Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the
hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned 'What kind of tattoo did
you Get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head
in disdain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

2007-09-18 10:12:28 · 30 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

what is it?

2007-09-18 10:08:26 · 6 answers · asked by cLaReBeLle 3

The youngest one was complaining that her last client only tipped $50 dollars, when her mom began to chastize her saying ''you shouldn't complain when I was in my hayday I only made $10 a trick and then the grandmother interupped and said "shut up I'm tired of your griping when I was your age I was happy to have something warm in my stomach.''

2007-09-18 09:59:07 · 7 answers · asked by Honey 2

victim. Oh no, they've found me! The cyborg doom race! Oh nooo, not the mushroom cloud of hate! (as you can tell I do alot of critical thinking, eh)

2007-09-18 09:40:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra.

Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent."

The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door.

The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.

"Grandmother!! What are you doing?

My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!" she cried.

"Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!!"

The older woman replied,
"Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets."

;-)

2007-09-18 09:38:21 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play ’Mommie and Daddy,’" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you’re taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your *** downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

2007-09-18 09:21:11 · 20 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

a farmer forgot to take his cows in one paticulary frosty nite.on discovering them frozen to the ground he went into a mad panic. another farmer who just happed to be passing said"dont worry ill sent somone to sort it out.a while later an old woman came and the farmer explaned his situation. dont worry i fixit and she ran around all the cows tapping them with a magic wand after whitch the cows jumped up and ran around.amazed at this the farmer thanked her profusly and asked if she would help again if need be, yes she replied.whats your name said the farmer. dont u recognise me she said......."i,m thora herd"

2007-09-18 09:14:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I’m a blonde?"

"Because that’s a microwave," he replied

2007-09-18 09:07:11 · 13 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.


What am I?

2007-09-18 09:06:47 · 7 answers · asked by murphyslaw 2

Ok here it goes:

1. How do you know Michael Jackson is on a date??

Answer: There's a tricycle in his driveway!

2. Whats the difference between a pizza and a baby?

Answer: the pizza doesn't cry when you shove it in the oven!

The next one isn't a joke, its just sorta funny.

3. A father that was really into golf bought a mini golf set for his 4 year old son. "Swing it like Daddy," he said, so the little boy swung it and said "Damn it!"

2007-09-18 09:01:49 · 5 answers · asked by seastarr1616 2

Morris and his wife,Esther,went to the funfair every year.And every year,Morris would say,"Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Estger always replied,"Yes,it looks fun,Morris,but that helicopter ride is £50-and £50 is £50".
One year later,Esther and Morris went to the fair again.Morris said,"Esther,I'm 85years old.If I don't ride that copter now,I might never get another chance".Ahain Esther gives the same story.
The pilot overheard the couple.He said,"Folkls, I'll make you a deal.I'll take you both for a ride.If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word,I won't charge you.But if you say 1word,it's £50".Morris and Esther agree and went up.The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoevers,but not a word was heard.When they landed,the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"Blimey!I did everything I could to get you to yell out,but you didn't.I'm impressed!"
Morris replied,"Well,I was going to say something when Esther fell out halfway,but £50 is £50".

2007-09-18 08:57:00 · 13 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

She fell out of the tree.

2007-09-18 08:38:26 · 7 answers · asked by Deb S 6

They see a sign saying 'Disneyland Left', so they turned around and went home!

2007-09-18 08:32:39 · 19 answers · asked by Mad Irish Momma 4

there was this chicken farmer he had 3,000 hens but they wernt layin eggs and he wasnt makin any money didnt know what to do.one evening readin the paper he saw an add for brewster the rooster the most over sex chicken in the world the farmer was like i gottahavehim.he took off down the road got brewster and brought him back turned him loose in the hen house he says cockadoodle loo and all the hens line up in 2 rows and brewster goes down one row f**kin all the hens goes up the next row f**kin all the hens.the farmer says damn brewster u better slow down b 4 u kill urself.farmer goes inside 4 a bit to eat and hears all this raisin hell an ruckusin the barn lot he runs outside and see's the horse and sheep backed up against the barn brewster's rapein the cat and the dog done run off thru the cotton field.farmer says brewster u better slow down b 4 u kill urself.all that night he heard raisin hell and ruckus all night long.woke the next mornin goes in the kitchin looks out the window and see's brewster and all the hens layin onthere backs claws all curled and buzzards flyin around he opens the window and yells damnit brewster i told if u didnt slow down ud kill urself bout that time brewster opens up one eye and says shutup daggonit there bout to land

2007-09-18 08:26:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier

2007-09-18 07:18:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anthony C 4

On her wedding night she was worried about the slackness of her virgina so decided to make up a story,,,she said "Look ,you may find that I am a bit loose down below,,It happened years ago when I was out rambling across a field ,and I got it caught on a fence I jumped over",,,after a few minutes of rumpy pumpy the Groom looked up at her and said "Just how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught up?"

2007-09-18 07:17:04 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work it's way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will & Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

2007-09-18 07:07:59 · 2 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in her foot.
After a while she started to limp. After a while, this ant walks up and asks, “Hey, what’s the matter?”
The elephant answers, “I’ve got this thorn in my foot and I would do anything to get it out.”
The ant says, “Anything? Would you let me make love to you?”
The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the heck. How bad could an ant be? So she agreed.

The ant started pulling on the thorn and he got it out. True to her word, the elephant laid down on her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up and started loving on her.

This monkey was up in a tree watching this. He couldn’t quite believe his eyes. He started laughing and rolling around in the tree.Then he knocked a coconut out of the tree that went down and hit the elephant right between the ears.
The elephant moaned loudly from the hit,”AwAwwoooohhhhh!”
The ant yelled at the top of his voice,“Take it all

2007-09-18 05:30:27 · 14 answers · asked by ILoveMyDS 4

A horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "why the long face?"

Magician walking down the street turn into a bar.

2007-09-18 05:26:36 · 7 answers · asked by Conqi 5

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”


He turned to the second Mom, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."



At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're outta here!''

2007-09-18 05:14:56 · 7 answers · asked by stephanie 6

A guy walked into a bar and he noticed there was a guy with a shruken head. He goes up to him and asks how that happened.

"Well, I was on a remote island and found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. She was very beautiful and naked and said she would grant me a wish. So I asked her if I could have sex with her. She said 'No, nothing like that." So then I asked if I could feel her body all over and she said 'No, nothing like that.' Frustrated I finally just said "Well then, how about a little head?!"

And another one....

There was a guy who had a 25 inch weiner. He thought it was too long, and it bugged him a lot. He heard if he went to a remote island and talked to a witch doctor, he might have the solution. So he goes there.

He finds the witch doctor and the witch doctdor says "Find a magic frog by the pond to the north, ask her to marry you. If she says no, you will lose five inches."

So he heads north to the pond and finally finds the frog.

2007-09-18 05:12:31 · 7 answers · asked by parrothair3 2

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy, my private part died today and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pjs, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein, you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that....please put your private part back inside your pjs. "But Nurse Tracy", Mr. Goldstein replied," I told you yesterday that my private part had died". "Yes you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pjs?" "Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing."

2007-09-18 05:10:31 · 8 answers · asked by HUSKERC94 4

w/ answers, thjanx

2007-09-18 05:01:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Need a good laugh.

2007-09-18 04:56:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

When he told the market vendor, he replied, " I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the hornest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse, he gave Randy a pep talk. "Randy, I'm counting on you to do your stuff." Without a word, he strutted into the henhouse. Randy was as fast as he was furious, taking each hen like a thunderbolt. Randy didn't stop there; he had his way with all of the horses, then he did the same in the pig pen. The farmer cried, "Stop Randy, you'll kill yourself!", but Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. the next morning, the farmer found Randy lying with his legs in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling. the farmer said, "Oh you poor thing look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy." Randy whispered, "Shhhh, the buzzard's getting closer......."

2007-09-18 04:54:18 · 8 answers · asked by HUSKERC94 4

First man in a queue at Tesco got to the till and saw he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up.
She asked, 'What size?' The man replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'
The next man thought this was interesting. When he got up to the till, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'
Next, a teenage boy, who had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, thought this was his chance.
When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said..
Mop to til 5!

2007-09-18 04:31:28 · 30 answers · asked by gerryish 2

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

2007-09-18 04:24:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk.

star if funny

2007-09-18 04:24:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer- Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

star if funny

2007-09-18 04:23:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

star if funny

2007-09-18 04:23:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous