Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2007-09-21 21:48:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

2007-09-21 20:43:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

asking whether they had any jobs that needed doing. The man of the house asked whether Paddy could paint, and was assured he could.
"Well go round the front of the house, and paint the porch" Paddy was told. He was back after only 20 minutes! "You can't have finished already" the man of the house exclaimed. "I have Sir" said Paddy, "and by the way, it wasn't a porch, it was a BMW!"

2007-09-21 18:45:31 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-09-21 18:25:50 · 15 answers · asked by dejavu7013 4

and says honey this is the pig ive been sleeping with the wife says thats not a pig its a sheep the man says shut up i wasnt talking to you

2007-09-21 18:21:07 · 8 answers · asked by zalltar_knows 2

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

2007-09-21 18:15:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

2007-09-21 18:15:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Deal is that if u r not able to get them at one shot , then give me a star
1.There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher
2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
3. Buttery Butter Bought the Butter, the Butter was Bitter so buttery Bitter Bought more Butter to make the Buttery Butter Better.
4.To sit in solemn silence in a dull dark dock
In a pestilential prison with a life long lock
Awaiting the sensation of a short sharp shock
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block

2007-09-21 17:44:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cruel, I know. : ]

2007-09-21 17:27:56 · 19 answers · asked by Em 4

...and for how long?
Name the band, the singer and the album.
First right answer gets 10 pts
Good Luck

2007-09-21 17:01:16 · 2 answers · asked by Jeff R 2

A plane was about to crash, and on it was the smartest man on earth, George W. Bush, a young school boy, and a pope. There were only 3 parachutes, and time was running out. The smartest man says, "Since I am the smartest man on earth, people need me to be around or else it'd be a great loss." So he takes a parachute and jumps. George Bush says, "I'm the president of the United States. I am an important person in the world." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The school boy and the pope were the only two left. The pope says, "Since you're a young school boy, you should take the last parachute. You are the future of the world." The boy replies, "It's ok. We can both get a parachute. George Bush grabbed my book bag."







lmao!

2007-09-21 16:08:59 · 6 answers · asked by inlovewithlife08 5

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

2007-09-21 15:25:03 · 15 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

2007-09-21 14:40:51 · 19 answers · asked by stegokitty 2

1. 1 door closes, 9 open. When 9 close, 1 door opens. What is it?

2007-09-21 14:17:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

alright...you need to spin your right foot in a clockwise motion. keep doing it and draw a 6 in the air!
YOUR FOOT WILL GO THE OTHER WAY!!

2007-09-21 13:56:34 · 16 answers · asked by julia❀✿ 5

I went to the store to buy one thing....toilet paper. I walked out of the store with $17 worth of stuff I don't really need but felt at the time I did....but NO TOILET PAPER!

2007-09-21 13:36:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ***, didn't it?'''

2007-09-21 13:07:28 · 18 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

What if? Seriously. What would you do if...?

There's no rules to what you'd do. And it doesn't even have to make sense to what my "what if" is. Just answer, What would you do if?

2007-09-21 13:05:54 · 14 answers · asked by Alyse 2

Good thing I have 2 extra lives.

2007-09-21 13:02:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does exactly what it says on the tin........

2007-09-21 12:46:42 · 61 answers · asked by Anonymous

when suddently the blonde say to the Brunette: Darling, isn't it your husband, just out the florist with that bouquet of roses, I just saw ?

Yes, you'r right say the Brunette. That means I'm gonna have to spend again some times laying on my back with my legs open !

Why ! say the blonde, dont you have a vase ?

2007-09-21 12:46:09 · 16 answers · asked by Trucky 5

ik its a video but wat is it exactly? a lotta people talk about it from my school and im kinda confused.
anyone have the link??

2007-09-21 12:33:57 · 10 answers · asked by xperfectionx 2

The local ladies hockey team were lined up to have a group photo taken. The photographer got his camera sorted out and standing behind it, pulled the cover out and over his head. Why's he doing that? asked one
He's going to focus, says another.
What? All of us?

2007-09-21 12:32:11 · 16 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

after a while, the Japanese turns to the men and ask if he knew what Karate was.
The dude looked at him with a blank face and say no, can you show me ?
The little Japanese steps back, launch in the air and kick the man right off of his stoll. when the dude came back to his senses, the smiling Nip say: this is typicaly Japanese !

Our dude stays silent and walks out. minutes later, the little Japanese recieves a crashing blow on top of his head and collapses.
When he awakes, the dude is standing on top of him and say: This too, it's typicaly Japanese !

The Nip ask: What, what is Japanese ?

The dude say: The Jack of my Toyota !

2007-09-21 12:13:25 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Van driver, Smila, picks up a young female hitchhiker in Turkey and after they've travelled some distance he propositions her. She agrees and suggests they get into the back of the van but he tells her it's full of plumbing equipment.

"I know," he says, "Let's do it on the bonnet." So throwing all caution to the wind, they climb aboard and start bonki*g away. The passion is getting stronger and stronger, the van is swaying from side to side and at the crucial moment he flings himself away and hits his back on the aerial. The next day, it's still very painful so he goes along to the doctor's.

After examining Smila the doc looks at him and says, "Mmm...that's the worst case of Van Aerial disease I've ever seen."

2007-09-21 12:07:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cracker Jack walks into a bar, orders a pint, drinks it and then wets himself, leaving a puddle all over the floor. The landlord, is livid but Jack is so embarrassed and so apologetic, he allows him to stay. But after another pint Jack does it again - pis*es all down his leg.
That's it, the landlord throws him out of the pub, telling him never to come back.
A month later, Jack returns from a fishing trip and goes back to the pub.
As soon as the landlord sees Jack, he shouts at the top of his voice, "You're banned!!"
Poor Jack is so embarrassed he rushes out sobbing. Six months go by and one lunchtime Jack appears again.
"Hold on landlord, everything's sorted out now, it was a nervous affliction."
"Well OK," says the landlord who could see that Jack had changed, and he serves him a pint of beer. No sooner had he drunk it than he peed all down his leg onto the carpet.
"You blo*dy tw*t" roars the landlord. You told me you had it sorted.".....

2007-09-21 11:50:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Complete this sentence "In my bedroom u will find___________"

For example, witches doing ballerina, Monkey's playing poker etc.

Most funniest answer will get the points.

2007-09-21 11:50:24 · 4 answers · asked by Rip Van W 3

I have parked my car in a parking lot, say at the grocery store, and while my husband or sister or someone was in the store, I moved the car. Someplace where they couldn't see me but I could see them. When they come out and can't find me the look on their face is priceless. Have you ever done this? Would you ever do it?

2007-09-21 11:39:06 · 33 answers · asked by ♥sick n tired♥ 6

A Man tells a doctor, " I this my wife's going deaf, What should I do?" doctor says, "well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't asnwer, Move little closer, and ask again. Keep repeating this untill she answers.
That way we can see how bada problem is".
the man goes home and asks "Hi honey whats for dinner" he doesn't hear an answer so he moves closer, "honey whats for dinner" he repeats several times, untill he's standing right next to her, finally she answers "For tenth time, I said we're having pot roast".............

2007-09-21 11:20:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Lithuanian man and an Irish man are sitting in a bar.....

The Lithuanian man drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots it. He says, "In Lithuania our glasses are so cheap we dont need to drink from the same one twice."

The Irish man, cool as a cucumber, drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the Lithuanian guy. He says "In Ireland we have so many Lithuanians, we don't need to drink with the same one twice!"

2007-09-21 11:14:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous