Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-09-20 19:38:38 · 21 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

2007-09-20 19:37:33 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

kool riddle

2007-09-20 19:05:13 · 6 answers · asked by tyrex9 1

2007-09-20 18:33:47 · 7 answers · asked by FordExploder 2

tell that joke

2007-09-20 18:20:19 · 8 answers · asked by haley 2

Timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon
was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able
to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their
flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but
can you tell me
why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting
firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this
string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without
touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by
76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

2007-09-20 18:19:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family is sitting around the supper table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter.
So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

2007-09-20 17:48:32 · 6 answers · asked by dinOgaL(: 3

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.".

How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

2007-09-20 17:35:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Coffin

(Sorry for this one being soooo long)


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP... behind him.




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him


BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket
bouncing quic kly behind him




faster...




faster...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.






However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
casket clapping






clappity-BUMP...




clappity-BUMP...




clappity-BUMP...




on his heels the terrified man runs.




Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps.
< BR>

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.




Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!






Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...












and,












(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)


















the coffin stops.

2007-09-20 17:29:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

For those of you who have sons and those of you who are happy that you
don't.


And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like


1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.


2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.


3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.


4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.


5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.


6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.


7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too
late.


8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.


9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.


10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old
Boy.


11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.


12.) Super glue is forever.


13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.


14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.


15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.


16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.


17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.


18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.


19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like
ovens.


20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.


21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.


22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.


23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.


25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

2007-09-20 17:28:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't know if you've seen this one before folks but well worth another look!


* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.


* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull,

Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

2007-09-20 17:27:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the
pharmacist straight in his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! My license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-09-20 17:25:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddle,Joke

2007-09-20 17:24:26 · 4 answers · asked by Leaving It All In Gods Hands :) TTC 3

2007-09-20 16:44:15 · 6 answers · asked by Kodi [[RoX uR sOx]] 3

A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor.

The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?"

The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell."

The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"

The man said, "Sure, I love to drink."

The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"

The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

2007-09-20 16:35:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

2007-09-20 16:32:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her...so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And here I am."

Blond Men do exist

2007-09-20 16:27:30 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

2007-09-20 16:18:58 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

My personal favorite: Yo mama's so fat she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box!

2007-09-20 15:41:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

she holds the bulb up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her

2007-09-20 15:22:47 · 10 answers · asked by zalltar_knows 2

Normal ducks have two legs. Lame ducks have one leg. Sitting ducks have no legs. There are 24 ducks with a total of 23 legs. If the total number of normal and lame ducks is twice that of sitting ducks, how many lame ducks are there?

2007-09-20 15:15:22 · 7 answers · asked by ashlee 3

it is for my son's video game

2007-09-20 14:14:05 · 10 answers · asked by Sean S 1

Riding a bike?? ;)

2007-09-20 13:56:58 · 47 answers · asked by Marie 5

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!!"

2007-09-20 13:36:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning I didn't feel like going in to work,so I phoned my boss to tell him.The rotten sod talked me out of it

2007-09-20 13:27:51 · 16 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

2007-09-20 13:15:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

2007-09-20 13:09:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple ready to go out for the evening turned on a night light and the answering machine, covered the parakeet ,put the cat in the backyard and phoned a cab. The taxi arrived but when they opened the front door the cat ran back into the house. Fearing the cat would try to eat the bird the husband went back in the house after her as his wife got in the taxi. The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. The wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night so she said that her husband was just going upstairs to say good-bye to her mother. Once in the cab the husband said "sorry I took so long"as the driver drove away. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I poked her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She ran but I grabbed her by the throat and I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. I hauled her fat *** downstairs and slung her out into the back yard! She better not **** in the roses! The cab driver hit a parked car

2007-09-20 13:09:24 · 6 answers · asked by Barry DaLive 5

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

2007-09-20 13:08:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

His underpants fitted him like a glove !

2007-09-20 12:51:29 · 32 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3