Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to
donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.


The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their
secret.


After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just
went on and on about his youthful beauty!


One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"


My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2007-09-10 22:26:22 · 4 answers · asked by jake5282 2

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"

And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The
poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like
them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please..... ..do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

2007-09-10 22:22:41 · 13 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last five questions wrong!

2007-09-10 22:20:15 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

We're not just talking looks her girls, i'm talking bout in general which do you prefer, if you could make one thats just right for you? (forget about bad experiences, cos you aint had me yet, blam!)

2007-09-10 20:44:54 · 10 answers · asked by Jared 2

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,

“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

2007-09-10 20:37:51 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A nun was confessing to the priest, "I had sex with 5 men last night! What shall I do?"
The priest said "Go downstairs to the kitchen, take 15 lemons from the fridge, and proceed to suck all the juice out of them"
"Oh, will this cleanse me of my sin?" she asked.
"No, but it will take that damn smile off of your face!"

2007-09-10 19:58:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pirate was applying for disabilty pay because of a patch on his eye, a hook for a hand, and his wooden leg. The clerk said he would qualify if they were work related accidents and asked how they all happened.
"How did you get the wooden leg?" she asked.
"ARRR! I was sailing the high seas one day when the boom on me ship, she swung around & knocked me in the water! Sharks ate me leg off before me mates rescued me!"
"O.k., how did you get the hook for a hand?" she asked.
"ARRR! The next day, me sail the high seas when the boom, she swung around AGAIN, knocking me in the water. Sharks ate me hand off before me mates recued me!"
"Fair enough, how did you lose your eye?" asked the lady.
"Well, me stayed away from the boom the next day. Just stretched out on the deck, catching me some sun, when a sea-gull flew by & pooped in me eye!"
"And that put your eye out?" She asked.
"It was me first day with the hook" he said, covering his eye with his hand in a gesture.

2007-09-10 19:54:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. < /FONT>

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle ?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - cigar in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

2007-09-10 19:46:21 · 15 answers · asked by PC 7

Subject: 10 reasons why men prefer guns over woman

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....



#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

Ladies please take this in good fun

2007-09-10 19:42:38 · 11 answers · asked by PC 7

A Store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.


Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak,love dogs horses and animals of all sorts.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Next door is our Wife Store. The 1st Floor sign reads: "Women who are beautiful". The 2nd Floor sign reads: "Women who are beautiful and love sex". The 3rd floor has never been visited.

2007-09-10 18:54:08 · 15 answers · asked by ashley j 6

"A gentleman had a sitting room with only one window in it. The window was square and measured 1 meter by 1 meter. Because the window let in too much light, the gentleman asked a carpenter to alter the window so that it let in half as much light. The gentleman demanded that the window still be square and that it be kept 1 meter high by 1 meter wide. The carpenter wasn't allowed to use curtains, shutters, colored glass, or anything of the sort. How did the carpenter change the window to suit the gentleman?"

2007-09-10 18:03:44 · 4 answers · asked by alaskapeanutbutter 1

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=17564416

2007-09-10 17:19:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Cat's Diary:

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

2007-09-10 17:10:52 · 6 answers · asked by . 2

Quik...before I'm troll abused...why was this question deleted? It's little more than a hi...hello...how are ya...see ya soon..


"I need perspective!"....Peter Gabriel
_______________________________________

Question: Whazzzzzzzup? Just a shout-out to my Y'buddies. Avoid the trolls, and the humorless, deletin' abusers.Will...

Question Details: GET BACK IN YOUR FACES SOON! Love, Da Violinist

2007-09-10 17:06:11 · 7 answers · asked by Monsieur Recital Vinyliste 6

And what the best thing in New South Wales

2007-09-10 16:53:49 · 2 answers · asked by jobees 6

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

2007-09-10 16:23:35 · 14 answers · asked by Jason The Great 6

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

2007-09-10 15:46:54 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

2007-09-10 15:38:05 · 13 answers · asked by bert 2

Jane and Jim are twins, born less than an hour apart. But next year Jane's birthday will come three days before Jim's! How is this possible?

2007-09-10 15:11:11 · 16 answers · asked by TurtleFromQuebec 5

that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost between $ 299 and $ 399.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.

2007-09-10 14:19:32 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

You have to have a baby to do this one. Walk into a bathroom stall without anyone seeing the babyy, if they do it it will not work. Groan and grunt for a while about 3 mins. Say "Oh, here it comes,here he is I will name him____Then walk out with the baby in plain Sight.

2007-09-10 13:37:22 · 16 answers · asked by <Diamonds> 2

Two nurses a dog and a plant walk into a bar………………………….

2007-09-10 13:34:15 · 6 answers · asked by blozablozo 1

when you go to a familly reunion and you notice that your cousin is hotter than your wife. You must be a red neck

2007-09-10 13:20:28 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-10 12:49:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT



Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!




YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH



This is pretty neat.




DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757...
If you haven't, add 1756.








6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

2007-09-10 12:42:34 · 20 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

2007-09-10 12:33:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One is white,made of plastic and is a danger to children.


The other one,you use to carry your shopping home in.

2007-09-10 12:33:54 · 17 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

One day a little boy came home and told his mom "I had sex with my teacher". The mom said go to your room and wait for your dad he will be very angry. Dad got home and mom told him the news . He went to the boys room and the little boy told him the same .Dad said no way ,and after many high fives the dad said lets go get that bicyle you have been wanting ,they went to the store and picked up his new bike and dad said son you can ride it home if you want to.The boy said dad I would love to ride it home but my butt is too sore.

2007-09-10 12:32:27 · 12 answers · asked by Maxwell and Samantha 2

STAR IF U LIKE

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "It's just hard to believe you got
laid twice.

2007-09-10 12:31:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection, but all he can hear from the next room is, “one, two, three huh!” This goes on all night. The next morning, the second dwarf asks, “so how did it go?” The first dwarf turns round and replies, “S**t I couldn’t get an erection, how was your night?” The Second dwarf turns round and replies, “even worse, I couldn’t even get on the bed.”

2007-09-10 12:28:38 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous