Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

I have....probably the same 10 who have the great ways with words........

2007-09-23 13:00:16 · 14 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

A panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While he's downing his pint, he looks across and sees a beautiful woman at the end of the bar, so he pulls up a stool next to her. They talk for awhile and hit it off.

Then the panda says," God, I could go for a bite to eat," and the woman says she will buy him a meal. Back at her place after the fulfilling meal, one thing leads to another, and the panda ends up having sex with the woman.

In the morning as the panda is about to leave, the woman says to him, "Hey wait a sec, I'm a prostitute." Seeing the baffled expression on the Panda's face she tells him to look it up in the dictionary.

So the Panda looks up "prostitute," and the definition says, "Takes money for sex."

After reading this, the panda relaxes and says, "That's all right because I'm a panda."

The woman, confused, looks up "panda" in the dictionary and reads the definition: "Eats shoots and leaves."

2007-09-23 12:50:13 · 7 answers · asked by ? 1

2007-09-23 12:29:39 · 2 answers · asked by morethan32characters 5

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. "Before you
leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the
highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I
stopped, and brought her home. Then I made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator. She had some old worn
out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had
discarded because they'd gone out of style. She was cold so I gave
her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore
because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave
her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you
now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

2007-09-23 11:32:46 · 24 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

A smart young teacher wearing a miniskirt starts teaching Johnny's class.Her chalk breaks and she bends down to get it.
A boy shouts out.."Ha!, I can see your stockings!!"
The teacher says sternly.."Get out Jim and don't come back 'till next lesson!"
She carries on writing and the chalk breaks again.
"Ha! I can see your panties!!" shouts another boy.
"Get out Fred and don't come back 'till tomorrow!" she says sternly.
She returns to the blackboard and the chalk breaks yet again, she bends down again but this time her panties tear with a great "Riiipppp!"
She is expecting a comment but no-one says a word.
She notices little Johnny at the back of the class, quietly putting his books away and closing his satchel.
"What ARE you doing Johnny?" she asks
"Well, Miss, after what I'VE seen, my schooldays are over."

2007-09-23 11:24:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time
his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him-he's done this
many times before. His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room
for an easer entrance. You begin to plead and
beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and
you feel the slight trickle of blood as he
continues. He looks at you concerned and
asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and
nod for him to go on. He begins going in and
out with skill but you are now too numb
to feel him within you. After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over. He looks at you and
smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience. You smile and
thank your dentist.

2007-09-23 11:16:19 · 6 answers · asked by U ASKED 1

A cowboy walks into a car showroom and says, "Audi!"

2007-09-23 11:15:07 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

2007-09-23 11:08:17 · 7 answers · asked by secretrainbow89 3

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had
acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for
her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had
a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its
stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and
just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day
didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola
decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel
and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem.
How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with
two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on
the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she
would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be
necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she
could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the
afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's
wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she
would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of
it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola
was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend
that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the
motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott
said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone
number."

2007-09-23 10:41:18 · 26 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

Cheers and have a nice week ahead :)

2007-09-23 10:30:39 · 13 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

I'm having kind of a bad day. Ugh. I need a good laugh. Please?

Thanks.

2007-09-23 10:19:49 · 23 answers · asked by Shane 2

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks
his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between
potential and reality?"


His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to
you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a
million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."


The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around
slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your
father, but, yes, I would."


Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you
a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up
and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"


The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it
out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality,
we are living with a couple of whores."

2007-09-23 09:49:28 · 13 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

A pilot is flying his bomber over Afghanistan when he looks out of his cockpit and sees a flying carpet with a man holding a machine gun sitting on it. He quickly looks out of the other side and sees another carpet flying alongside him. Swiftly he locks on to the targets and shoots them both from the sky before returning to his aircraft carrier.

On landing the pilot's Captain comes running up to him, "we saw what happened on the radar, what the hell do you think you were doing?" aircraft carrier.

"Well," said the pilot I saw the magic carpets and shot them down before they shot me." aircraft carrier.

"No you idiot, they were on our side," replied the captain. "They were Allied Carpets!"

2007-09-23 09:29:39 · 23 answers · asked by tastybits 7

title sayes it all

2007-09-23 09:18:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked: "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," He answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked
"I can if I take two," he answered.

2007-09-23 09:00:50 · 16 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

A man hires a blond to paint his porch for him. So the next day the blond knocks on the door, ready for work. The man opens the door, and says. "The paint and the brushes are in the garage, so how much will it cost?" The blond replies $50, and goes off to the garage. The man's wife comes to the door and asks " who was she?" The man responds " She is going to paint our porch for $50" The wife says "50 dollars? Now I'm starting to believe that all of the blond jokes I have heard of are true." Then they both go inside. 1 hour later, the blond comes inside and says "I'm all done, and by the way, its a Lexus not a Porch"

2007-09-23 08:42:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A women asked a man who is traveling with six children,
all these kids are yours???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

2007-09-23 08:22:59 · 5 answers · asked by Trucky 5

...the lava is hotter than a steambroiled otter and your shoes start sticking to the fiberglass floor?

2007-09-23 08:17:05 · 7 answers · asked by Leafy 6

2007-09-23 07:55:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."
>
> Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too
easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
>
> Quickly, realizing my husband would wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.
>
> (Even when totally smashed.....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals
12 cuckoos = midnight.)
>
> The next morning my husband asked my what time I got in and I
told him "midnight." He didn't seem upset at all.
>
> Whew! Got away with that one!
>
> Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
>
> When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh ****", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

2007-09-23 07:37:14 · 13 answers · asked by Pepsi Girl 1

2007-09-23 07:06:50 · 4 answers · asked by annie35531 1

10 points for the one that makes me laugh
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2007-09-23 06:46:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks in to a pub with an octopus and shouts "this octopus can play any musical instrument,anyone who can give him an instrument he CAN'T play i will give them £1000".

This bloke walks up with a drum kit,and the octopus plays them like a pro.

A second bloke walks up with a guitar,the octopus plays it like jimmy hendrix.

A third bloke comes up with a set of bag pipes,the octopus fummbles around with them for a while then puts them on the bar looking a bit bemused.

The bloke picks up the bag pipes and brags "Ha,you can't play them,where's my £1000".

"PLAY them" shouts the octopus "as soon as i get the pyjamas off i'm sha gging them".

LOL @ THAT

2007-09-23 06:30:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'Chuck, everything looks great How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Chuck replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.

' WOW, That's incredible' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. 'Ethel,' he
says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light
goes off?

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'he's peeing in the refrigerator again!

2007-09-23 06:14:16 · 11 answers · asked by Sweety 3

Little red riding hood, skipping through the woods and The wolf approaches, and asks her to remove her blouse.
'No way' she say's, and pulls her knickers to one side 'Just eat me like it say's in the book'!

2007-09-23 06:10:55 · 52 answers · asked by ǝsɹnuʎxǝs 6

The Mccanns have offered to help him.

2007-09-23 05:28:14 · 14 answers · asked by funnygirlsmiles 1

St Peter at the Pearly Gates has a crowd waiting to go through.
He rings a little bell to get everyone's attention and when all is quiet, begins.

'I just want to tell you all the first thing about God is - She's black'.

2007-09-23 05:20:23 · 7 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.



But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even imagining the



photo is staring at him doing the deed.




It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.



Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.



"That's me 6 months ago"

2007-09-23 05:00:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. It preceded God.
2. It's greater than God.
3. It's more evil than the Devil.
4. If you eat it, you die.
5. Poor, miserable people have it.
6. wealthy, happy people need it.

As soon as I see the correct answer, I'll post it.

2007-09-23 04:35:18 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does CMSW Stand for?

2007-09-23 04:24:25 · 9 answers · asked by Emily 2