Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of ****, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it's strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is How **** Happens.

2007-09-09 07:46:31 · 10 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

2007-09-09 07:39:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

" Yesterday Meals on Wheels " --- ewwww, gross, huh?!!

2007-09-09 07:07:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win the nationals easily .

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go? "

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

2007-09-09 06:24:39 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-09-09 05:25:16 · 25 answers · asked by hello world 7

I don't find them offending because I know they aren't true.
BLONDE JOKES:

-Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-09-09 03:43:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pickalily - Florist
Selly Sausage - Cafe in the area of Selly Oak.
Are in my locality.

2007-09-09 03:33:57 · 15 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

THEY HAVE JUST BOUGHT THE HEARSE FOR PAVAROTTI'S FUNERAL

ITS A NISSAN DORMA

2007-09-09 02:29:31 · 18 answers · asked by Raine 5

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.

The policeman said, “What is your name?”
“Shut up!”
The policeman replied, “Are you looking for trouble?”
“Yes!”
The policeman fumed, “Where are your manners?”
“In the toilet.”

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and “Americanize” their names.
Bu, called himself “Buck”
Chu called himself “Chuck”
Fu decided to return to China.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,”
said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of
roles?”

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines.”

2007-09-09 01:57:15 · 30 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman
Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive
microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep
warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been
suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern
Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's
earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front
of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way
he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where
winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can
heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat
food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly
brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he
positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker
had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that
night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance
calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman,
John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast
he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported
to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded

2007-09-09 01:42:29 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

a murder occured, cops knew only the killers name which is
"Chris"..now the cops in 30 mins break into a room where there are 4 persons sitting and playing cards one is a truck driver, second a plumber and third a crane operator and one is chris, the cops break the door ...handcuff chris and take him along..now question

How did the cops identify chris???????????

2007-09-09 00:58:40 · 14 answers · asked by Vinod 2

The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Nemesis noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

The manager did not understand Nemesis's remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Phil, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

Nemesis, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

2007-09-08 23:41:32 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men are like animals - messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets.

Men are like bank accounts - without a lot of money and they don't generate much interest.

Men are like bike helmets - handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Men are like blenders - you need one, but you're never quite sure why.

Men are like high heels - they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like horoscopes - they always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like lawnmowers - hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half of the time they don't work.

Men are like mascara - they usually run at the first sigh of emotion.

Men are like miniskirts - If you're not careful, they'll creep up you leg.

As you can see I can have a laugh, so I hope you all do, it's not a sexist thing.

2007-09-08 23:40:12 · 17 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.

A penny saved is worthless.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Given a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How terrible a movie is, is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Nobody is normal.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One-seventh of our life is spent on Monday.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Success always occurs in private and failure in public

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

The careful application of terror can also be a form of communication.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

What a nice night for an evening.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason we observe Daylight Saving Time.

Your friends love you anyway.

The one thing that unites all humans, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: "The universe is even bigger than they thought!" "There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!" " Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong."

The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dipshit. And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

2007-09-08 23:34:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,















the FLU

2007-09-08 23:32:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

22 Things To Never Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

2007-09-08 23:10:22 · 21 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

2007-09-08 22:31:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

its real http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/wec.sh...

2007-09-08 21:29:12 · 3 answers · asked by bert 2

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator





1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.


2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.


3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"


4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.


5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.


6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.


7. Shave.


8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"


9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.


10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.




11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.


12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"


13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.


14. One word: Flatulence!


15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.


16. Do Tai Chi exercises.


17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"


18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"


19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.


20. Meow occassionally.


21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.


22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"


23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.


24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.


25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.


26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.


27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.


28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"


29. Leave a box between the doors.


30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

2007-09-08 20:58:21 · 13 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Pick-up lines and rebuttals





1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."


2. Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."


3. Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


4. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


5. Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."


6. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."


7. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


8. Man: "So what do you do for a living ?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."


9. Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)


10. Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."




11. Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop"


12. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"


13. Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah!!! Let's pick up some chicks!"


14. Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"


15. Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."


16. Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."


17. Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."


18. Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."


19. Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


20. Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"


21. Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."


22. Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


23. Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."


24. Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

2007-09-08 20:56:57 · 17 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Laws for Women to Live by





1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.


2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.


3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
up there.


4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.


5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.


6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
can tell them apart.


7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.


8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.


9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.


10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.




11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.


12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.


13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.


14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.


15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

2007-09-08 20:55:29 · 9 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

If Men Got Pregnant...





1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.


2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.


3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.


4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.


5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.


6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.


7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.


8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.


9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.


10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.




11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.


12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.


13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.


14. Women would rule the world.

2007-09-08 20:52:29 · 39 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck named Bubba on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

Bubba jumped up and yelled, "Don't you touch me...I'm drawin' disability!!!"

2007-09-08 20:25:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Black guy in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the rich dude said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."

The words were barely out of the rich dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Leroy and the gator were screaming. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the bottom like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the rich guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy.

The rich dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The rich dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

The Black man said, "No."

The confused rich guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the man who pushed me in the pool!"

2007-09-08 20:18:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer .

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

2007-09-08 20:14:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

2007-09-08 20:13:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just a joke- Who invented the Vacuum Cleaner?

2007-09-08 19:57:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boom!!

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I didn't want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

2007-09-08 19:29:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

2007-09-08 19:21:18 · 3 answers · asked by yatzky 2

Can someone answer me that question...
Thanx!

2007-09-08 19:12:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous