Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Two drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff. Boom boom, tish!!

2007-09-24 23:10:04 · 7 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a s**ual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an er**tion either."



A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

2007-09-24 23:07:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary.


One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.


"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

2007-09-24 23:03:28 · 9 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

2007-09-24 23:02:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ten-year-old Johnny was walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a dead flattened frog on a string behind it, when he came up to the doorstep of a wh**ehouse. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it. When she saw him with his wagon and frog, she just stared and asked what he wanted.

Johnny said "I know what you sell in there, I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving 'till I get it!"

She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick out the girl he liked.

Johnny asked, "Do any of these girls have any dis**ses?"

Well, the madam was somewhat surprised, but of course, she told him, "No".

Johnny replied: "Well, I heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and that is the girl I want. I have the money to pay for it."

2007-09-24 22:52:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

When reading horizontally from Shakespeare's original published copy of Hamlet, the furthest left hand side reads 'I am a homos**ual' in the last 14 lines of the book. Was this a message, or just a coincidence?


Over 50% of all people fantasize more often about money than s*x, so technically, Bill Gates is the hearthrob of the world.


According to the World Health Organization, there are approximately 100 million acts of s**ual interco**se each day.


Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre s**ual positions.


More than half the American men surveyed in a recent poll admit to having s*x with women they disliked. It didn't say how many were referring to their wives ;o)


A female org*sm is a powerfull painkiller (because of the release of endorfines), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have s*x.

2007-09-24 22:44:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty ?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, y es.. W ell, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

2007-09-24 22:15:21 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months...It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth and be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

2007-09-24 22:15:00 · 2 answers · asked by Gina B 4

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

2007-09-24 22:08:52 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Three ducks go into a bar. "Say, whats your name?" says the bartender to the first duck. " Huey " he replied. "What have u been up to today then Huey?" "Well, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?" "And you are?" he says to the second duck "I'm Duey" he replies. "So Duey, what have u been doing?" "I've been in and out of puddles all day too, had a great time?" The bartender then turns to the third duck. "U must be Louie then?" "No" she said, batting her eyelashes, "I'm Puddles" !!!!

2007-09-24 22:04:22 · 30 answers · asked by EDGIE 1

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All
follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should
be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
(c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

2007-09-24 21:37:21 · 4 answers · asked by Gina B 4

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

2007-09-24 21:21:29 · 3 answers · asked by Gina B 4

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life..

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need.... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better.

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. Size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ...it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see. Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since before I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £10
Second opinion - PRICELESS ;-)

2007-09-24 21:13:52 · 24 answers · asked by Grotty Bodkin is not dead!!! 5

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately ". Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing". So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I'll try and be supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it". Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?"

It has to be his job.

2007-09-24 20:59:35 · 19 answers · asked by tinta 2

A woman filed for divorce after just one night of marriage because she got annoyed when she found out that the 24 inch her husband promised before the wedding was a T.V.!

2007-09-24 20:56:52 · 10 answers · asked by tinta 2

You can keep it only after giving it away to someone else. What is it?

2007-09-24 20:48:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

2007-09-24 19:51:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i mean come on what do you think?

2007-09-24 18:22:39 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

What percentage of the Georgia lottery goes to the company vs education?

2007-09-24 18:04:22 · 16 answers · asked by AxNxG 2

He tells the people that there are no homosexuals in Iran.

2007-09-24 17:21:10 · 3 answers · asked by Mr. Bodhisattva 6

2007-09-24 17:18:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

FEMALE UROLOGIST
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist who has excellent Medical credentials, but is also drop dead gorgeous, for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99." The guy obeys and says, "99!!!" The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and, again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99." Again, the guy says, "99." The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold onto your p*e*n*i*s. Now take a deep breath and say 99." The guy says, "One...two...three.........................."

2007-09-24 17:14:05 · 10 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A Filipino, Indian, and Samoan were crossing the Sahara desert when the engine of their Jeep went dead. It was a long walk to civilization, so they each decided to take one item from the Jeep to get them through their journey.

The Filipino guy chose the basket of fruit and explained, "If I get hungry, I'll have some food to eat!"

The Indian guy chose the canteen and said, "If I get thirsty on our journey, I'll have some cold water to drink!"

The Samoan guy took the Jeep door off it's hinges and said, "If I get hot, I'll roll the window down!"

2007-09-24 17:12:22 · 4 answers · asked by I love my angels 6

http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x40/Mike_F_620/Seagull.gif?t=1190692570

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

2007-09-24 17:08:30 · 9 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

2007-09-24 16:50:47 · 18 answers · asked by cathyhjkim 1

DUUNNNNNG!!

2007-09-24 16:41:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

of course you dont you werent there

lol

i wonder if anyone hasnt heard this lol
.

2007-09-24 16:41:15 · 5 answers · asked by Fur Q 2

Mmm…hey, I know we haven’t known each other long and that I rally shouldn’t be asking you this…but I just want it sooo bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not usually the kind of girl that will just ask this from anybody, but it’s just that I haven’t had if for such a long time. I can already feel it going in so hard and coming out soft and wet. No one has to know about this, but I’m desperate. But if you help me out now in my time of need, I’ll be so grateful! And I will always remember what you’ve done for me and know that I’ll owe you one too.
You must never think of me asking you for this, but I can already feel my tongue wrapping around it, sucking and licking out all of the juices until there’s no more left… I’ve been thinking about it all day long and I just can take it anymore!! Mmm, baby I hope I’m not being too forward but, …can I have a piece of gum?


hahahahahahaha yeah, i know what y'all were thinking...ya nasty!

2007-09-24 15:54:45 · 5 answers · asked by ♥femme fatale♥ 2

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2007-09-24 15:20:13 · 12 answers · asked by Heather01Anderson 3

2007-09-24 15:12:01 · 5 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7