Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Guess what .

2007-09-28 07:04:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Go for the juggler!

2007-09-28 06:57:40 · 3 answers · asked by moonbow 6

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.

"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

2007-09-28 06:53:57 · 14 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde tourist. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, “You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?" "No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"

2007-09-28 06:52:53 · 3 answers · asked by Luiz Sabra 7

The first 3 in the team got knocked out (Tom was particularly clever, but got knocked out on a very difficult question in "sudden death"). Dan was lucky with his questions, and didn't even have to go to "sudden death" to win his round, but he was such a pratt!!!

They won the money on guess work, and then Dan went on to say how they had had 3 bad rounds to start off with....which meant that his 3 pals had played badly and he had played well. Tom had actually answered more questions correctly than him in his round, but was unlucky that the egghead got his questions right!

Usually I am on the side of the challengers, but tonight I was hoping the eggheads would win. This guy is going to be even more insufferable from now on!!!

Did anyone else see it?

2007-09-28 06:47:40 · 6 answers · asked by Copper 4

Because of my jokes the last couple of days some of the women here have used the phrase Male Chauvinist Pig. So, I think a pig joke is in order.

The cityslicker, looking into the pen, asked the farmer,"Why does that pig only have three legs"?
"That is a great pig", replied the farmer. "Two weeks ago, our house caught on fire and my wife was overcome by smoke. The pig smelled the smoke and tore the gate off his pen and drug her to safety, saving her life"
The cityslicker agreed." That is a great pig. But, why does he only have three legs"
"That's right" the farmer answered. "He is a great pig. Last week I was fishing in the lake and fell in. With all my equipment I couldn't swim out. The pig heard me call and tore of the new pen gate, ran diown the the lake and pulled me out, saving my life"
Again the cityslicker agreed. "That is a great pig. But you still haven't told me why he only has three legs"
"A great pig like that. You don't expect me to eat him all at once, do you?

2007-09-28 06:34:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Greek father calls his son a couple of days before Christmas and says, "Niko, I hate to ruin your day, but I must tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Mba mba, what are you talking about?" Niko screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, We're sick of
each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Toula and let her know."

Frantic, the son calls Toula, who explodes on the phone."No way are my loving parents getting divorced!" she shouts.

She calls Dad immediately and screams - - "Patera, you are not getting divorced! Don't do anything until we get there. I'm calling Niko back and we'll be there tomorrow. Do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Endaxi,"
he says,"they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way."

2007-09-28 06:30:06 · 5 answers · asked by miki 3

Dumb blonde moments?
i am so sick of ppl saying i have blonde moments and what makes it worse is im a black girl ..lol i think its funny i laugh all the time about it my hubby says it and so do my sisters ill tell you a blonde moment i had and and i would like for some of you to share blonde momenst you have had also please i need a good laugh about now....

ok i wanted to know how the moon was a half a moon and how it could do that but i didnt want him to make fun of me for asking and i started to ask but b4 i did i was like wait do you think your moons a half a moon to..? and right after i asked i thought about what i just said and couldnt stop laughing theres more and there so funny so ladies dont be embarrassed lets hear yours ..lmao

2007-09-28 06:20:01 · 10 answers · asked by khissmyputtytat 3

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park .What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
My dress size, you dumb ***!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is still might get it wrong!!

2007-09-28 06:18:04 · 4 answers · asked by miki 3

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

2007-09-28 06:14:47 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-09-28 05:42:14 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
1. No taxes
2. No debt
3. Plenty buffalo
4. Plenty beaver
5. Women did all the work
6. Medicine man free
7. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

2007-09-28 05:34:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-28 04:59:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out

star if funny

2007-09-28 04:49:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Adown the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


……………..bonus lame joke
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

2007-09-28 02:38:06 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

This is a clue for smart people only………….
Einstein wrote this clue himself in the last century, he said that 98% of earth’s people could not resolve it.
1- There are 5 houses with different colors
2- Every house is occupied by a person of different nationality
3- Every person like to drink his own drink and smoke his own brand and keeps his own pet
4- Neither of these persons drink the same drink or smoke the same brand or keep a similar pet.
Details:
1- The British lives in a red house
2- Swedish has a dog
3- Denmark drinks tea
4- The green house is on the left side of the white house
5- The person who lives in the green house drinks coffee
6- The one who smokes Palmdale has a bird
7- The one who lives in the middle house drinks milk
8- The one lives in the yellow house smokes Dunhill
9- The Norwegian lives in the first house
10- The one who smokes Marlboro resides next to the one who has a cat
11- The one who has a horse lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill
12- The one who smokes Winnfield likes to drink beer
13- The Norwegian resides in a house next to the blue house
14- The Germanium smokes Rothmans
15- The one who smokes Marlboro has a neighbor who drinks water

Required:
Define the house color, nationality of people, drinks and the brand of smoke for every person
Who is having the pet “ fish”?
Note: there is no trick in this clue, but just logical thinking. The one who resolve this clue he’ll be the smart guy among the 2% in this world.

2007-09-28 02:21:15 · 9 answers · asked by My-E 3

Chunky-dunk

(It's a joke, I thought it was CUTE so no YELLING at me)

2007-09-28 01:57:38 · 25 answers · asked by Vwgirl18 4

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.'

The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'

2007-09-27 22:29:33 · 13 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

2007-09-27 22:28:43 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

2007-09-27 22:26:26 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

they got into the bushes and found 2 horses, "Hey compadre, look 2 horses, here and alone." "I see compadre." Says the other guy. "Let get e truck in the morning to take them with us." says the 2nd guy. "OK" syas the 1st one "But how we will recognaze who's horse is each?" Asked one of them "Ok compadre, I'll cut a little of this horse's ear and this one is mine, Got it?" "Ok compadre" During the night the cut horse bit the other one in the same ear and both got the a cut in the same ear. In the morning the guys meet and talk "Maldita vaina compadre, I couldn't get a truck for today, but I'll try for tomorrow." "Ok, don't worry" Says the other guy "But let take a look of the horses then." "Good idea compadre" and there they went. Once with the horses one guy says to the other, "Malditisima vaina compadre, both got a cut in the left ear, What we gonna do now?" "Don't worry compadre" says the other guy, "I'll cut the right ear to this one and that's it, the one with both ears cut is mine

2007-09-27 22:15:56 · 2 answers · asked by Javy 7

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)
2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be give a thought)
3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)
4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that
stuff? (very good thinking)
5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)
6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)
7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant somethingelse)
8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)
9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)
10.Can you get cornered in a round room?
11.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)
12.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

2007-09-27 22:08:30 · 12 answers · asked by vaneeta k 1

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes could be a bit cr*de. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself
."

2007-09-27 20:59:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Wh*re House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "*p" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started r**ping her clothes off and going to town.

M**ning and gr**ting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

2007-09-27 20:57:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once, a g*y man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the g*y man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the g*y man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the g*y guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The g*y guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the g*y guy straight to hell.

2007-09-27 20:53:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-27 19:23:55 · 10 answers · asked by colin h 2

2007-09-27 14:57:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

If I have gas should I play hop scotch

2007-09-27 13:47:03 · 8 answers · asked by alex o 2

After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Eminence,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something happens?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” says the cop. “I mean really important.”

“Who you got there, the Mayor?” the chief asks.

“Bigger. Bigger than the governor or everyone else for that matter,” says the cop.

“Well, who is it?” asks the chief.

“I think it’s God!” says the cop.

“What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop answers: “He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!”

2007-09-27 12:59:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!



"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."

2007-09-27 12:56:50 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous