Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for the first time.
Over by the store, a woman was yelling up a blue streak at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure has your number."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."

2007-09-25 07:20:35 · 5 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

2007-09-25 06:57:36 · 19 answers · asked by puma 4

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

2007-09-25 06:54:56 · 20 answers · asked by puma 4

Wave at him!


tee hee...sorry..couldn't resist

2007-09-25 06:54:28 · 5 answers · asked by Melanie 5

scientific Study (Very interesting)

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye, and a cricket stump up his a*se.

true or false girls!!

2007-09-25 06:44:51 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with

the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really

get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

2007-09-25 06:42:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

2007-09-25 06:38:42 · 17 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

2007-09-25 06:13:44 · 5 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

WILL you star me 4 this???

The wife and the bull !

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.

“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”

The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says,

“Hey, was it all with the same cow, i doubt it?”

good day!!!

2007-09-25 06:02:45 · 5 answers · asked by Changed4the Better :-i 2

A guy buys 100 acres in texas and decides to start a cattle ranch.After buying a few coys he decides to attend the local cattlemans association meeting.
He wanders up to a tall fellow wearing a ten gallon hat and strikes up a conversation.

Rancher . How do,mister you a cattle farmer
Tall man . Yep
Rancher . Me too,Got many cows
Tall Man . Yep
Rancher . Yep me too,How big a spread you got
Tall man . Well partner I can get in my truck and ride all day and not reach the other side.
Rancher . You know I use to have a truck like that.

2007-09-25 05:56:14 · 2 answers · asked by wcs_n_ms 2

"I am not a tree, nor a slave, nor an Envelope, nor a bed, nor a knight. who am i?"

This is a riddle in a game I'm trying to solve... I have no idea what the answer is. Any ideas? ^_^;

2007-09-25 05:47:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are we never going to see her on a bus again ?

2007-09-25 05:08:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

first one who'll get the closest to my answer will get 10 pts.

2007-09-25 05:01:16 · 12 answers · asked by rikku069 3

Heard the one about the old couple.

It seems this young cop was patrolling a lovers lane, when he came upon an old couple getting it on, on top of a fence. He was to embarrassed to stop them so he just waited till they finished. But they didn’t stop. They just kept on going and going. It was like they were committing a violent act. Finally they fell of the fence and the cop went over to talk to them. He said to them, “You guys put on quite a show, but you should be doing this at home not out here”. The old man replied. Yeah we know, but it was our 60th anniversary and we wanted to do it just like we did so long ago.

The only difference was, that damn fence wasn’t electric 60 year ago.

2007-09-25 03:13:34 · 13 answers · asked by Abel O 2

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"

2007-09-25 03:02:21 · 13 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

2007-09-25 02:44:52 · 23 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

HOW MANY WERE GOING TO FORUM?

2007-09-25 02:38:23 · 29 answers · asked by Cheery 1

each person should write in the next line of the song.

best answer will correspond with the amount of stars, e.g. if i get 5 stars, the fifth person to answer will get 10 points!


Off we go!

"Poor old Johnny Ray..."

2007-09-25 02:36:43 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe
it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

2007-09-25 02:35:37 · 10 answers · asked by stayc 4

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.


He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

2007-09-25 02:10:33 · 12 answers · asked by Tammie 4

The blind school set off on their annual day outing to the beach.
When dinner time arrived the teachers decide that it was time to
eat. So the coach pulled into a service station.Everybody got off
of the coach to stretch their legs and admire the scenery. While the
teachers are taking the blind kids orders, one of the teachers noticed
that the group were becoming bored, so he took a ball out for them
to have a game of football with.(They play with a ball with a bell in it.)

The teachers start them off with a game of football on the grassy
area, then they go to get the food for the group. While the
teachers are at the supermarket the coach driver comes running
in.The teachers ask what's wrong. He tells them to get back to the
group because the students are kicking the of **** out of the morris
dancers.

2007-09-25 01:44:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'd like to take the day off from school because I'm very tired. How do I ask her?

2007-09-25 01:43:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher with no mind am I,
I tell the truth yet often lie,
Countless ladies I do date,
Their wands of light control my fate!

2007-09-25 01:38:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

blonde1 laughing at blonde2 in an ATM:"haha I've seen your password"
blonde2:"What is it?"
blonde1:"It's ****"
blonde2:"No you got it wrong its 3384.."

2007-09-25 01:33:53 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

Two blondes walked into a bar, you think one of them wouldnt have seen it!

2007-09-25 01:24:35 · 12 answers · asked by Derek B 1

I got told this joke and unless im bein proper special, i cant quite get my head round it.
Whats the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same.
Anyone enlighten me???

2007-09-25 00:34:43 · 23 answers · asked by Mr V 2

This isn't new but it makes me laugh.

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender
1) Ziploc Bags are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A tire is male because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A hot air balloon is male because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges are female because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A web page is female because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A subway is male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) A hammer is male because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
9) A remote control is female . Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you? But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

2007-09-25 00:11:43 · 21 answers · asked by Oregon 3

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

2007-09-25 00:04:04 · 8 answers · asked by Cartman 2

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:


Here honey, you use the remote.


You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.


Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!


While I'm up, can I get you anything?


Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?


Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?


Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.


Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.


We never talk anymore

2007-09-25 00:02:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

What object has keys that open no locks, space but not room, and you can enter but not go in?

2007-09-24 23:34:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous