Ugh. Any jokes to cheer me up?

Question

I'm having kind of a bad day. Ugh. I need a good laugh. Please?

Thanks.

Omg, these are all hilarious. Thanks a lot guys.

My friends Jenny and Anastasiya were hanging out at the football game on Friday and they were talking about how they didn't like this one girl that goes to our school. Then all of sudden Anstasiya became friends with said girl and told her all the stuff Jenny had said.

Then, my girlfriend, who apparently is friends with this girl, got mad at me even though I didn't do anything and now she's has an attitude with me.

So much drama.

I don't want to get in the middle of it - I mean, I'm trying to stay Switzerland (no offence) here. But both want me to side with them. UGH!

But thanks a lot guys! I'm not feeling so bad now.

Answer 1

A blonde decides to try horse back riding, even tho she has no experience with it what so ever. She mounts the horse and it quickly springs inot motion. It gallops along and a rythmic pace, but the blonde starts to slip from the saddle, in terror she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck but slides down the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seeming unaware of the slipping rider. Finally giving up on her fail grip, the blonde decides to try jump off of the horse to safty. Unfortunanly her foot gets caught in the stirrup she is now at the mercy of the of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over......

As her head is battered against the ground, she is meer moments away from unconsienseness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

♪ ♫

Answer 2

Three nuns are approached by their pastor. He says "Sisters, you have been such a great help to me lately, I want you to go out and have some fun." So the nuns leave. The first comes back about an hour later and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I robbed a bank". The priest bathes her with Holy Water and says she has been forgiven. The second nun comes back soon after. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I killed a man". The priest bathes her with Holy Water and tells her she is forgiven. The last nun comes back, saying "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest waits a minute, then asks "Well, Sister, what have you done?" to which she replies "I peed in the Holy water."

It's an ancient joke, I know....sorry

Answer 3

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Grilled Democrat: $20.00
+ Baked Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Republican?'

The cook replied, "Have you tried to clean one recently? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning

Answer 4

This one involves Husbands, Wives, and Horses.

The farmer and his wife are on their way into town riding in their horse drawn buggy. The farmer is cheerfully commenting on the usual things and his wife is silent and attentive.

Suddenly the horse starts to act up for no apparent reason and the farmer quickly disciplines the animal and says, "That's one!" Shaking his finger at the disobedient horse.

They travel on a bit more when the horse decides to act up once again, this time the farmer gets the horse back under control and says, "That's two!" Shaking his finger at the disobedient horse.

They continue on almost to town when the horse acts up a third time. The farmer shakes his head, pulls his revolver, and shoots the horse dead.

The farmers wife, shocked at this says, "Why did you do that!?!?"

The farmer just looks at her and says, "That's one!" Shaking his finger. (Braces for the hate mail)

Answer 5

A guy is on a passenger plane over the middle of the ocean when it an engine fails and the plane starts to lose altitude. As the plane begins to nose downward and increase speed, a woman passenger next to him whom he has never met grabs him and cries "Before I die, I want you to make me feel like a woman one more time!" "Okay" he answers.

So he hands her a wrinkled shirt and an ironing board and says "Here ya go."

Answer 6

what the blondes leg say to the other?

between you and me, we can make a lot of money


an irishman and an american were arguing about who went to the moon first..

irishman - we were there first

american - no yuo wern't we have footage to prove we were the 1st

irishman - fine, but we;ll go the sun first!

american - that's suicide, you'll die 200,000 miles before reaching the surface

irishman - don't be daft, us irishmen aint all stupid, we'll just go up at night

Answer 7

A chimpanzee goes into a bar & orders a banana daiquiri. The bartender serves him & says - "we rarely see a chimp in here" The chimp says "at these prices you won't"

Answer 8

ok . This woman comes to her pastor and says "My husband keeps falling asleep in church, what do I do?" The pastor says take this hat pin and poke him in the leg when I signal. THe next church service Mr. Jones fell asleep and the preacher noticed this and signaled.he asked,"Who died for us?" and the woman poked her hubby in the leg and he yelled"JESUS". the next time he yelled GOD. THe last time he fell asleep the pastor did not notice and he was really getting into his sermon so he was moving his hands.THe woman mistook it as a signal and when the pastor asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had his 99 son?"she poked him in the leg and he yelled"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND PUT IT SOMEWHERE FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

There was this man who ran off to Europe with his secretary.
He mailed his wife, and said he wasn't coming home. And to
sell the "Mercedes," and send him the money.
So, she posted an add in the paper, for $19.95. and sent the
check to him, explaining she has did as instructed. <}:-})

Answer 10

This is an old one, but a good one if you don't know it already.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?









Lays awake at night wondering if there's a Dog.