Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.


One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the c0ck was missing.


He knew about the c0ck fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.


During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a c0ck?"


All the men stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck?"


All the women stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to them?"


Half the women stood up!


“No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY c0ck?"


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.



;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;bonus
What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater. "That man beside me is fumbling
his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer. "Easy for you to say. He's using my
hand!"
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

2007-09-17 00:00:42 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3

are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in

green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant come on In and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking

with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow! great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third

time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his w1lly in bowl of custard

and the other with his w1lly stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could

get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?" Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair

2007-09-16 23:53:52 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

Before I came to where I live today, I stayed in a house next to my auntie, with my siblings, an older cousin and my other auntie, while my parents where here (where i live now) It was late at night and we only had one bed in the house. Allt he girls slept in the room and the guys ourside in the living room. My auntie had told me that my other cousin was sleeping over that night. I went to bed expecting her to sleep next to me. As I wake up in the middle of the night I stood up in bed and looked straight ahead. I saw what looked like my auntie and cousin sitting infront of the mirror giggling right infront of me. I thought nothing of it so I went back to sleep. The next day I asked my auntie where my cousin was and looking confused she told me that she never came. Then I explained to her what I saw and it sent chills up her spine.

2007-09-16 22:23:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us. When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.

"She was an angel," I informed her.

"Really?" she questioned.

"Yes, really. A perfect angel." I assured her.

"I just don't understand. Whenever she is with you she is well behaved. Whenever she is at home, she is a monster. She misbehaves for everyone else. In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class. How come she always behaves for you?" My sister in law asked.

"I don't know. I guess I just have a way with children. I also try to educate them as well. A child is never to young to learn." I answered.

"What do you mean. What did you teach her?" She inquired.

"Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process. I explained this concept very carefully to her." I informed my sister-in-law.

"Really? You explained this to her at 13?" She asked dumbfounded.

"Well, actually she was much younger when I explained this. She now understands death perfectly. Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective."

2007-09-16 21:48:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Somali arrives in Saskatoon. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me in such a beautiful country of Canada!"

The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada."

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"

She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,"Where are all the Canadians?"

The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

2007-09-16 21:35:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

All the employees at a company met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked the new guy, George, to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late.

On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and again wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left- or right-handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

"Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy," George replied. "Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. It gives me good luck, and because of that I usually win."

"OK," one of the employees questioned. "But what happens if your wife is laying on her back?"

"In that case," George says, "I am six minutes late."

2007-09-16 21:32:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is.

2007-09-16 21:11:40 · 7 answers · asked by Thor 3

a big dude came up and whacked him in the neck, knocking him to the floor. "that was a judo chop from Japan" he said. 10 minutes later, the little guy was knocked off his stool again with a swift kick. " That was a karate kick from Korea" said the bully. The little guy storms out of the bar, mad as hell. Everyone laughs and goes about their own business. Several minutes later there is a loud thump, and the big guy is knocked out cold, on the floor, bleeding severely. The small guy says "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"

2007-09-16 18:54:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde gets a job working for the highway department painting the yellow lines on roads. Her new boss tells her she must paint 12 miles a day. The first day she paints 17 miles and her boss is super impressed. Wow she is doing a great job he thought. The next day she painted 12 miles. Not as good but still meeting the requiremnts her boss thought. On the third day she only painted 5 miles. Her boss was worried and arranged a meeting with her to express his concern. He said you were doing so great whats wrong? Well the blonde sighed, every day I get further and further from the paint bucket.

2007-09-16 18:37:45 · 9 answers · asked by Honey 2

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not fu**ing ready?"

2007-09-16 18:31:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 pounds! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from 'skippin' " the Irishman said.

2007-09-16 18:28:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dam!

2007-09-16 18:04:20 · 7 answers · asked by Emtie El © 5

Okay here is the optical illusions go see it at and follow the rules. It is scary so only do it if you know you can stand it...It takes time but after you see it tell me what you think?
http://www.eyetricks.com/scary_optical_illusion2.htm

2007-09-16 17:50:31 · 12 answers · asked by LittleDaisy. 6

If an 95 year old man asked you to suck the gum off his false teeth for 100,000.00 US Dollar...would you do it?

PS, do you like vampire? For president?

2007-09-16 17:41:24 · 16 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 3

2007-09-16 15:51:44 · 11 answers · asked by Poor Middle Class In America 1

I have 4 cows 4 Jump how many do i have left?

2007-09-16 15:16:06 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle whats the answer?/?

2007-09-16 14:55:11 · 23 answers · asked by videogame_dude786 2

go to braingle.com and click on trivia and find a quiz that you want to take and tell me which one and what your score was.

2007-09-16 14:48:28 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

What do you think this Victoria is hiding..?

2007-09-16 14:10:11 · 13 answers · asked by â?¥LDâ?¥ 1

2007-09-16 14:05:27 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The one with the bigger slit in her nigab says to the other "I see."

2007-09-16 14:03:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carefully

2007-09-16 13:32:45 · 34 answers · asked by michael 2

Chipsies

2007-09-16 13:04:13 · 13 answers · asked by michael 2

railroad ties. He tried to get it out,but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard anoise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming.Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks,and I'll stop being bad!"Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the traingetting closer!He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing andI'll stop being bad!"Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away!Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out ofthe tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop tryingto look up little Mary's dress."Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fellbackwards, the train narrowly missing him.He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanksanyway God, I got it myself.

2007-09-16 13:03:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting women walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscentities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal_mart greeter said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly women stopped yelling long enough to say "He** no they aint. The oldest one's 9 and the other ones 7. Why the he** would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got lucky twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

2007-09-16 12:56:18 · 12 answers · asked by ♥STREAKER♥©℗† 7

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

2007-09-16 12:46:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

2007-09-16 12:41:46 · 10 answers · asked by kdd_angel 3

good, corny, funny, gangster, political or freaky films??
ones that you watch and the 10 points go to who watches the same as me!!

2007-09-16 12:33:22 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Me? **Here's the drink you asked for, §hizzy**

2007-09-16 12:08:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump,
and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag,
complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule
lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the
head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then sh ake
his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the
women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress
was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

2007-09-16 11:56:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous