Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

2007-09-26 11:12:58 · 15 answers · asked by ian h 3

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. Isn't that nice!" After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, "You could learn from this one!"

They reach the last bull, whose owner is stroking the massive beast's head. "How many times has your bull mated this year?" asks the wife.

"This here's the pride of the County: 365 times, ma'am."

The wife's jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. "Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!"

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, "Hey, was it all with the same cow?"

2007-09-26 11:01:05 · 9 answers · asked by ian h 3

A really drunk woman walks into a bar. She sits down at the bar and yells, "Heyyyy tenderbar, give me a tinimar, with a pickle on top."

The bartender gives her a drink, she drinks it down, and then goes, "Ahhh, heartburn."

Again, the drunk woman says, "Heyyyy tenderbar, give me a tinimar, with a pickle on top."

Again, she drinks the drink and says, "Ahhh, heartburn."

This goes on a couple more times when, finally, the bartender gets fed up. The drunk woman tries to order another drink, but the bartender says, "Look lady, it's not tenderbar, it's bartends; it's not a tinimar, it's a martini; it's not a pickle, it's an olive; and it's not heartburn you have, your left t*t is hanging in the ashtray!"

2007-09-26 10:58:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do men get smarter when having sex???

because there plugged into a genius!!!

2007-09-26 10:32:02 · 6 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger.

There is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins aren’t from England nor French fries from France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham.

The plural of tooth is teeth, but the plural of booth is not beeth.

The plural of goose is geese, but the plural of moose is not meese.

You can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers teach and preachers preach, why does a teacher taught, but no preacher ever praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

People recite at plays and play at recitals.

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

How can we have noses that run and feet that smell?

Why is a slim chance and a fat chance the same thing?

A wise man is the opposite of a wise guy.

Your house burns up as it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm goes off when it's on.

Why doesn’t Buick rhyme with quick?

2007-09-26 09:19:58 · 30 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

???

2007-09-26 08:43:48 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Erica♥ 4

The dog, of course. Once you let him in he will shut up.

2007-09-26 08:11:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-26 07:59:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

he gets off the bar stool and falls flat on his face. " Bloody hell " he says " I didn't think I had drunk so much" he tries to get up but can't, he crawls to the door and pulls himself up on it, opens it and falls flat on his face again. He only lives 50yds from the pub so he decides to crawl all the way home. Gets there, crawls into bed, luckily with out wakening the wife. In the morning his wife says "You were down the pub last night and you came home drunk again" "How did you know?" he said " The barman just rang me he said you left your wheelchair there again."

2007-09-26 07:41:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be "on a woman." The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

2007-09-26 07:35:58 · 2 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

16. IF THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I'M NOT GOING!
17. I ONLY EAT CHOCOLATE FOR YOU, SO THERE WILL BE MORE OF ME TO LOVE.
18. DO NOT DISTURB: CHOCOLATE FANTASY IN PROGRESS.
19. THE BEST OVER-THE-COUNTER PRESCRIPTION TO PERK YOU UP IS CHOCOLATE.
20. DON'T SEND ME ROSES, UNLESS THEY ARE CHOCOLATE!
21. THERE ARE TWO FOOD GROUPS: CHOCOLATE AND FRUIT. AND IF IT IS FRUIT, IT SHOULD BE DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE.
22. THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE'S ANONYMOUS BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO QUIT.
23. WHO SAYS CHOCOLATE ISN'T A FOOD GROUP!!
24. ONE OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES IS HOW A TWO-POUND BOX OF CANDY CAN MAKE A PERSON GAIN FIVE POUNDS.
25. TAKE ANOTHER DEEP BREATH, AND DO WITHOUT THAT CHOCOLATE CAKE! NOT!
26. SAVE EARTH. IT'S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.
27. IN THE COOKIES OF LIFE, FRIENDS ARE THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS.
28. LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. . . FULL OF NUTS.
29. THOSE CALORIE-FREE SWEETS TASTE GREAT DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE!

2007-09-26 07:03:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-26 06:45:07 · 10 answers · asked by ash 2

2007-09-26 06:44:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ''sunny beach''...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

2007-09-26 06:41:51 · 12 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

think abt it its easy

2007-09-26 06:08:22 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

2007-09-26 05:31:33 · 13 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral --- I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

2007-09-26 05:19:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road,
hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time
passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could
hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and
stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too
scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car
was
approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started
to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go
off
the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural
experience.


A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we
wuz pushin it in the rain."

2007-09-26 05:08:03 · 4 answers · asked by Stefanie K 2

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

What happens if you put the "this side up" side face down while popping microwave popcorn?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

And finally -- What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

2007-09-26 05:02:50 · 5 answers · asked by dark is rising 3

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

2007-09-26 05:01:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: You said the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to our attorney?
A: No, this is how I usually dress for work.

2007-09-26 05:00:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Harold.........
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.

2007-09-26 04:46:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

s*x so good that your neighbors had a ciggarette?

2007-09-26 04:41:01 · 4 answers · asked by foxxybabe0430 4

2007-09-26 04:07:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his a**e!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It f*****g hurts doesn't it!"

2007-09-26 03:57:14 · 28 answers · asked by Raj 4

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years -
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 10
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together - How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still
tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

2007-09-26 03:05:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Your a*s is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your org**ms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's a*s if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pub*c area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency cr*tch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.

2007-09-26 02:58:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-26 02:38:40 · 5 answers · asked by robert c 3

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

2007-09-26 02:19:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Went into my local branch of sandwich makes Subway.

There was two young woman about 18- 19 yo in front of me, and the member of staff asked one of them if she wanted a 6 inch or 12 inch piece of bread?

She said "6 inchs please, as that's all I can take?" trying not to laugh.

But she brust out laughing and had tears in eyes when I was asked the same question.

I said "12 inchies please as I was not bending mine in half for anyone?"

Had the shop in a uproar.

Tut Tut ! Naughty minds.

2007-09-26 02:06:11 · 14 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6