Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

2007-09-09 21:50:48 · 26 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

2007-09-09 21:49:42 · 16 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

They're thinking of calling it a:........ B u l l s h 1 t .

2007-09-09 21:34:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to maintain your sanity.

> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
> a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
> with that.
>
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
>
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
> Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
>
> 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling
> Diamonds'.
>
> 7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
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> 8. Don t use any punctuation.
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> 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
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> 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat...use a serious face.
>
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
>
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
>
> 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
>
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
> Sounds All Day.
>
> 15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
> Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
>
> 16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
> Bottom.
>
> 17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
>
> 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
> Yelling, 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
>
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going
> To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

2007-09-09 20:44:17 · 14 answers · asked by Jared G 5

If you lay em right the first time you can walk on them forever!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-09 17:46:46 · 21 answers · asked by ? 2

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!! ...

2007-09-09 16:45:50 · 19 answers · asked by Patty M 5

Once a girl on a boat walked up to her friend and says," I figured out why life savers are called life savers, because they look like the floating thing". Then the boy says "Duh, what did u think they were for". "I thought they were called that because if you were to choke on them you could breathe through the hole."

2007-09-09 16:42:42 · 7 answers · asked by Patty M 5

Looking For A Man
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP

2. WON'T RUN AWAY

3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

2007-09-09 16:41:07 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

2007-09-09 15:07:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay why is it when theres a storm cloud in the sky and theres all that rain snow sleet whatever in there and a plane helicopter whatever flys through the cloud hwy does it not start to rain and i don't want a technical awnser unless thats all you have but if you give me one then try and explain to me cause that is really really scary

2007-09-09 15:00:14 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone said this to me in the pub "Is your name gillette?.. cos your the best a man can get"

2007-09-09 14:00:12 · 18 answers · asked by Blue eyed girl 2

i see this phrase alot, on shirts.. on myspace.. etc, but what does it actually mean??

2007-09-09 13:45:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What order are they sitting in?

1. Clyde is the same distance from Alvin that Alvin is from Benny.
2. Ed is seated between Donald and Alvin.
3. Benny is sitting next to Ed.
4. Ed is not seated between Benny and Donald.

I've tried to figure this one out but i just can't get it! Any help?

2007-09-09 13:40:43 · 6 answers · asked by candymeerkat 2

where someone refers to a poem that starts:
"There once was a man from Nantucket..."
Does anyone know the rest of this poem?
.

2007-09-09 12:42:09 · 4 answers · asked by Wise@ss 4

2007-09-09 12:35:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-09 11:31:36 · 11 answers · asked by <Diamonds> 2

> I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
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> The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

2007-09-09 11:16:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is known by both masculine and feminine names,
and lightens up (or burns up) without rain,
originates from a man and goes into a man,
but no one has been able to guess what it is.

2007-09-09 10:50:40 · 10 answers · asked by Paul 2

A fireman came home from the fire station one day bragging to his wife that they got a new system at work... he went on to describe it as follows.
When the first bell rings, we put on our hats.
when the second bell rings, we slide down the pole,
when the third bell rings we go put out the fire.

He went on to say that he wanted to try it at home. he said.
when i say bell one, take off all your clothes
when i say bell two, you jump in bed.
when i say bell three. we make love all night long.

The next day he comes in and yells

BELL ONE! she jerked off her clothes.
BELL TWO.. she jumped in bed.
BELL THREE... he jumped in bed and they went at it.

about 2 minutes later his wife leans up and yells
BELL FOUR!

The husband stops and says WHATS BELL FOUR?

Without missing a beat, the wife raises up and says

QUICK, I NEED MORE HOSE, YOUR NO WHERE NEAR THE FIRE!

thanks guys.

Give me a star if you like :D If you have any good jokes. leave em for 10 pts

2007-09-09 09:53:53 · 8 answers · asked by William 3

was in a cafe the other day and i asked for a brown roll filled with ham, cheese and lettuce , to which the woman who was serving me replied: "sorry we have no brown rolls left im afraid"

lol :P

2007-09-09 09:39:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

2007-09-09 09:32:29 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

"We only have this one" says the shopkeeper. His last home was a brothel so he can be a bit dispespectful to the ladies, he sees every woman as being loose because of the surroundings he has been used to." The woman bought him anyway. He sat on his perch in the hall and chattered away to himself. The woman went out, when she returned the parrot said "hello madam. Are you the new madam? You gonna whip anyone tonight?" The woman was a bit stunned but ignored him. When her 3 daughters got home the parrot said "new tarts. Are you 3 the new tarts? I like you. Do you charge much?" The girls were horrified. Later on the husband got in from work. The parrot said "oh, hello Keith."

2007-09-09 09:28:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing.

Her husband walks into the Bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says,

"You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old a*se?"

"Your name never came up, " she replied.

2007-09-09 09:15:39 · 26 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Starting last year, Grandpa Leroy Johnson started receiving a $500.00 check in the mail every month and naturally, he just cashed them.

He thought nothing about it, but as it turned out an insurance company had made a mistake with the address and sent them to the wrong location.

The checks were actually intended for another Leroy Johnson, and so, as one might expect, Grandpa received notice to pay back the $6,000.00.

Seriously upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant, about the notice.

His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa said, "Nope, I jist figgered the Democrats wuz back in office."

2007-09-09 08:48:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Hi, is this pew taken?

9. My prayers are answered.

8. What's a charismatic like you, doing in a mainline place like this?

7. How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?

6. Hi, angel!

5. Don't worry, I'm attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.

4. I'm Episcopalian. What's YOUR sign?

3. I think you're sitting on my Bible.

2. Read any good Bible passages lately?

1. So, Do you worship here often?

2007-09-09 08:45:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

2007-09-09 08:42:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine.

Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button.

Out came a Mello Yello.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

2007-09-09 08:38:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run man run , r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run man , r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run man, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

2007-09-09 08:20:11 · 10 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.

A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her. He said, "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"

She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

2007-09-09 08:03:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The shepherd's delighted - whats the sky like near you now

2007-09-09 08:03:16 · 20 answers · asked by gaviscon 4