Jokes , Star if u like it ... !?

Question

Titanic ...

Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Blonde in the ship.

Italian : How far is land, from here ?

Blonde : Two miles ..

Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.

The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.

Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?

Blonde : Downwards ...
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“The exam will be over at 10 o’clock sharp and whoever fails to hand it in by that time may no longer hand it in!” says the professor.

At 10:10, a student runs to the professor’s desk holding out his exam.

“I said I wouldn’t accept any exam papers after the hour!!”

With an air of authority, the student asks, “Do you know whom you’re talking to?”

“No, I have no idea.”

Sticking his nose even higher in the air, the student repeats, “Are you positive?”

“Absolutely!”

The student then lifts the pile of papers and sticks his own right in the middle, shuffles them a little and says, “So find out…”
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”



The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing …. ........ ....She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’ .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick ‘.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘ Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

And The case was dismissed… .....!!!
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A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.


A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone is this???"
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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After
hours of effort he reached the lowest branch, jumped into the air
waving his front legs, and dropped to the ground. He slowly climbed the
tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.


The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on
a branch watched his efforts. Finally, the female bird turned
to her mate.


"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"


The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your
toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."


"Okay," says the son.


A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great
long eyelashes?"


"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert."


"Thanks Mom," replies the son.


After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great big humps on my back??"


His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water
for our long treks across the desert."


"That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store
water, but Mom..."


"Yes, son?"


"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

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Once in America a plane crashed,

only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.



Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Tying their belts"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Checking the system"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Serving the travelers"

Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Make up"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"

Officer: What were you doing?

Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !


No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
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I can't go to school today ...

"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is - What?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
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4 men - John, Tom, Timmy and Fred were being interviewed for a top job. With nothing to choose between them, the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.

The next morning, first up was John. "Here's your question," said the President, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" Without hesitation, he replied "A thought, because it takes no time at all." "Very good answer," said the President.

Next up was Tom, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. "A blink," replied Tom almost instantaneously, "cos you don't think about a blink. It's a reflex." "Good answer," replied the president.

Next was the Timmy, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. Timmy thought for a moment, "Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately." "That's a great answer," replied the president.

Finally, it was our Fred's turn. "What`s the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. Scratching his head Fred replied: " Diarrhea, because last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light....."
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Engineers Terminologies

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken

and they are all True , Notice that I trained at engineering Bureaus at summer vacation for 3 years .. = D
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.


For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"



The passenger apologized and said, " I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "


The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years ."
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I will add more later ... till then enjoy them ...

U got a cool avater Don , mine will look the same with glasses and longer hair .. = D

Answer 1

Amazing. You have patience!

Answer 2

here.. a star for u and gee thats alot of stuff to write... thanks.. so funny.. heres some advice...

if u have it all somewhere.. u can just cut and paste and ignore the whole word limit they have... good luck..

Answer 3

Well worth the read.

Answer 4

well the top few were kool .... sill in the proess of reading the others.... but nice tho...

Answer 5

<3 them all lol

Answer 6

I like them :-)

Answer 7

All these are funny.
Enjoy your star!!