Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

getting cancer?

2007-09-10 12:16:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Well, how about that, plus six weeks vacation, full medical and dental, a company credit card, and a company car – say a Porsche?”
“Wow, are you kidding?” asked the graduate.
The interviewer said, “Certainly. But you started it.”

2007-09-10 11:59:19 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

2007-09-10 11:53:30 · 6 answers · asked by delia 4

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

2007-09-10 11:52:06 · 14 answers · asked by delia 4

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.
...........................................................................................................

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

...........................................................................................................

pinnochios g/friend sat on his face and said"lie you b******"

2007-09-10 11:43:45 · 13 answers · asked by puma 4

lying in bed watcing the stars
and wondering wheres my roof.

2007-09-10 11:33:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One there, there was a swimming competition of three young men.They weren't ordinary men, they each had members missing on thier bodies.The first one was missing one arm. The second one was missing one arm and one leg.The third one was missing both of his arms and both of his legs.So the referee yells out,: "Alright everybody get ready!3-2-1 GO!", and they all jump in the water.The first two slowly but surely advanced while the third one just sank to the bottom of the pool.After a while, the first two got to the finish line and the lifeguards quickly jumped in the pool and save the third man who was still at the same place, at the bottom of the pool.As soon as they get him out he yells out,: "God Damn It!After all these years of training...After all the dedication and perseveration I had...After all the time wasted to convince my friends and family that I can make...Why the hell did my ears had to fall asleep today!!!!"

2007-09-10 11:26:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, there was a toad jumpin around the forest.He was extremely horny that day and wanted to find a parner that would satisfy him.He leaped around the forest, until he found a horse.He told the horse,: "Hey horsey, why dont you come over here and show me why you guys are so famous.", and the horse replies,: "Eat sh*t!", and the toad leaps away.He then finds a lion and tells him,: "Hey lion, how about having some wild, and I mean WILD hot sex you beast!" , and the lion sais,: "God hell no!", and the lion hits hima and the toad leaps away.Then he finds a cobra and sais,: "Hey cobra, I love the way your long and wiggle around like that, how bout we have some sex because I want it sooooo bad!", and "FLAWP" the cobra puts the toad whole in his mouth.But before masticating, the cobra stars thinkin to himself,: "Poor little toad, all he wanted to do is have sex with me...", so he spit him out and the toad yells out,: "GOD DAMN THAT WAS THE CRAZIEST BL*WJ*B IVE EVER HAD!"

2007-09-10 11:09:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

2007-09-10 10:46:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why Cgocolate is better than sex
You can actually get chocolate.
“If you love me, you’ll swallow it” has real meaning.
It’s satisfying even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have it while driving.
You can make it last as long as you want it to.
You can have it even in front of your mother.
Even if you bite the nuts hard, it doesn’t mind.
Two people of the same sex can have it without being called names.
It’s not scared of the word “commitment.”
You can have it on your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for it and not get your face slapped.
It doesn’t leave hairs in your mouth.
You never have to fake it.
It won’t make you pregnant.
You can have it at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of it as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old.
Even really good chocolate never wakes your neighbors.
Size doesn’t matter; any size is good

2007-09-10 10:31:24 · 22 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk”. The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes”, motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” Asked the officer.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes”.
“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes”.
“What else?” The monkey motioned “Screwing”. “They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes”. “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?”
“Yes”.
“What were you doing?"

2007-09-10 10:23:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

what does the fat people have in their stomach???

2007-09-10 10:14:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is one in each minute two in each moment and one in every million years. What is it?

2007-09-10 10:06:53 · 10 answers · asked by BamBam11 2

have you heard what the three tenors are calling themselves now that Pavorotti has passed on?




twenty quid

2007-09-10 10:02:11 · 15 answers · asked by leigh 2

One day, a priest spotted a young man masterbating in an alley. 'My son, you shouldn't be doing that,' said the priest. 'You should be saving that for when you get married.'
Ten years on, the priest was walking down the street when a stranger approached him. 'You probably don't remember me,' said the man, 'but ten years ago you caught me masterbating down an alley, and you gave me a piece of advice.'
'Really?' said the priest. 'What did i advise?'
'You told me to save it for when i got married.'
'Yes, that sounds like the sort of advice i would give. And you followed it?'
'Indeed i have, Father. But there's just one problem.'
'Oh, what is that?'
'I've got a 45 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that i'm getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?'

2007-09-10 10:02:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde Cookbook
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

2007-09-10 09:43:14 · 11 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “this is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “dammit Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought,

2007-09-10 09:39:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

''Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your're single anyway.''

''Just let it go...''

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:

''Dave, you're a vet...''





See you all tomorrow with some more fun...night all...Toe.

2007-09-10 09:10:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pinocchio complains to his father saying “whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.” His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his willy down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, “How are the girls?” Pinocchio replies “Girls? Who needs girls?”

2007-09-10 08:56:54 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

~~~~~~~~~~

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".

~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

~~~~~~~~~~

2007-09-10 08:43:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The McCann`s taking them on holiday

2007-09-10 08:42:44 · 14 answers · asked by Stooky 4

lol ;)

2007-09-10 08:39:09 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ''What are these, Dad?''
The man matter-of-factly replies,''Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''
Happy with the answer, he looks over the display and picks up a pack of three and asks,''Why are there 3 in this pack.''
The dad replies, ''Those are for high-school boys. 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday.''
''Cool!'' says the boy.
He notices a pack of 6 and asks ''Then who are these for?''
''Those are for college men,''the dad answers, ''2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday.''
''Wow!'' exclaimed the boy.
''Then who uses these ?'' he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, ''Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, etc,.''

2007-09-10 08:37:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

“Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah, please.”

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts again “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “Over here… on your porch swing.”

2007-09-10 08:36:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blokes were sitting in a bar when the conversation turned to their wives and how stupid they were.
Each one claimed to have the dumbest wife of all and to settle the argument, they gave an example of their wife's behaviour:
The first one said ''My wife went out and bought a DVD player, and we haven't even got a television set!''
The secound one said ''That's nothing, my wife won some money at bingo and spent the bloody lot on a car and niether of us can drive!''
''Well'' said the third man, ''My wife booked a holiday to Italy for herself and her sister. Then she went and bought 100 condoms, and she hasn't even got anything to put them on !!!''

2007-09-10 07:54:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

2007-09-10 07:51:45 · 7 answers · asked by puma 4

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
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A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

2007-09-10 07:35:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked

"To get my teeth!"

2007-09-10 07:25:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

2007-09-10 07:22:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

2007-09-10 07:20:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous