Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and sits down at the bar.

The monkey jumps down off the guy's shoulder and runs down to the end of the bar, hops on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and eats it.

The bar tender exclaims, "hey, I need that cue ball for the table, what the hell man?"

The owner off the monkey says, "Here's What I'll do, when the monkey passes it, I'll clean it up and bring it back to you."

The bartender says, "Fine".

The next day, the guy with the monkey returns. He walks in and tosses the cue ball to the bartender. Again the guy sits down at the bar and again the monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs down to the end of the bar, this time to a bowl of peanuts.

The monkey grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it. To which the bartender asks, "What the hell is that monkey doing now?"

The guy reply’s "Well after that cue ball incident, he sizes everything!"

2007-09-11 09:38:26 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

" The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

2007-09-11 09:21:46 · 24 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There was once a Truck Driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in Yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck.

"Hi, can I help you?" Said the Truck Driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Bastard of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!" Blurted out the yellow-dressed man.

"Geez, alright, relax." Said the Truck Driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way.

A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in Red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck.

"Hi, can I help you sir?" Said the Truck Driver." Yes, I am the Red Bastard of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now!!!" Screamed the Red-Dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax." Said the Truck Driver. "I'll see what I can do."

He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.

Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue.

"Oh great! Not another one of these idiots." Said the Truck Driver to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck."

But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistant. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!"

The Truck Driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man. He was pissed off.

"Let me guess. You're the Blue Bastard of the road, and what the **** do you want??!?! He screamed angrily.

"Your license and registration please."

2007-09-11 08:48:09 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

Definition of a will: A dead give away.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

2007-09-11 08:37:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

I’m a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I’m working.

Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil

I just thought of something funny…your mother.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Whenever I see an old lady slips and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.

But then I think what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.

Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule,

And on every side of a fool

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.

Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown.

One lion said to the other…

“Does this taste funny to you?”

2007-09-11 08:34:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon…smart too late.

Live your life and forget your age.

Age considers; youth ventures.

Age is an ugly thing, and it goes on getting worse.

Few people know how to be old.

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

When our memories outweigh our dreams, we have grown old.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

To me old age is 15 years older than I am.

At my age flowers scare me.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.

You know you’re getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

2007-09-11 08:32:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

they took it out too late.

2007-09-11 08:07:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

''I should be in charge'' said the blood, ''because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.''

''I should be in charge,'' said the stomach, ''because I process food and give all of you energy.''

''I should be in charge'' said the legs, ''because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.''

''I should be in charge'' said the eyes, ''because I allow the body to see where it goes.''

''I should be in charge, ''said the rectum, ''Because I'm responsible for waste removal.''

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS....

In all walks of life it is usually the ''Asshole'' that's in charge!!!

2007-09-11 08:03:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put your left leg out'' now put your right leg in,.
and I said;.
Shake it all about' do the hokey pokey, and you turn around.
that's what all about------------Oh hokey pokey.

2007-09-11 07:16:50 · 24 answers · asked by denis9705 5

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

2007-09-11 06:52:40 · 21 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

tired. He laid down beside the rail w/ his tail laying over the top. Along comes a train (keep in mind that he's deaf & cannot hear it coming). Well, the 1st set of wheels nips off the end of his tail, & his reaction, of course, is to quickly look at what happened to his tail. Well, the next set of wheels shears off his head ... The moral of the story is don't lose your head over a little piece of tail!

2007-09-11 06:33:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in

2007-09-11 06:27:43 · 19 answers · asked by mog 1

2007-09-11 05:59:58 · 8 answers · asked by duncan m 1

please watch this link
i thought it was funny anyway
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIIRmIQVXrE

2007-09-11 04:41:06 · 41 answers · asked by joe k 3

I mean if there is something really funny (and I mean ultra funny) how can you hide it away, ecspecially if you are laughing at a particular person in front of you.

I am a person tht laughs alot when it comes to silly situations, making me feeling bad for the person i'm laughing at later on.

2007-09-11 04:30:57 · 11 answers · asked by DM 2

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy, then he would send me home. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My blond co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What the h*ll are you doing?" I told him I was a lightbulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out! Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my blond co-worker followed me, the boss asked her, "And where do you think you are going?" She replied, "I'm going home too! I can't work in the dark!"

2007-09-11 04:12:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the road?
> >
> >
> > SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
> > The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete
> >fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
> >
> > GEORGE W BUSH
> > We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
> >want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
> >chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
> >
> > COLIN POWELL
> > Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
> >satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
> >
> > TONY BLAIR
> > I agree with George.
> >
> > HANS BLIX
> > We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
> >have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
> >
> > DR SEUSS
> > Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
> >toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
> >been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
> > I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
> >cross roads without having their motives called into question.
> >
> > GRANDPA
> > In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
> >road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
> >enough.
> >
> > TRISHA
> > Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
> >listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming
> >story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to
> >accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
> >
> > JOHN LENNON
> > Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
> >together - in peace.
> >
> > ARISTOTLE
> > It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> >
> > KARL MARX
> > It was an historic inevitability.
> >
> > RONALD REAGAN
> > What chicken?
> >
> > SIGMUND FREUD
> > The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
> >crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.
> >
> > BILL GATES
> > eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay
> >eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and
> >internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
> >
> > ALBERT EINSTEIN
> > Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
> >move beneath the chicken?
> >
> > BILL CLINTON
> > What is your definition of chicken?
> >
> > THE BIBLE
> > And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the
> >chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road,
> >and there was rejoicing.
> >
> > COLONEL SANDERS
> > Did I miss one?
> >
> > HOMER SIMPSON
> > Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
> >

2007-09-11 04:06:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-11 03:49:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-11 03:46:13 · 9 answers · asked by Lee R 1

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core por nographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The A nal Se x and Fetish Perversion Company.'

2007-09-11 02:18:28 · 13 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help!" she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?!?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he comeand help."

"The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?" she gasped in pain.

"Hey ! I told you not to worry," he said, as he practiced stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

2007-09-11 02:12:10 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

there's a room with nothing but a door, a hanged man and water under the hanged man. how did the man hanged himself and lead him to death?

2007-09-11 02:05:26 · 8 answers · asked by rikku069 3

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyonethere is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his constant boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'

'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.


'So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you!


Come on in, have a beer! Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says. 'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .'

And off they go.

2007-09-11 01:44:36 · 71 answers · asked by Jim 7

emm..

I need a saying about reading...

best saying gets 10 points..

thanks in advance.. :)

2007-09-11 01:39:19 · 5 answers · asked by Denise M 3

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple
was involved in a fatal car accident.The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could
get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and
he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer..... For a
couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married, SHOULD
they get married, what with the eternal Aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven
together FOREVER?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed
the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just what if things don't work out

2007-09-10 23:36:19 · 9 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

2007-09-10 23:36:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-09-10 23:17:26 · 8 answers · asked by william v 5

The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top ten:

Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
Viagra, Like a rock!
Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
Viagra, Be all that you can be.
Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
This is your penis… This is your penis on drugs…

2007-09-10 23:11:08 · 2 answers · asked by william v 5

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

2007-09-10 22:52:13 · 8 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish
Viagra". >It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus
and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and
the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
,Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm
sittin' here,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

2007-09-10 22:27:25 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2