Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-03 00:55:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can someone give me jokes? Any jokes, but I prefer long and funny ones.

2007-09-03 00:46:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. what do you call a bag of c*nts.
A. clitirus alsorts

2007-09-03 00:45:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you think he saw us

2007-09-03 00:40:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

bit lame i know but here goes....

Little Johnny's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnny was hard at work.

As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more.

This went on for weeks until Little Johnny proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents: an A in Math!

"Johnny! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Johnny shook his head.

"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?"

2007-09-03 00:28:58 · 16 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

2007-09-03 00:18:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-03 00:11:52 · 5 answers · asked by Washington 3

i fell off a ladder in my underpants and landed in a tray of paint everytime i tried to stand up i kepted slippng down ,and my wife couldnt laughingand me in my undies coved in paint ,ha, ha

2007-09-02 23:23:06 · 4 answers · asked by aidanj 3

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

2007-09-02 23:20:41 · 10 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

Just south of Miami, Tom, a gastric bypass doctor, was talking with Sally. Sally may want gastric banding. Gastric banding, Tom said, is not for small boys or girls. This is odd, Sally said. It is not doctor Tom’s information, but this paragraph that is odd.

How quickly can you find out what is unusual about this paragraph, too? It looks so ordinary that you would think that nothing is wrong with it at all-- and, in fact, nothing is. But it is a bit odd and possibly awkward. Why? If you study it and think about it, you may find out.


Answer: Not posted yet


http://www.mindchallenger.com/p45.html

2007-09-02 22:29:21 · 6 answers · asked by J.E Lane 2

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12- hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

2007-09-02 20:55:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-02 20:32:49 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

2007-09-02 18:42:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are trapped on an island. You only have in your possession a calendar.
There is no food on the island only water.
You are rescued a year later
How did you survive?

2007-09-02 17:57:15 · 14 answers · asked by Aimee B 6

That's what my city's motto is, and the sign is overlooking a graveyard. I was thinking about taking a picture of it and sending it in to Jay Leno. What do you think?

2007-09-02 17:43:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I'v e been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "isn't there anything you want?"

2007-09-02 16:40:49 · 3 answers · asked by Tessa 3

The teacher told her class they would work famous quotes from history. She would read the quote, and whoever could tell her who said the famous quote could go to recess early.
Her first one was: "Ask not what your country can do for u, but instead what u can do for your country." Dirty Johnny raised his hand. The taecher knew better than to call on him, so she said, "Is there anyone who knows the answer....anyone? A little girl in front of Johnny slowly raised her hand and said, "President John Fitzgerald Kennedy." The teacher told her to pack up her stuff and go to recess. The second one was: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." This time when Dirt Johnny raised his hand he waived it back and forth to get the teacher's attention. Yet again the teacher knew better than to call on him so she asked, "Please, is there anyone out there who knows the answer? Please anyone?" This little girl in the back row raised her hand and said....

continued in edit comment:

2007-09-02 16:20:40 · 5 answers · asked by Kristi 3

A pre school teacher says to her class,"Can anyone use the word'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says,"the sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says,"sorry Amber the sky can also be grey."
Then a little boy says."trees are definitely green."
"Sorry,but trees can be brown ,"says the teacher.
Johnny puts up his hand and asks the teacher,"Does a fart has lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says ,"Johnny,of course not."
"Well then I have DEFINITELY sh*t my pants.

2007-09-02 16:01:45 · 6 answers · asked by tyse13 3

I wanna hear a good joke please tell me a funny joke!!!
something a 12 year old would understand please?

2007-09-02 14:58:13 · 2 answers · asked by Nicole C 2

FINAL EXAM

At Duke University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.



Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back! they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.


They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.

For 95 points: Which tire?______________

2007-09-02 14:14:33 · 16 answers · asked by Ariel Mermaid 3

Nemesis goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives Nemesis a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims Nemesis excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks Nemesis, "I haven't been home yet."

2007-09-02 14:09:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

My watch is stuck in the TWILIGHT ZONE and it can't get out.

2007-09-02 14:03:25 · 12 answers · asked by JeffG 3

Su Wong married Lee Wong. The next year the Wongs have a baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely healthy bouncy but definitely caucasian white baby boy. " congratulations " says the nurse to the new parents. " and so tell us Mr Wong what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby ?"
Puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, " well two Wongs don't make a white, so I tink we will call him ..
Wait for it


Wait


Wait



Wait


"Sum Ting Wong ".

2007-09-02 13:40:43 · 25 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

1.what sounds like it should go very fast, but usually stays in one place, and it can go forwards or backwards and still work properly?

2.what comes only once in a year, only once a minute, but twice a week?

3.what sentence involves an owl and is the same forwards and backwards (not including spaces or puncuation, ex: "yo, banana boy" would work)

4.what do you get when you cross a komodo dragon with a skunk?

5.shitzu with a bulldog?

2007-09-02 13:30:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

2007-09-02 13:25:50 · 7 answers · asked by .::.Jessica.::. 2

2007-09-02 12:16:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-02 11:52:00 · 16 answers · asked by MCR obsessed :D 5

so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

2007-09-02 11:39:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm a nonsesquipedalianist, which is somebody who uses short words.

whats black and white and red all over? a cow with excema

when i proposed to my girlfriend i gave her a ring, in retrospect i should have done it in person.

If you dont have any patience don't become a doctor

why did the chicken cross the road? it thought it was a joke

I'm probably the most modest person in the world

What do you call a muslim between two buildings? Ali

That Trevor Bayblis winds me up

My father always used to say,"good things come to those who wait", thats why i decided to work in a restaurant

Which ones are funny (if any) and how would you improve them? Please if you are going to criticize me, make it constructive and give reasons and try to help, if you dont have anything nice to say,
**** off

2007-09-02 11:33:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A prim young lady had got married and was preparing to get into bed with her husband who was naked apart from his socks. She insisted he take them off but he was reluctant. Eventually he agreed but warned her she might have a shock..
It turns out half of his left foot had been cut off in an industrial accident, and he hadn't had the guts to tell her.
Shocked and upset, she phoned her mother, sobbing uncontrollably..
"Calm down dear, what's wrong?"
"He...he...sob...he's only got a foot and a half."
"You stop there, Darling, I'll get in with him."

2007-09-02 11:31:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous