Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass bell and a big hammer

"What's with that big brass bell?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a bell. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. "
A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the hammer, gave the bell an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.





Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a***ole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

2007-09-11 18:30:40 · 12 answers · asked by PC 7

Upside down

An old man and woman were married for many years,
Even though they loved each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and
Yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave
And come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,
Because of the many strange occurrences
That took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.


After the burial,Her neighbors, concerned for her safety,
asked,"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to
Dig his way up and out of the grave and come back
To haunt you for the rest of your life?"

"Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"

2007-09-11 18:29:53 · 17 answers · asked by Sparkles 7

So Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates.
St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you Luciano, come on in. squeeze through'.
Pavarotti says 'hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the Pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it:




'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

2007-09-11 18:22:58 · 5 answers · asked by PC 7

They will try and rubbish everything you say anyway - looking for freebies - give aways - that sort of thing - they think everything i say is a load of rubbish anyway !? they have gone away now - that makes me think more clearly because they try to bend your mind a little - clever tricks brigade - squirrel is what i say who needs them anyway ? did i hear someone i do ?!

2007-09-11 17:28:27 · 4 answers · asked by Sebastian Flight 2

The Wal-Mart Greeter
>
> A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into
> Wal-Mart with her
> Two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way
> through the entrance.
>
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they
Ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6.
Why the hell would
You think they are twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter.

"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

2007-09-11 17:19:16 · 24 answers · asked by bert 2

Did you know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to lick your own elbow






















































































































1/2 of people who read this try ;-P

2007-09-11 16:28:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the hispanic say to his coworker after he discovered an extra 1000 dollars on his paycheck?


"Bonus dias"

2007-09-11 16:26:31 · 12 answers · asked by quillologist 5

2007-09-11 16:11:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is the kind of logic puzzle that involves knowledge of data-compression techniques, or at least an ability to make a reasonable speculation as to how data compression works. I can give you enough of a hint to get you started if you know absolutely nothing about data compression, but it's not going to be nearly enough to be much use in actually explaining the answer to the question. One form of data compression:

Take a string of text 6 characters long - say, "camera", for instance. Each two-letter combination can be assigned a certain value (determined before-hand and including all possible character combinations). Suppose "ca" = a, "me" = b and "ra" = c. So "camera" compresses initially as "abc".

Why can't this be done on "abc" to make it a two-letter combination, which could then be made into a one-letter combination?

A little bit of lateral logic would go a long way, here. :-)

2007-09-11 15:45:46 · 7 answers · asked by uncleclover 5

What is the end of space, the end of time, and the beginning of eternity?

2007-09-11 15:40:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-11 15:17:59 · 9 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

Whats red-headed? probably snorting an 8ball as we speak? spoiled rotten? and complete trash?

thats correct- lindsey lohan

2007-09-11 14:48:53 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. X 1

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would org*sm during s*x. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.
The doc told him that m*sturbating before s*x often helped men last
longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do
it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to m*sturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to org*sm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

2007-09-11 14:40:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You guess

2007-09-11 14:03:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

name. While visiting Jamaica the guy was in the men's room and noticed a WY tattooed on another guys penis. He asked if he also had a girl friend named Wendy. The other guy asked why he would think that and he pointed to the WY. "Oh, no, mon. My tattoo say Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

2007-09-11 13:18:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jamaican Sex Shoes

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.

So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet Mon! You got dem on da wrong feet!"...

2007-09-11 12:50:59 · 14 answers · asked by LORD RUMBOY 6

Two guys are out playing golf and one of them, Bill, asks his pal if he has a pen.

"Sure, there's one in my golf bag." and he extracts this foot long BIC ballpoint.

"That's some size of pen, Tommy!" says Bill, "where'd you get it?"

"Oh," says Tommy, "I got it from my genie."

"You've got a genie?!?" Bill says, astonished.

"Sure, he's in the golf bag, go see."

So Bill looks in the golf bag and there indeed is this tiny genie sitting in there all cross-legged and stuff.

"Hey!" Bill says excitedly, "Wow! Could you grant me a wish?"

"A friend of my master may have a wish!" responds the genie.

So Bill wishes for a million bucks. The genie claps his hands and POOF! suddenly the air is filled with quacking, feathers and a million ducks all over the golf course.

"Hmm," says Tommy, "Maybe I should have told you he is hard of hearing - do you really think I wished for a twelve inch BIC?"

2007-09-11 12:26:53 · 25 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

400 soldiers went to battle when they came back the general lined them up.
if by row of 3 theres 1 extra
if by row of 4 theres 1 extra
if by row of 5 theres 1 extra
if by row of 6 theres 1 extra
of 7 BINGO! no extra
HOW MANY SOLDIERS SURVIVED???????

2007-09-11 12:23:02 · 4 answers · asked by ryan d 1

At one time or another they've all licked out Bowls.

2007-09-11 12:21:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

StAr If YoU LiKe It!

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your a**?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

2007-09-11 12:19:47 · 14 answers · asked by viola_angel101 4

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards?

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard....Violators Will Be Toad."

2007-09-11 12:11:45 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

1. Very big strikers (Pop group)
2. Back and breast (Pop group)
3. Depressed Everton fans (Pop group)
4. The French Seret (Film)
5. Small golf club (Film star)
6. Cat flight (Film star)

2007-09-11 11:53:34 · 5 answers · asked by scottriddex 1

Jane, little Johnny's sister is in year 8 in school and has just started her periods.She is not feeling too good and explains things to her form teacher. Her teacher says " Your brother Johnny is in year 7 isn't he? I'll get him to walk you home."
She explains to Johnny that Jane has to go home but that he must return to school straight away. Johnny is feeling hard done by.
"Why are you allowed to stay at home and I'm not??"
"Well, you see, Johnny, I'm ill."
"Ill?? you don't look ill to me, you're telling porkies."
"Yes, really, I'm bleeding."
"Bleeding??.. I can't see any blood..where are you bleeding?"
Jane offers to show him if he shuts up and doesn't tell anyone.
They go into a field and she shows him.
"BLOODY HELL...no wonder you're bleeding...someone's cut your c0ck off!"

2007-09-11 11:50:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

He won first prize for best dried arrangement! I know, I know, ewwwwwwwwwww.

2007-09-11 11:42:51 · 5 answers · asked by seadog 5

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

2007-09-11 11:36:42 · 6 answers · asked by gub gub 2

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs

2007-09-11 11:32:34 · 11 answers · asked by gub gub 2

Wonderful Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.
Man: "Hello?" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the
club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it okay if I buy it,
sweetie?"
Man: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much. I want
you to be happy."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one that I really
liked. It's a beautiful silver."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "£60,000"
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman:"Great! Oh, and just one more thing... the house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer
£895,000."
Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful!
I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

2007-09-11 11:22:53 · 14 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

She couldn't sleep with her thighs closed!

2007-09-11 10:59:30 · 4 answers · asked by seadog 5

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke...

"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross" And the other one is "cool". Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks, "So, what are they?"

2007-09-11 09:56:51 · 11 answers · asked by dawnnkev t 2

one always tells the truth, one always lies.
man 1 says "one of us is lying"
man 2 says "heres a clue: its not me."

who is the lier?!

2007-09-11 09:42:02 · 13 answers · asked by debs7405 4