What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Question

Remember, you have to keep it clean or yahoo will censor you.

Answer 1

I'll give you one. It's hard to pick the best.........2 women in the afterlife. The first woman asks the other, "How did you die?" The second says, "I froze to death." The first woman ays, "That must have been terrible!" .....The second says, "Not really. At first I was really cold & then I just fell asleep. How did you die?" The second says, "Well, I always thought my husband was cheating on me, so I came home from work early one day. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, but I still didn't believe it. I ran down to the basement, up to the bedrooms......I checked all the closets, looked under the beds......finally I collaspsed with a heart attack.".........The first woman says, "Well, if you'd looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

Answer 2

This is long... but it's funny at the end... might make u happy for few sec :)


A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."


*If that still does not make you happy... u can check this video i come across while surfing...
http://somethingtolaugh.blogspot.com/

Answer 3

Past lives in Present

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me liberty, or give me Death”?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry 1775.”

“Very Good”! Who said “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? ”

Again, no response except for Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do”.

She heard a loud whisper. “Screw the Mexicans” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie. 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said. “I’m gonna puke”.

The teacher glares, and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Martinez says “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991″

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this! ”

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little ****. if you say anything I’ll kill you.”

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh ****, we’re in Big trouble!”

Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003″

Answer 4

HOW I GOT A BROKEN NOSE

Well the other day my wife and her ladies church group thought that they had a way to help me to stop drinking ,

so they dressed my wife up in a devil's costume and they waited down on the corner behind the big tree.

well as I was making my way home , I stumbled around the corner and out jumped the devil at me

well the devil said boo.....

I looked at him and said what .

the devil looked at me and said I'm the devil aren't you scared of me

I started to laugh and the devil said what s so funny

I told him it was about time he showed up .

I had been wanting to meet my wife's brother for years.

and that is how I got a broken nose.

Answer 5

Before you read my joke, you should bear in mind that i'm not trying to be rascist.

There was an american, chinese and australian men on a plane. But before they took off, they were told that the plane was too heavy and that each person had to throw something off the plane. So the american throws away his guns, saying that he has plenty of them at home. The chinese man throws away his rice, saying that he has plenty of it at home. Then the australian man thinks to himself, "We have plenty of these at home" and throws out the chinese man.

Answer 6

ok.

so there are three triplets and their birthday is coming up...
so they ask their mom if the can have their boyfriends' over...

and the mom goes 'yea sure, y not?'

finally, when the boyfreinds arrived the each took their boyfriends
and went straight up to their room
[they each had their own]
the mom was nosy so she went and overheard

triplet #1-was giggling
triplet #2-was crying
triplet #3-was VERY quiet

finally the boyfriends left and their mom was dying inside with curiosity so she asked the first triple::
so why were you giggling??
-because "it" tickeled, she answered
then the mom went and asked the second triplet why were you crying??
-because "it" hurt, she answered
then the mom goes to the third triplet and asked her why were you sooo quiet??
-because you taught me to NEVER speak with my mouth full!!!

okay...
the joke is over.
did like it?

Answer 7

ok.....

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

“Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah, please.”

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts again “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “Over here… on your porch swing





Here's another one
it's funnier than the last one




So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

Answer 8

Adam And Eve were sitting peacefully in the garden enjoying the beautiful day, when god approached them bearing two gifts."I have two gifts for you two to decide appon." god says." The first is, Strength and agility, and athletecism"

Adam thinks to himself, wow that would be great i can be strong and upbeat all day. so he says" oh please god, please let me have it that would be the greatest gift, i gave up a rib please let me have it please!"

god replies "ok adam you can have it."

adam looks at god and said, "oh thank you thank you, Uhm what did eve get."

god replies" oh i Almost forgot, eve your gift is multiple orgasms..."

Answer 9

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a scream! If you've already seen this, sorry...if not, get ready to laugh!

(Note: PLEASE take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge (Frank) is even better)

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Entry: Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2 Entry: Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Entry: Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Entry: Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Entry: Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Entry: Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Entry: Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it...I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Entry: Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?