Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

2007-09-10 07:18:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

2007-09-10 07:15:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

2007-09-10 07:14:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."

2007-09-10 07:10:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."

2007-09-10 07:05:19 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
''Nurse..'' he mumbles from behind the mask 'Are my testicals black?',
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, ''I don't know Mr Brown, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.''
He struggles again to ask, ''Nurse, Are my testicals black?''
Again the nurse replies, ''I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.''
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
''Nurse,'' he mumbled, ''Are my testicales black?''
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, ''Nothing wrong with your testicles!'' The man pulled off his mask and asked again,
''I SAID!!:Are my test results back???''

2007-09-10 07:03:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

2007-09-10 06:36:36 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The *****!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here

2007-09-10 05:37:42 · 11 answers · asked by yatzky 2

2007-09-10 05:32:07 · 3 answers · asked by Evidence R 1

Ok check it! Come up with an alternate ending to Nursery Rhymes.
Jack and Jill
Jack Be Nimble
Humpdey Dumpdy
Three blind Mice
Hickory Dickory Dock
and...........
Baa! Baa! Black Sheep!
Have fun with that!

2007-09-10 05:29:21 · 5 answers · asked by Randall 3

Elephant at the Zoo

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

His mother replies "That's his trunk".

The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

2007-09-10 05:19:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason Why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

2007-09-10 05:03:04 · 11 answers · asked by Sara *Life is so unlike theory* 5

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Life is Good!

2007-09-10 04:59:27 · 6 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

PLEASE INCLUDE THE ENTIRE SENTENCE IN YOUR ANSWERS. THANK YOU.

1. If you _____ just ONE more time, I'll _______.
2. The disgruntled employee looked at his boss and said,____
3. My big secret is _______
4. If you go away I will probably _______
5. I believe that God is ________

2007-09-10 04:40:43 · 10 answers · asked by I am Sunshine 6

She came to me last month, and said 'We need to cut down our expenses, you're spending £100 a week on vodka and its got to stop, we can't afford it and its no good for you!'
So I have, not a drop since, as that what she wants.
Anyway, I was getting something out of her handbag yesterday and on top was a receipt for cosmetics for nearly £90.
I said to her ' Oi, what's this!, I thought we were supposed to be cutting down our expenses!'
She said 'Thats different, thats so I can make myself look beautiful for you.
I said ' Thats what the bloody vodka was for!'

2007-09-10 04:27:58 · 44 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

A) India B) Bhutan

C) Nepal D) Kenya

2007-09-10 03:29:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fresh from her shower, my wife stood in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts were too small. Instead of telling her "that's not so" like I usually do, I offered a suggestion instead.

I told her "If you want your breasts to grow, every day you should take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few second."

She was willing to try anything and immediately grabbed a piece of toilet paper and did as I suggested. "How long will it take?", she asked. I told her that they grow larger over a period of years. She immediately stopped rubbing the toilet paper between her breasts and asked, "Do you really think rubbing toilet paper on my breasts every day will make them bigger over a period of years?" That's when I made my mistake by replying, "Why not, it worked for your butt didn't it?"

I get out of the hospital next week but will be eating meals through a straw for a while. After the therapy, they say I may even walk again.

2007-09-10 02:48:10 · 3 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

a man with his son are driving in their new automobile when they get into a motor vehicle accident. the man is killed and the boy is taken to the nearest hospital where he will need reconstructive plastic surgery. the surgeon looks at the boy and says "i can't operate him...he is my son." How is this possible?

2007-09-10 02:40:39 · 13 answers · asked by . 2

2007-09-10 02:37:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter.
The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Steffi?"
Steffi says, "Yeah. What's it called, Susie?"
Susie says, "Viens a moi."
Steffi says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"
Susie takes another sniff and says, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?"

2007-09-10 02:20:46 · 16 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant .Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

2007-09-10 02:14:05 · 6 answers · asked by nothing 5

While exploring the wilds of Canada, Wild Man Dave was captured by hostile wood fairies. Brad, the powerful chief of the fairies told him he could make one final statement which would determine how he would die. If the statement he made was false, he would be boiled in water. If the statement were true, he would be fried in oil. Wild Man Dave found neither of this options too his liking, so he made a statement that got him out of this seemingly impossible situation. What is the one statement he could have made?

2007-09-10 02:10:36 · 8 answers · asked by woodylbroome 1

2007-09-10 01:58:57 · 5 answers · asked by Italian Man Man Man 2

English Phrase / Chinese Translation

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

2007-09-10 01:14:57 · 18 answers · asked by HomerJay 2

2007-09-10 00:19:42 · 5 answers · asked by dian l 1

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - ALIVE.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --

2007-09-10 00:10:55 · 9 answers · asked by Schumi 5

I saw my friend Simon the other day, I haven't seen him for a while and unfortunatly he'd been in a car accident with his Uncle.
His Uncle sadly died and Simon lost both his legs, but the family had given permission for Simon to recieve his Uncle's legs.
So, the doctors cut off his Uncle's legs and sewed them onto Simon, he can't use them because of the loss of blood flow, but he's happy with them.
He's in a wheelchair but he's doing really well now, he was even telling me that he was going to appear on Stars In Your Eyes as "Simon and Half-Uncle"!

2007-09-09 23:25:33 · 12 answers · asked by Kirk_84 4

mary mary quite contrary how does your garden grow. I live in a flat u stupid t**t so how the f**k wud i know.

2007-09-09 23:19:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter,the official said, "Go ahead, father, next!

2007-09-09 22:06:10 · 4 answers · asked by all are best answers 2

1]DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
2]Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps
on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

2007-09-09 22:00:42 · 7 answers · asked by all are best answers 2