Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

2007-09-27 06:39:05 · 23 answers · asked by caggersnlea 2

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

2007-09-27 06:24:02 · 23 answers · asked by stef_w 2

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls
and wooden boys do.

As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something
was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the
matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're
probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love
you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he
went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When
Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed
his dilemma to Gepetto.

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he
suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's
relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked
Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore
assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades
sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When
he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had
in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going
pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" and Pinocchio replied:

"Girls, who needs girls?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

2007-09-27 06:09:49 · 29 answers · asked by caggersnlea 2

2007-09-27 06:05:29 · 30 answers · asked by Smurfette 5

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Mike was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret named "DaVinci's Decadent Dance Den" and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Mike aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee, helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

2007-09-27 06:05:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is actually a real math problem from my text book and I just wanted to see how many people could figure it out. I was never good at math so of course I had problems understanding how they came to their conclusion.

2007-09-27 05:42:54 · 19 answers · asked by Megan Loves Ivy 1

An Irish man was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of the road. On his first day he painted 8 miles, on his second day he painted 3 miles, and on his third day he painted just one mile. The boss was not pleased. He asked him, "why is it that you are painting less each day?"

"Because each day I get further away from the can of paint."

2007-09-27 05:39:26 · 26 answers · asked by megawale 2

well here is a joke to cheer you up



Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

2007-09-27 05:39:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

think of any 1 number and a vegatable
and scroll down
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was it seven and carrot?
am i wrong? right? respond below,
also if you see anything similar on the internet before, please provide a link. thank you.

2007-09-27 05:30:33 · 4 answers · asked by Honor 2

Why does the blonde nurse take a red pen to work everyday?

















- In case she needs to draw blood


It's just a joke have a good day friends

2007-09-27 05:19:05 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If she can't afford a washer, she'll probably never make enough to support you.

2007-09-27 05:14:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

last nite i went for a drink at a bistro,i ask for a glass of beer,the bartender just serves me with a small glass of beer,i finish it untill a bottle i drank,i ask for MORE BEER please?the bartender just ignore me,but he tell me something....


can you guess the answer?

2007-09-27 05:12:39 · 6 answers · asked by bens_Remp-it 1

When they learn to walk down the street bald headed with a beer gut and think they are sexy

2007-09-27 05:10:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Never lie to your Mother---Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful was Jennifer, Brian's roommate. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I am only roommates." About a week later, Jennifer said to Brian, "Since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." Therefore, he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take

2007-09-27 04:43:42 · 10 answers · asked by ♥SaLz♥ 4

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

"Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

2007-09-27 04:39:47 · 12 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-09-27 04:29:22 · 9 answers · asked by Roxy 3

2007-09-27 04:24:47 · 12 answers · asked by hello world 7

Abdul and Paddy are begging outside a railway station. Abdul has a Mercedes, a large house and is loaded, Paddy has **** all. Abduls begging hat is overflowing with with numerous notes but Paddy has just a few coppers in his. "How do you do it?" asks Paddy. "Look at your sign" says Abdul. Paddys sign reads "Out of work, wife and 6 kids to support, please help". Paddy then looks at Abduls sign which says "I only need another £20 to get back to Pakistan".

2007-09-27 03:56:24 · 11 answers · asked by J S 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQWaU_VfKic

2007-09-27 03:50:39 · 3 answers · asked by rev. jay mccain ( . ) ( . ) 3

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says,

Do you know me?' To which she replies,

'Yes of course, you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
'No, she replies calmly...... I'm your son's teacher

2007-09-27 03:49:45 · 23 answers · asked by grassmonkeys 4

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
"Honey," he hollered into the bathroom,
"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."

2007-09-27 03:43:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"If i died, would you remarry?" asked the wife.
"Probably would," came the reply.
"And would you let her be your golfing partner?"
"Yes, I think so."
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?"
"Oh no. She's left-handed."

2007-09-27 03:09:40 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing
that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-
foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure
asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "Oh, about a thousand feet, I think... unless
somebody remembers to lock the gate at night!"
_

2007-09-27 02:55:50 · 7 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's sc****d is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been sc*****g the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."

"SOB!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

2007-09-27 02:55:25 · 15 answers · asked by Raj 4

I know that the moon affects the tides and other stuff and I know that it is where the word lunacy and lunatic come from but you personally are you affected by the moon? Do you feel differently on days like this when the moon is full? Star me!

2007-09-27 02:39:31 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

Two married couples went away on holiday together to
Spain. At the end of the first week, they were bored to
tears, and one of the husbands suggested that they swap
partners to try and liven things up a bit. They all agreed it
was worth a try. The following morning, the husband who had suggested the exchange said, 'I'm glad we tried this. It was fun. Let's go and see how the girls got on.'

2007-09-27 02:36:40 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Speaks 3 Languages trilingual and a person who speaks 2 languages bilingual what do you call a person who speaks one language?








AMERICAN! LOL

2007-09-27 02:35:26 · 10 answers · asked by Jared G 5

Needs a scientist to fine out the answer.

2007-09-27 02:31:28 · 8 answers · asked by MD 1

The man next to him says " Do you know you farted in front of my wife" " Sorry " said the man " I didn't know it was her turn"

2007-09-27 02:12:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-27 02:10:57 · 3 answers · asked by r l 1