Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-19 02:39:14 · 25 answers · asked by deepak n 1

2007-09-19 02:26:43 · 16 answers · asked by Jared 2

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

2007-09-19 01:59:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ahar me hearties. Avast behind ye landlubbers!
15 men on a dead mans chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
I feel much better for that!
Come on, join in!

2007-09-19 01:40:34 · 17 answers · asked by ☞H.Potter☜ 6

2007-09-19 01:33:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there lived four poeple ,there names were Nobody,Somebody,brain and mad.
One day Nobody started fighting with somebody.
So mad went and called to the police.At that time Brain was in the toilet.

MAD:"Hello , Police station,Somebody is fighting with nobody"

POLICE:How can nobody fight with somebody?Where is your brain?

MAD:Brain went to toilet.

POLICE:Are you mad?

MAD:Yes,I am Mad.

2007-09-19 00:26:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area, Luckily, A local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He Hitched Buddy up to the Car and yelled "pull, Nellie, Pull!" Buddy Didn't move. Then Farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, Pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more Farmer Commanded "Pull, Coco, Pull!" again Nothing,
Then Farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, Pull!" And horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The Motorist was very curious, He Asked Farmer why he called his horse by wrong name three times. Farmer said, "Oh buddy is blind, and If he thought he was the only one pulling, He wouldn't even try"

2007-09-19 00:23:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have never asked a question on here before. Let's see how many answers you can all do and hit the top! :)

2007-09-19 00:15:30 · 20 answers · asked by Kerri 1

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying “Well, we’re not having any of that broke back mountain sh1t in our garden.”

2007-09-19 00:12:07 · 27 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Where does a pirate go after a hard day of pirating?To the baaahhhrrr!

What do pirate captains do with their old log books?They ARRRRRRRRRchive them!

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?The captain was standing on the deck!

Did you hear about the pirates who raided a ship and even stole the bath?They wanted to make a clean getaway!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A nervous wreck!

What do you call a pirate who poses for Playgirl?A Play-matey!

What kind of phone calls do pirates make late at night?Arrr, they be makin' BOOTY calls!

Why is pirating addictive?They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

What does a pirate and a pimp have in common?They both say YO HO!

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?Arrr! Me heartie!

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

2007-09-19 00:01:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

and asks for a Boost, a Twirl and a Topic. The shopkeeper says "you have wonderful eyes you know", spins round and says "George Bush: good or evil?"

2007-09-18 23:49:11 · 19 answers · asked by Lolly ™ 3

George Bush dies and goes to hell.
The devil is waiting for him and says "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you HAVE to stay". "I have 3 people who weren't as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, and you will take their place. YOU can decide who leaves."

In room one was Richard Nixon diving into a pool of water over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
George said. "Hell NO! I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. Tony Blair had a hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
George said "Hell No! I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony."

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bill Clinton was lying on the floor, arms staked over his head and his legs staked spread eagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush said "Hell Yes"





The devil smiled and said.... "MONICA, you're free to go!"

2007-09-18 23:39:00 · 43 answers · asked by gerryish 2

2007-09-18 23:32:10 · 20 answers · asked by majoti 5

1 is licking,
2nd is Sucking it and the
3rd is Biting it
which one is Married?

2007-09-18 23:31:34 · 19 answers · asked by aly 2

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
>She quietly called him over to her.
>'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
>Trembling, he did as she directed.
>'Now take off my boots.'
>He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
>'Now take off my socks.'
>He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
>'Now take off my skirt.'
>He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
>'Now take off my bra.'
>Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
>floor.
> Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
>
> (Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

2007-09-18 22:38:24 · 14 answers · asked by The Ghost of Scousertommy 2

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer from diarrhoea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la
papa).

2007-09-18 22:26:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Driving down a country lane and he hits a cow. She said "what's happened". He replied "I've hit a cow". Victoria said "you'd better check if it's ok." So he does but it's dead. She say's "you better go & tell the farmer" so off he goes. When he came back she said "you've been a long time".Well he said the "farmer thanked me & gave me a bottle of his best wine". "Oh" she says "and what's that on your face". "Lipstick" he replied "the farmers wife kissed me she was so grateful". Oh said Victoria "is that why you are smiling so much" No he said the "farmers daughter made love to me". Really said Victoria, "What exactly did you say to these people". "Well I told them I'm Posh Spices driver and I've just killed the cow" !!

2007-09-18 22:17:09 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ Beaver Diva Sue ♥ 7

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he
thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the home-owner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the
man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

2007-09-18 22:13:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little johnny walked upstairs.Upon hearing banging noises,he walks into his mum and dads bedroom to find them making love.Johnny's father turns to face his son and throws a pillow at him whilst laughing and tells him to "sod off"
Little Johnny leaves the room.Half an hour passes and Little Johnny's dad wanders along the hall to take a p and hears an almighty commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom.
Johnnys dad bursts through the door to find little Johnny bonking his nan....."what the hell do you think your doing"little Johnny's dad asks him........Little johnny replies "ahhhh not so f**kin funny when it's your mum is it"!

2007-09-18 21:55:11 · 15 answers · asked by snikleback 5

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch. The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?" The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty crazy sleepwalking. The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?" The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his pajamas around his ankles and his di*k in a jar of peanuts. The psychiatrist says, "I think I

know what your problem is. You're fu**ing nuts."

2007-09-18 19:57:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. How can you tell if your baby is an Italian?

A. He will only take his pacifier if the nipple has hair on it.

2007-09-18 19:48:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?

A. There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

2007-09-18 19:38:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her. She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"

2007-09-18 19:31:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess, I'll just kiss his ar$$e and let him go!

2007-09-18 17:35:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer. You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."

And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment. They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.

Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.

The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

She says, "Yes, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head".

2007-09-18 17:04:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://good-times.webshots.com/photo/2289469660101908272Uoghcf

10 pts to whoever I think is best. Thanks!

2007-09-18 16:59:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys.

The woman shakes her head "No"

"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

2007-09-18 16:54:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
Actually I'm a GP, and I think you need a psychiatrist.

Oh, I know that, but I saw your light was on.

Doctor, doctor, please help me, I feel really ugly, 
Just lie on the couch. Face down.

2007-09-18 16:29:33 · 11 answers · asked by frogg135 5

A carpenter was very depressed. One day, in his workshop, he took his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.

2007-09-18 16:25:20 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Justine and Melissa were walking across a bridge over a small country stream.
"I'm dying to have a pee" she said, "but there's no toilets."
"Don't worry" said Justin "just stick your arsse over the bridge and I'll hold onto your hands."
She pulled up her skirt and sat with her arsse over the edge.
"My God" she screamed "is there a man in a canoe down there!"
Justin peered over the edge. "No, that's just a reflection."

2007-09-18 15:42:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous