(Reporters HUMOR!) Will you tell me a few jokes?

Answer 1

This just in......A fireball slammed into southern Peru over the weekend, creating a giant crater that emitted a sickeningly smelly gas. More than 600 villagers fell ill, according to a recent report. Other reports show a crater near Carancas measuring an astounding 100 ft. by 20 ft. deep.... Local scientists are trying to figure out exactly what caused the impact... Some say it was a meteor

In other news...... Louie Anderson has just recently discovered that he's lactose intolerant .

or


And now today's news.... A dairy farmer in California found a sea lion amongst his cows earlier this morning. Scientists are now completely reworking their theories on evolution... Dr. Munn Kee Mann, Director of Earth Sciences in Sacramento, said," It appears that our current primordial soup to frog to ape to man model , just took a left turn......We're now developing a soup to frog to ape to man to dairy farmer to cow to sea lion scenario."

In other news,.... This one comes from Orlando Florida...... Patrons at Sea World were shocked to find a cow balancing a beach ball on it's nose at the Sea Lion and Otter Show. The Sea world spokesman said that the show now takes a little longer since it takes the cow much more time to get up enough speed in the water.

Answer 2

Hello ladies and gentlemen! Whats wrong with some labels these days...geez...lets see here....AHA! Heres a label on a stouffers box...

"Cation. Might Be Hot After Cooked. Let Cool for 10 minutes"
Um...ya it might be hot, just might after its been baking in the oven at over 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes....but im not really sure.

Ok heres another. This one is on a electric hair dryer
"Danger. DO NOT put in water while in operation. An electric shock might occer."
Um....ok....what kind of idiot would put an electric hair dryer in water even out of operation. Oh...yeah...an electric shock just might occer. it might not. Oh, and when it does, make sure you have some rubber gloves that can take like 30 amps of electricity magnified by water.

Ok Last one...great! this is from a laundry detergent.
"Caution. Might cause sickness or death if swallowed. Contact Poison Control Center if swallowed"
Ok...where is the number for the Poison Control Center? Um...and anyways...i would be calling 911 instead of the Poison Control Center. Ok...
You: Hello? is this the Poison Control Center?
Poison Control Center: Yes.
You: My son just drank some laundry detergent. (you know how lame that sounds?
Poison Control Center: Oh...thats not good! (no sh.. lady!)
You: So...what should I do?
Poison Control Center: Well, you must act quikly.
You: Okay, he is choking and coughing up something liquidish on the floor.
Poison Control Center: Hmmmm...lemme check the database for some pointers....this may take a miunute.....................................or two...................
You: O MY GOSH HE IS SPASING OUT! WHUT DO I DO?
Poison Control Center: Oh crap, this is not my lucky day (so is the kid dying on the floor). Ok, um...give him some water. Then tell him to drink the water (what else could you do with water in this kind of situation, splash it on him to ease his pain?)
You: Ok...ITS NOT WORKING!!
Poison Control Center: *under her breath* o....i and clueless........*loudly again* Let me redirect you...
You: *crying* He....he...he's dead!

Wow...just call 911, he can even get an ambulance and get to trained professionals at a hospital. In like half the time that Poison Control Center person took freaking out herself/himself.

Thats all for today! Im *your name* signing out.

Answer 3

If tin whistles are made of tin,
What do they make fog horns out of.

It sunflower oil is made from sunflowers,
What do they make baby oil out of.

Answer 4

If you love me tonight,
Will you still love me in the morning.

Answer 5

yes?