What is your best joke?

Question

What is the best joke that you have heard?

Answer 1

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”


He turned to the second Mom, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."



At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're outta here!''




Nervous preacher?
A new priest was at his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "Sometimes we all get a little nervous. It happens to everyone, so don't worry about it. When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a tiny sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. He felt overjoyed with himself for having conquered fear.

However, when he returned to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door :

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ***."

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.

When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

SIP THE VODKA - DON'T GULP IT

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call
Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty. If it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast. It's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Jimmie

Answer 2

Dont have a best joke.

Answer 3

you are the best joke

Answer 4

I have heard loads of good jokes but, unfortunately i never remember them. : (

Answer 5

a wagon has just overturned on the m6 spilling its contents off wigs on the road.the police are combing the area now.

Answer 6

It's not easy being dyslexic.

This afternoon, i got my sleeping tablets and my viagra mixed up....ended up having 40 wanks :O)

Answer 7

Why couldn't the ghost get the witch pregnant?
He had a hollow-wienie!

Answer 8

whats the opposite of cat?
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inside-out cat!