had a horrible week so far ... frankly I'm depressed and need cheering up ... lame
2007-09-12 10:59:09 · 20 answers · asked by shorty 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
what did the fish say when he ran into the wall???
DAMN!
2007-09-12 11:04:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
Marriage Counseling?
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Take care x
2007-09-12 19:12:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Coded birth news
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."
The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."
So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
2007-09-12 18:28:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Two little boys are always getting into trouble, and their mum is fed up with their stealing, whenever anything goes missing it's always her boys so she decides to ask the help of the local priest the first little boy goes to see the priest, he walks into the church and the priest looks at him and says loudly where's is God the little boy looks at him and shakes his head again the priest shouts where's is God the boy turns round and runs home upstairs into the wardrobe his brother asks whats wrong we're in real trouble now God's missing and they think we did it.
OR
I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather
and not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
2007-09-13 05:10:17 · answer #4 · answered by Bezza 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two nuns walking through the woods and a man jumps out and shouts 'Hokus Pokus.'
Replied one of the nuns 'Never mind about the Hokus.'
Two more nuns walking through the same woods and a man jumps out, rapes them and runs away. One of the nuns starts to cry and the other puts her arm around her to comfort her.
"How are we going to tell the Mother Superior that we've been raped twice in a day?" She moans.
"Twice?" Asks the comforter puzzled
"Well we are coming back this way aren't we?" Came the reply.
2007-09-12 18:28:44 · answer #5 · answered by quatt47 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i hope this helps
i have bad days myself
A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
2007-09-12 18:05:37 · answer #6 · answered by cher 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
1. Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had alot of problems!
2. Q: Why didn't the salad want to look in the fridge?
A: Because it didn't want to see the salad dressing?
2007-09-12 18:05:42 · answer #7 · answered by govirgina27 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
two vampires travelling around the country get to a travel inn to stop for the day. One turns to the other and sighs sayin
'damn i dont vant to go and kill someone tonight, i'm just too tired'
the second vampire turn around and pulls out a tampon saying
'don't vorry i have teabags'
(nasty and crude but i laughed when my dad told me it'
2007-09-13 05:38:28 · answer #8 · answered by Satan's avatar 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
After over 30 years of marriage, wife and husband in bed together when she suddenly realises hes using a dildo on her. She goes ballistic at him. And he replies I'll explain the dildo you explain the children!
2007-09-12 18:18:32 · answer #9 · answered by happyearthmother 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
the actor just got a part in a broadway show. his line was to say"Hark, the cannon." when the cannon fires. so for days he practices his line. "Hark, the cannon." he says over and over. finally the day comes. opening night. he's on stage. his line is coming up. the cannon fires. he says "What the hell was that!?!"
2007-09-12 18:22:12 · answer #10 · answered by m deal 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a bar and asked for a pint of lager and a mop!!!!!
2007-09-13 00:45:06 · answer #11 · answered by GWEN C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋