Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know
2007-09-13 01:29:53 · 22 answers · asked by GL 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Best laugh I have had in ages brilliant.
2007-09-13 01:41:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
lolz...dude i m not gonna try this at home anyway.... hahahahahaha ....Best laugh I have had in ages brilliant. ....LOL lol those were great. i gave u a star!! great laugh!!! lmao ******* funny ****!!...Liked the mouse trap one...
lol good ones :)!!! Those are hilarious...Thanks a bunch for making my day better! LMFAO!! thats really funny, Gotta do some cut'n'paste and email that to a few mates.! Brilliant - I needed a laugh, thank you ....pmsl!!!Phew! and look both way before crossing the road.
one of the best things ive ever read on here!!!
2007-09-15 12:34:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the most troublesome thing (or one of them is) is that I'm trying to stay away from my ex (in that way) and fast food. Trying to deal with both of these issues. :)
2016-04-04 18:36:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Liked the mouse trap on
2007-09-13 03:45:26 · answer #4 · answered by BRIAN M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LMFAO!! thats really funny, Gotta do some cut'n'paste and email that to a few mates.! ( I'll tell them it was you that wrote it though, y'know, cover my back on the whole copyright issue.)
2007-09-13 05:17:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Phew! and look both way before crossing the road.
2007-09-15 07:30:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Brilliant - I needed a laugh, thank you
2007-09-13 06:01:46 · answer #7 · answered by Debi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Super, all of them -- los(lots of stars)
Btw , would like some more hints -- when are you coming out on parole ?
2007-09-16 23:28:08 · answer #8 · answered by yjnt 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Those are hilarious...Thanks a bunch for making my day better!
2007-09-13 04:45:01 · answer #9 · answered by woundedblackroses 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
lmao ******* funny ****!!...
you should read my blogs at
hes been guzzling the formaldehyde again.. blog...
2007-09-13 03:16:20 · answer #10 · answered by mrkknntt 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋