Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. --(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. --(Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. --Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)


Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. --Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. --Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. --Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. --Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. --David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) --Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. --Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." --Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take his wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). --David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). --Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. --Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife? Not!!! --Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


(Note: I'm passing this bit of humor along, and I didn't write it. Disagree with the interpretation? Fine, but keep it to yourself; I'm not interested in reading your argument. Again, I didn't write it. Oh, and by the way: I didn't write it.)

2007-09-24 06:59:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up.

She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."

Shocked through to her very soul, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot.

Her students rushed to revive her.

When she finally came around, the Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?"

"A prostitute," the girl replied, honestly, "just like my mom."

"Oh thank the Lord," the relieved nun replied. "I thought you said a Protestant."

2007-09-24 06:54:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.

Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously.

Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man.
I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed.

"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a freaking wall."

2007-09-24 06:51:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

2007-09-24 06:37:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

2007-09-24 06:27:48 · 23 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

Three football supporters are laying on the beach wearing their club jerseys. All of a sudden they hear a cry for help from a beautiful blond in a dinghy off the beach. She is surrounded by sharks. The Liverpool supporter decides to try to rescue her, jumps in and is eaten alive within meters of the dinghy. The Everton supporter is next to try and he suffers the same fate. Finally the United supporter gives it a go and to the amazement of onlookers rescues the blond and brings her safely to shore. When asked how he managed it he replied" I exchanged shirts with the Everton supporter before he dived in and on the back is said Everton For The Treble 2008 and I knew even the sharks wouldn't swallow that"!

2007-09-24 06:25:09 · 6 answers · asked by Mad Irish Momma 4

support breast cancer??


my BF does i think guys should too...

2007-09-24 06:01:36 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Cali Girl♥ 5

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

2007-09-24 05:24:22 · 5 answers · asked by :) 3

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."





Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."



Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"



Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."



A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"


Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."



A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor."

2007-09-24 04:41:03 · 8 answers · asked by ms01 4

Okay, I know the joke so please don't tell me it. but can you please explain the meaning of it to me. THANKS

2007-09-24 04:24:22 · 3 answers · asked by mattsp_89 1

A Marine squad was marching north of somewhere when they came upon an
insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a
similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert.

First aid was given to both men and the Marine was asked what had
happened.

The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway and
coming south was the insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

"We tried to draw each other out of cover. I yelled at him that
Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scum bag, and he yelled back
that George Bush was a spoiled-rotten, good-for-nothing moron."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a bus hit us."

2007-09-24 04:11:35 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."
So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.
Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car.
He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvette and drove off.
The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side."

2007-09-24 03:03:07 · 17 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

Due to high winds!!

2007-09-24 01:42:32 · 18 answers · asked by Jackass 3

It's driving me mad. I can't remember where I found the keys. Anyone solved it? How?

2007-09-24 00:49:05 · 2 answers · asked by chris n 7

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don’t let him
do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat
too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try
ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do
dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted: "And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of
him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Nonna fainted!!

2007-09-24 00:34:18 · 8 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

An 80 year old man wanted his wife dead so he could claim the insurance and live the high life for the rest of his short life on earth,so he consulted a hitman.

The hitman told him the best way to do it was to shoot her just below the left nipple.

To which the old man replied "i want her dead,not kneecapped".

LOL @ THAT

2007-09-24 00:30:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Bob. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I
recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi, Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling
him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and
says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real Bltch this time."

(i think i have posted before)

2007-09-23 23:59:27 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

Would it be expediant for them to record a log of their orbitz in my book?

Can I tune into their communications?

2007-09-23 23:57:45 · 1 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

2007-09-23 23:52:40 · 6 answers · asked by Psycho 2

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is proud of himself and he starts calling his wife “mother of six” in spite of her objection.

One day, they go to party.

The man decides that it is time to go home and want to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts “shall we go home now mother of six?”

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back,

“Anytime you are ready, father of four!”

Husband “?????????????????????????????????????????”

2007-09-23 23:32:13 · 5 answers · asked by LoCo#33 1

and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

2007-09-23 23:26:09 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3

After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

....................
A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

2007-09-23 23:24:47 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

you know when theres a big news story like the McCanns or Colin McRae crash who makes the sick jokes up that do the rounds not long after the event.

2007-09-23 23:22:24 · 11 answers · asked by ky619 1

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go **** herself!"

2007-09-23 22:33:20 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

it monday and am feeling a bit low after the weekend as i am just a bit run down with a cold achoo!!!!! and need a really good laugh sniff sniff any joke will be accepected with the best one winning 10ponits of course !!!!!

2007-09-23 21:55:47 · 12 answers · asked by Mike 3

**TEACHER: "CAN ANYBODY GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF COINCIDENCE"

JOHNNY: "MADAM' MY MOM N DAD GOT MARRIED ON SAME DAY SAME TIME"



**TEACHER: GEORGE, GO TO THE STAFF ROOM AND BRING THE MAP

GEORGE: "HERE IT IS"

TEACHER: NOW FIND WHERE IS AMERICA ?
AND TEACHER TO JOHNNY

TEACHER: NOW JOHNNY, WHO DISCOVER AMERICA
JOHNNY: "GEORGE"






**JOHN:"DOCTOR,I AM SO WORRIED, I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF".

DOCTOR : "DON'T WORRY. JUST LEAVE THAT TO ME.







**THE HUSBAND ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND OPENS THE SUGAR BOX. HE LOOKS INSIDE AND CLOSES IT. WIFE OBSERVES THE WHOLE EPISODE . AGAIN HE COMES IN AND DOES THE SAME.

WIFE ASKS: "Y R U DOING THIS?"

HUSBAND REPLIES: "DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CHECK THE SUGAR LEVEL REGULARLY.

2007-09-23 21:50:12 · 26 answers · asked by risker4you 2

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

2007-09-23 21:49:16 · 9 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

2007-09-23 21:48:42 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

2007-09-23 21:48:03 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

2007-09-23 21:47:08 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2