LIZARD BIRTHING
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," She informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my ! wife wanted to kn ow. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making ! much pr ogress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
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I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay? " my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not! in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ern ie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
"So E rnie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"W hat's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face, laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizar! ds and our son back into the car.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
2007-09-15 18:50:05 · 6 answers · asked by bee 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
as far as i know its a true story
2007-09-15 19:10:34 · update #1
OMG TOO FUNNY....I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE ANWERED THIS...LOL...LMAO...I THINK IT HAS TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD...LOL....STILL LAUGHING MY (_l_) OFF!...IF I COULD GIVE MORE THAN ONE STAR I WOULD!...THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!
2007-09-15 19:03:43 · answer #1 · answered by AMY 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh wow. This was so funny. Even funnier if it's true story; is it a true story?
@Amy: I think a few people are a bit too lazy to read it all. I'm usually like that, so I know from experience.
PS: It's well worth the read!
2007-09-15 19:06:26 · answer #2 · answered by Sharon ! 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well i like little tommy and little jhonny jokes and you sure did post one good joke lol thnx for making me laugh and here is yah star
2016-05-20 23:00:38 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it, too cute, deserves at least 5 stars
2007-09-15 19:21:24 · answer #4 · answered by debra 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
lmfao this is so funny
2007-09-16 05:34:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that was real real real real real funny
2007-09-15 19:45:59 · answer #6 · answered by no 1 u kno 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋