Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Why is Jesus ONLY defender of the weak? I mean, after all he's done for us, shouldn't he AT LEAST be defender of the month?

2007-09-29 17:16:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Unfortunatly, this joke will not fit in 1000 characters so I will need to tell it in two parts:

Part One:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

2007-09-29 17:13:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

At a toy store he asked the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answered, "Which one? We Have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asked: " Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the Others only $19.95?"

Annoyed, the salesman answered:
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer,
and
Ken's Best Friend........

2007-09-29 16:48:58 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

A blonde & a burnetter was talking.
The blonde said, " My boyfriend has dandruff problems, I tried everything & it still doesn't work."
The burnette said, " I gave my boyfriend Head & Shoulders."
The blonde said, " I know how to give head, but how do i give shoulders?"





Star if it's funny. (:

2007-09-29 16:16:41 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

brad and angelina
http://www.thecelebrityblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/Angelina_Jolie%20and%20Brad%20Pitt.jpg
cruise and holmes
http://www.theblogyoulovetohate.com/images/large/tom%20cruise/Tom%20and%20Katie%20NYC%204.jpg

2007-09-29 16:10:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
(more to come in a minute)

2007-09-29 15:49:56 · 9 answers · asked by That Gay Guy for Da Ben Dan 5

whats a good yo mama joke? i got some good ones too. i dont care what it has. the best gets best

2007-09-29 15:47:34 · 10 answers · asked by Jon 5

........ have your head replaced with a potato (fully functional just rediculouse looking) or have your arms from the elbow down replaced with carrots (can pick up things, write, cannot type, and use phone, or other things with big buttons). I already i kno im retarded so dont state the obviouse please.

2007-09-29 14:55:02 · 11 answers · asked by williebaznj 2

its to a racist nascar fan and it lasts for 9.25mins but its worth it lol.

2007-09-29 14:23:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, no joke, my priest told us a joke. He and the other priests from our parish live on a small ranch together and they had a rat problem, they were always around and all over the place being pests. they did not know what to do since they were all catholic priests and did not believe in killing the creatures.
Then finally one of them said "I got it, let's baptize them and then they will only come by a couple times a year!"

2007-09-29 14:11:48 · 10 answers · asked by Curly 3

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

2007-09-29 14:09:55 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

2007-09-29 13:52:20 · 18 answers · asked by EmperoR 1

A college professor was giving a lecture on 'involuntary muscle contractions' and decided to lighten the mood by making the subject more interesting. He asked a female student "Do you know what your ar5ehole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"
She answered.."Probably fishing with his mates."

2007-09-29 13:36:11 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Getting up in the night requires shoes, and a flashlight!

2007-09-29 13:31:05 · 8 answers · asked by ChuckDeucez 6

and their owner, a little old lady was very upset. A neighbour suggested she take them to a taxidermist to have them 'preserved'. So she did.
The taxidermist examined the both monkeys and after noting down a few things asked the old lady if she wanted them stuffed and mounted.
"No," she replied, "just holding hands"

2007-09-29 13:20:21 · 9 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

and their owner, a little old lady was very upset. A neighbour suggested she take them to a taxidermist to have them 'preserved'. So she did.
The taxidermist examined the both monkeys and after noting down a few things asked the old lady if she wanted them stuffed and mounted.
"No," she replied, "just holding hands"

2007-09-29 13:18:29 · 5 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

My mom always bragged to her friends that I was going to grow up and become a great philosopher. When they asked her how they knew, she told them that I enjoyed Pla-to too much.

2007-09-29 12:55:04 · 6 answers · asked by Dan 2

throwing a bomb under a weelchair and shouting run for your life.

2007-09-29 12:52:08 · 9 answers · asked by Matthew'Aaron 2

throwing a brick through a window then asking for it back lol....

2007-09-29 12:41:35 · 8 answers · asked by Matthew'Aaron 2

Two tigers are stalking through a jungle in Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue, and licks the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turns and says, "Cut it out."

The rear tiger apologises, and they continue. Another five minutes pass, and again the front tiger feels the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turns, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, and angrily hisses, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replies, "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to offend you but I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

2007-09-29 12:34:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, who is sentencd to life imprisonment, decided to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel and finally finishes it. He decides to break out during the day, figuring that the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a pre-school playground.

He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"

At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "Big deal! I'm four!"

2007-09-29 12:31:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

insulting each other. The rest of the time they got on vert well with never a cross word. why did they argue every night?
hint: on saturday they argued(over the same thing) in the afternoon as well.

can anyone solve this riddle. thank you

2007-09-29 12:24:40 · 2 answers · asked by romancekenyota 2

Hink Pinks
1. A burglar alarm
2. A stable for a giraffe
3. A container for a banner
4. A wig

Hinky Pinkies
1. A mystery novel about a murder
2. A coffeemaker
3. A bird feeder

Hinkety Pinketies
1. An almanac
2. Peanut butter (or margarine, jelly etc)

Here are some examples
Chief of police (top cop)
A cowardly man (yellow fellow)
A moody person from China or Japan (temperamental oriental)
Thanks I hope someone can figure these answers out!

2007-09-29 11:30:02 · 9 answers · asked by beachgrl88 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa7PN-8T2VY

Explain:

1. What caused all the bright flashes of light?

2. What caused all the horizontal and rapid explosions so far
below the collapsing levels? (and please don't say it was
due to air pressure, because these look like focused point
source explosions, and this cannot possibly be caused by
built up air pressure, since this is not an "air tight" leak-proof
sealed environment, due to all the cracked ceilings and
damaged upper floors) - don't tell me you can inflate & pop
a balloon if the balloon has lots of leaks and holes in it!

3. What caused all the molten metal dripping out of the South
Tower? Melting point of steel = 1532 C, but the hottest
temperature that a jet fuel (kerosene) fire can reach, burning
in still or stationary air (not moving air) is only 250 C. And
don't say this is molten aluminium ( melts at 600 C).
Why do steel or Al frying pans not melt?

2007-09-29 11:23:42 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

help me off this ladder?

2007-09-29 11:18:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, Superman was making his rounds through the city of Metropolis, hovering above its skyline. Suddenly, his super-auditory senses picked up an argument from a couple. He swooped down to check what it was. He asked the man how long he's been married.
The guy answers, "Twenty-five years, Superman! Twenty-five years!"
Superman replies, "Wow! Twenty-five!? I--I can't believe it! And to think they call me 'Superman'!"

2007-09-29 11:13:07 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two six year old little boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses, but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat down in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair, ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "What happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

2007-09-29 10:58:41 · 11 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son. It was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.
If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

2007-09-29 10:57:23 · 15 answers · asked by pd6491 2

your birthday month:
jan. I ate
feb.I melted
mar.I shot
apr.I killed
may.I attacked
june.I danced
jul.I drowned
aug.I smashed
sep.I stole
oct.I kissed
nov.I robbed
dec.I wrestled

the day of your birthday:
1.a dog
2.my grandma
3.a spoon
4.a bank
5.shoes
6.your car
7.your mom
8.a house
9.homer simpson
10.a crown
11.a dragon
12.3 queens
13.a zebra
14.a spicy jalapeño
15.a short guy
16.a fat lady
17.a book
18.a purple moose
19.a 10 foot chicken
20.elmo
21.a bald old man
22.the school
23.a clown
24.barney
25.the world
26.a penguin
27.a can of beer
28.tom cruise
29.a castle
30.my brain
31.your toothbrush

the color shirt you're wearing:
red:on the live tv
orange:at tiffany's
yellow:on the moon
green:at noon
blue: on a golf course
purple: with a street bum
white: while eating cookies
black:because i'm queen of the world!
pink:because the bunny said so
polka dots:cause i'm so sexy
stripes:cause i got got drunk

what did u get?

2007-09-29 10:28:59 · 54 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

2007-09-29 10:23:18 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous