Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

He always talks about how my teeth are big. And he two teeth behind his two front teeth? What can I say about him that would be a good crack?

2007-09-22 15:07:43 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"
"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

2007-09-22 14:54:51 · 15 answers · asked by pd6491 2

2007-09-22 14:50:35 · 30 answers · asked by Nameless 2

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot damn," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"

2007-09-22 14:41:43 · 9 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?


Now after the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top !!!

2007-09-22 14:34:41 · 8 answers · asked by krazed_skater 3

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.
Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.
The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

2007-09-22 14:17:38 · 12 answers · asked by ron s 5

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.


Your EX-Wife


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

2007-09-22 14:16:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

2007-09-22 14:08:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call a female peacock?

peac$%^nt

2007-09-22 13:52:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you know that just before Solidarity came to be, some anti-communist Polish general bought 10.000 Septic Tanks ?
When his war minister asked him why ?, he declared proudly "As soon as our soldiers have learned to drive then, we'll invade Russia" !

2007-09-22 12:35:13 · 6 answers · asked by Trucky 5

with one of his patient, and he was a bloody good vet to.

2007-09-22 12:33:36 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I borrow
Batman Forever?"
He said, " No, you will have to bring it back tomorrow".

2007-09-22 12:14:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move,
the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
The Double Mint Twins are Coming and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
William's Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, when She moved the fourth time and sat under under a sign that said,
Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident
.. I just lost it."

2007-09-22 12:14:17 · 18 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A busker is playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo.
Someone shouts out ..."Thats abbariginal"

2007-09-22 12:04:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and was nearly winnings of £500000.

"You've done very well so far," said the presenter,"But to get the £1 million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a Friend.
Will you give it a go?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll give it a go!"

"OK. The question is, Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
(a) Robin,
(b) Sparrow,
(c) Cuckoo or
(d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "So I'll phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon"

Mick called up his mate and repeated the question to him.
"Foockin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple....it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm foockin" sure, Mick"

Mick hung up and told the presenter, "I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer"
"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer ! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah, bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a foockin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

2007-09-22 11:50:05 · 24 answers · asked by Trucky 5

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

2007-09-22 11:49:19 · 6 answers · asked by Charlotte's Dad 5

The whale told his girlfriend that the navy ship killed his uncle. We must get revenge! He told her to go up under the ship with him and blow as hard as she could at the same time with him and the ship would flip over. She really did not think it would work but she agreed.
They went under the ship and blew and in minutes the ship flipped. She ships crew were floating around trying to swim.
She said "we did it!" He told her now we must gobble them up. They killed my uncle!
She said "I agreed to blow but I never said I would swallow the Seamen!"

2007-09-22 11:48:46 · 3 answers · asked by Mrs. T 4

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes

in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out

with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy

aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

2007-09-22 11:07:00 · 18 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:

1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.

2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.

5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.

2007-09-22 11:03:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a house with no windows or doors. You are inside of it and there is only a table and a mirror inside with you. How do you escape?

I've been trying to figure this one out forever.

2007-09-22 11:03:07 · 6 answers · asked by Susie C 1

What's the difference between a pub and a cli*oris?

A man can ALWAYS find a pub!!!!!!!

2007-09-22 10:54:18 · 11 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach the first yearers the evils of liquor.So, he created an experiment to make the point.

Producing 2 glasses and 2 small worms, he first poured a small amount of water into 1 of the glasses.

Putting in the first worm, he asked the class to observe it carefully.

The worm swam about happily -- or as happy as a worm can be.
Then he took the secound glass, poured in a small amount of whisky and dropped in the remaining worm.

This worm writhed around painfully and sank to the bottom of the glass...dead.

''Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?'' , the teacher asked. One kid had the answer right away.

''Drink whiskey and you won't get worms !''


Hope you like...Toe.

2007-09-22 10:43:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

21. I will not cut my master's nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.



27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

2007-09-22 10:41:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was waking past his parents bedroom one night, and heard a noise. He peeped in and saw them making love. Next day he said to his mummy... "Mummy why was daddy doing that to you last night?" His mummy replied... "Because Mummy wants another baby!"
Next night he hears a noise from his parents room again, he peeps in and sees his mummy giving daddy a b.j.
Next morning he says to his Mummy... "Mummy, why were you doing that to daddy last night?"
Mummy replied ..."Because Mummy wants a BMW".

2007-09-22 10:25:41 · 13 answers · asked by jvk 2

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

2007-09-22 10:21:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!"

2007-09-22 10:20:19 · 12 answers · asked by ron s 5

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:


Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.


"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."


Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!


Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?


Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.


Oh no! Where's my Rolex.


Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?


There go the lights again?


"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."


Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!


Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.


What's this doing here?


I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.


That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!


Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.


Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?


OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.


This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?


Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?


Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.


What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"


FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!


Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

2007-09-22 09:50:17 · 21 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"






The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-09-22 09:44:25 · 9 answers · asked by ron s 5

Tips on Love by Kids- Age 5-10
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

2007-09-22 09:40:47 · 9 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What the hell are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the b*tch naked!"

2007-09-22 09:28:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous