Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

My guy friend is super skinny and I am a little chubby. We are always making fun of each other about it and I thought it would be funny to give him a fat nickname. Have any ideas?

2007-09-30 06:19:45 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some times can`t get to answer. Why?? :{

2007-09-30 05:24:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i just ate a bug? umm ffreak??

2007-09-30 03:41:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here Is a touch one.

Here is a riddle:
I am greater then god
I am more evil then the devil
Poor people have it
Rich people need it
what is it?
This you know? Answer it... 10 point for best answer!
To find out the answer by e-mailing me : hilaryduff85@hotmail.com

2007-09-30 03:29:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you 10 inchs, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years, just waiting for a man that long
that I grew strong
and I knew that I could take you on...

but there you are
another lie
i was ready for a big mac
and you brought me a french fry
I should've known that it was b****t
just a sad pathetic dream
should've known
there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans

GO on now walk, walk out the door

2007-09-30 03:24:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have this act I must do, it's for my occupation as a comedian. How do I start? How do I know if I'm funny? How do I relieve stress when I get up there? How and what are some good ideas in a stand-up that are NOT copies from another? And tell me... if I'm high??? Oh god Jesus please help me cause I'm Azn.

2007-09-30 03:16:06 · 4 answers · asked by Henry S 1

Once there was a family who were given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was they were eating.
"Is it beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope"
"Is it pork?" The son Willie asked.
"Nope"
"Heck, we don't know Dad", Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your Mum sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out," Willie cried to Katie, "We're eating ***hole".

2007-09-30 02:23:07 · 24 answers · asked by moonbow 6

You are driving at speed.

on your left is a sheer drop,

on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig, the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level, also travelling the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly, dangerous situation?







Get of the childrens merry go round, you drunken lout.

2007-09-30 02:03:28 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good:Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad:You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly:Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly:You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad:He's a cross-dresser.Ugly: He looks better than you
Good:Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly:So are you
Good:Giving the birds & bees talk to your daughter.Bad:She keeps interrupting. Ugly:With corrections
Good:Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good:The postman's early. Bad:He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47. Ugly:You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good:Your daughter got a new job. Bad:As a hooker
Ugly : Your coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Good:You're son is dating someone new. Bad:It's another man. Ugly:He's your best friend.

2007-09-30 01:26:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

to answer an advertisement for a handymans position. The interview went like this :-
Houseowner : Are you good at gardening?
Irishman : No Sir, I'm totally useless at it.
Houseowner : What about painting and decorating?
Irishman : No Sir, I'm totally useless at it.
Houseowner : Well, I assume you can drive?
Irishman : No Sir, I've never driven in my life.
Houseowner : Well, what about plumbing or electrical work?
Irishman : No Sir, I'm totally useless at it.
Houseowner : So, you can't drive or do the gardening, you can't do plumbing or electrics, and you can't do painting and decorating! So what makes you think you're so handy?
Irishman : Well Sir, I only live round the corner!

2007-09-30 01:24:32 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3

a guy walks past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting thirteen thirteen thirteen, quite curious about this, he finds a hole on the fence and looks in. someone inside pokes him in the eye then everyone starts chanting fourteen fourteen fourteen

2007-09-30 01:09:35 · 21 answers · asked by Tamara D 4

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

2007-09-30 00:36:29 · 8 answers · asked by explorer 1

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

2007-09-29 23:27:14 · 2 answers · asked by Fallen&Broken 5

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-09-29 23:24:59 · 7 answers · asked by Fallen&Broken 5

2 muffins are in an oven.
One muffin says:
"WOW, isn't it hot in here!"
The other muffin says:
"WOW, a talking muffin!"

im not sure why i like this joke

2007-09-29 23:08:34 · 16 answers · asked by Moooo! 3

how did the blonde break her leg whilst raking the leaves,




she fell out of the tree ......boom boom .....

2007-09-29 22:52:01 · 21 answers · asked by casha1 6

2007-09-29 22:40:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't report me, it's just a joke.

2007-09-29 22:36:24 · 8 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

2007-09-29 22:00:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man and his son had an accident, the man died and his son rushed to the hospital, the attending doctor arrived and said...
"this is my son".. question: who is the doctor???

2007-09-29 21:25:53 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ skeepee ♥ 3

One more to laught at.....old people r funny!!!!!? sorry had to be done!!!!!star me.if u like it..

. A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

2007-09-29 21:18:44 · 8 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

did you hear that foot and mouth has been found in scotland???
now there trying to find the rest of colin mcrae

2007-09-29 21:13:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

2007-09-29 20:36:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-29 19:11:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine is....

Cowpi.

2007-09-29 18:37:31 · 12 answers · asked by Victoria 1

he was charged with battery

2007-09-29 18:16:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have gotten out today."

2007-09-29 18:12:35 · 7 answers · asked by secretrainbow89 3

The Devil meets him and says. " O.J. , I have been so busy I don't have your room ready, but I have a few people who weren't as bad as you who I can let you trade places with. I'll even let you choose who I release so you can take their place.

Go down that hall and open doors until you find one you want to trade with."

So O.J. starts down the hall and opens the 1st door. Inside is Ted Kennedy jumping off a bridge and swimming to shore, jumping and swimming, over and over...O.J. says " I'm a poor swimmer I can't do that for eternity." and moves to the next door. He opens the 2nd door and sees Al Gore with a sponge scrubbing a big SUV, behind that one is a thousand more muddy SUV's. O.J. says " I have a bad shoulder, I can't wash all those cars" So he moves on. He opens the 3rd door and there is Bill Clinton lying on a bed , buck naked. and between his legs is Monica Lewenski. O.J. says to the Devil,"OK,this is good, I'll trade". The Devil says

" OK Monica you can go now"

2007-09-29 18:07:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

bill

2007-09-29 17:44:15 · 9 answers · asked by zalltar_knows 2

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*st*rd," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

2007-09-29 17:35:26 · 6 answers · asked by CARL B 4