thou shalt enroll thy children in a day care center

Mom, don't even think of staying home to train up your children! Sure, the Bible commands women to be "keepers at home," but who believes the Bible these days? Your family can't make it on a single income. Get yourself a job and let my specially trained day care agents start working on your children. You make the babies and let me handle the rest.

Thou shalt enroll thy children in the public school system

Don't even think of home schooling or a private school. You just trust me to educate your children the way I think best. The public school system is packed full of my agents. We've already thrown the Bible, the Ten Commandments and prayer out of the schools. Now we're having the time of our life! We'll teach your kids that they have evolved from animals so they'll feel no obligation to honor and obey their true Creator. Then we'll let them dress any way they choose while teaching them all about sex. We'll even have a few dances each year so they can rub their bodies together while listening and dancing to the most ungodly music the world has ever known. With a little luck, your kids will have their own kids before finishing high school, which just means more day care prospects for me! Don't you just love my system?!!!!

Thou shalt allow thy children to walk, talk, dress and act like all other children

You wouldn't want you child to feel strange or different from other kids, would you? Of course you wouldn't! You want your child to grow up to fit into the world, to feel accepted and normal in society. That's exactly what I want! I want everyone to just fit in with society - to conform to the trends and fashions of the day. I have the majority of the earth's population marching right into Hell without even knowing it. Don't ask questions about your children's conduct, their styles, and their trends. Just accept it as "the latest thing" and let me direct their footsteps. I know just where they need to be and I know just how to get them there!

Thou shalt teach thy children to worship sports

Ah, yes! Let's not forget that one! Let's keep that child's mind occupied all the time lest they start thinking and asking questions about God, the Bible and Jesus Christ! I want them playing baseball, softball, basketball, football, ballet, swimming, track, gymnastics, and everything else you can find. In addition to this, buy them shoes and clothing endorsed by famous sports figures and take them to every sporting event possible. With a little effort, you can waste at least ten or fifteen hours every week! Hopefully, by the time they're grown they'll be reading the sports page and watching the sports channel every day while neverreading the Bible.

Thou shalt provide thy children with unrestricted entertainment

Don't deprive your kids of all the things that other kids enjoy, such as Internet access, their choice magazines, video games, television and movies. These are perfect mediums by which I am reaching millions of young people every day. They're listening to my music, looking at my pictures, and applying my self destructive principles in their lives. It's amazing how willing parents are to turn their kids over to me, but they're certainly doing it. So pleasedon't ask questions or investigate the choice entertainment of your sons and daughters.

Thou shalt permit thy sons and daughters to start dating by the age of sixteen

Preferably before then, like maybe thirteen or fourteen, but certainly no later than sixteen! Other teenagers date, so why shouldn't your teens date? Other teenagers experiment with sex, drugs and alcohol, so why shouldn't your teens do likewise? You think, "Oh, my teen wouldn't do anything like that!" Yeah, right! I'm so glad you foolish parents have such short memories! I'm so glad you've forgotten yourteenage years! One of my greatest assets in ruining your child is your belief that your child is different and wouldn't do any wrong. You make my job so easy - and fun!

Thou shalt not receive counsel from any Christian

When you encounter a Christian who has exceptionally well behaved children, you will be tempted to seek advice from them on raising your own children. DON'T! These people are religious nuts. They believing in training up children GOD'S WAY, which is the old-fashioned way. This is the twenty-first century, a new age with a new way of life. Away with God and the Bible! Away with Jesus and fundamental churches! Live like you want to live! After all, you only live once, and then you'll be in Hell forever - along with your kids! Just fear me and keep MY commandments, and we'll all be together one day - sooner than you may think!


Your's Truly . . . . . Lucifer

2007-09-17 23:26:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the lavatory. Those who
remained, talked about their children.

The first man said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second man said, "That's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the gents and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day, he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

2007-09-17 23:24:26 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-09-17 23:12:26 · 5 answers · asked by bilal 1

When i woke this morning I had all of my duvet wrapped around my head and my teeth were sticking out of my mouth. I felt definite twitches in my nose and longish hairs protruding from my nostrils.

I wee-wee'd on the bathroom floor in the corner and then jumped down the stairs two stairs at a time. When I opened the fridge door I found myself strangely attracted the large slab of cheddar at the back.

I have now arrived at work and can't stop scratching.

Do you think I have become a rat?

2007-09-17 23:11:10 · 11 answers · asked by sal-your pal 4

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men>1. What are you thinking about?>2. Do you love me?>3. Do I look fat in this?>4. Do you think she is prettier than me?>5. What would you do if I died?>>What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to >explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e. Tells >the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed >below, along with possible responses.>>Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of >course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on >what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and >how lucky I am to have met you.">>This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most >likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you >are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died.">>Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who >once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be >talking to you!">>Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel >a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear.">>Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make >you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." >d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?">>Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course >not!">>Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, >but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." >d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking >about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.">>Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper >response is an emphatic: "Of course not!">>Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality. " >b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when >you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was >just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.">>Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The >real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")>>No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of >follow-up questions, usually along these lines:>>Woman: Would you get married again?>Man: Definitely not!>Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?>Man: Of course I do.>Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?>Man: Okay, I'd get married again.>Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)>Man: (audible groan)>Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?>Man: Where else would we sleep?>Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of >her?>Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.>Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?>Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.>Woman: (silence)>Man: Sh*t.

2007-09-17 23:06:37 · 15 answers · asked by The Ghost of Scousertommy 2

One drinks water and the other milk why

2007-09-17 22:51:41 · 2 answers · asked by jobees 6

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

2007-09-17 20:45:24 · 0 answers · asked by Anonymous

life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in little white box to use as a house. He took the box back home, found a good location for it then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Chris a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

.
.
.
.
A little voice came out of the box: ..
" I heard you the first time, I'm putting my Bloody shoes on!"

2007-09-17 20:09:04 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

He went to the doctor and the doc told him he was busy so he would have to be a little patient.

2007-09-17 19:40:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-17 19:39:00 · 5 answers · asked by karma 3

.

A guy decides to have a party where his guests?

are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in

green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant come on In and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking

with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow! great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third

time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his w1lly in bowl of custard

and the other with his w1lly stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could

get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?" Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair

2007-09-17 19:38:30 · 5 answers · asked by craig 1