Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.

“I’ll ask you a question,” the scholar explained, “and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50.”

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. “Ha!” said the scholar. “It’s 238,857 miles. Now it’s your turn.”

The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour–but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. “Okay, okay, what is the answer?” the scholar asked.

The man said, “I don’t know,” pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.

2007-09-03 15:51:54 · 3 answers · asked by Patty M 5

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a sexy, loose fitting pink dress.

As they walked through the primates exhibit, they passed in front of a large silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was pretty funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. With his encouragement, she did -- and it looked like the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now," he said, "show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. She was enjoying the attention and did it. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now," he told her, "tell him you have a headache!"

2007-09-03 15:46:43 · 5 answers · asked by Patty M 5

2007-09-03 15:22:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the Chinese church the paster said, "place all your tithes in the collection plate - we wil give all that you give to the lord". The folks prayed and went home.

The American paster heard about this and the next week in his church the pastor said, "place all your tithes in the collection plate - I'll will toss all the money at the alter and whatever makes it to the alter we will give it to the lord". The folks prayed and went home.

The Jamaican pastor heard about this and said to his flock, " place your tithes in the collection plate - I will toss it in the air and whatever stay there the lord shall keep"

2007-09-03 15:01:32 · 4 answers · asked by true_value5 4

YAY it's my b-day!! :) Do i get a STAR?????

Jk.....it really is my b-day but you dont have to give me a star :P

2007-09-03 14:55:05 · 10 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

Subject: TO BE 6 AGAIN

Troy was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
>
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.
>
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,and
then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day ! He put her on every
ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...
everything there was. Five hours Later they
staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
>
He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.
>
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda
pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
>
Troy leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like
being six again ??
>
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.
>
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb *** !!
>
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.
>

2007-09-03 14:37:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his

wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. George opened

the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people

in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said

'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should

simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police

again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people

stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry abou t them

now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an

ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars

red-handed.

2007-09-03 14:29:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I come almost everyday, but can eaisly destroyed, i am red
what is it

2007-09-03 14:20:12 · 15 answers · asked by Texfiєldяvox▒≠ღ♫♠♥♦♣©™ 3

Smila wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress Piscesburd, were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then, later, question each one on the other's behaviour.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behaviour of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.

"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

Disheartened Smila then met with his cheating mistress Piscesburd, to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" Smila asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side.

2007-09-03 14:12:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a duck staying in a hotel and he's having a few drinks in the bar when he notices Babyblue sitting alone and starts chatting with her.
They hit it off, so the duck suggests going back to his room for a nightcap.
Babyblue agrees.
One thing leads to another and they end up on the bed.
This is all very unexpected for the duck who's totally unprepared.
He rings room service and asks if they can supply hin with a cond*m.
"Certainly sir," a voice on the end of the phone replies..."Shall I put it on your bill?"
The duck yells back: "What do you think I am, some sort of pervert?

2007-09-03 13:53:51 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-03 13:30:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

How Babies are born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!

2007-09-03 13:29:53 · 11 answers · asked by Patty M 5

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?people named dogJesus

2007-09-03 13:25:02 · 8 answers · asked by Brian N 1

Larry had worked all his life, had saved all his money and was a realu miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife "When I die, I want you to take all of MY money and place it in the coffin with me. I want to take it with me to heaven."

After Larry died, he was stretched out in the casket, his Betty sitting there dressed in black, with her friends. When they finished the ceremoney and were just about to close the casket, Betty shouts "Wait a minute". She then places a small metal box into the casket with Larry, just as she promised.

When she sat back down, her friends all leaned over to her and asked, "You didn't put all that money in there with larry did you?"

Betty replied "Listen, I am a christian, I cannot go back on my word, I promised larry that I was going to put the money into the casket with him, so I wrote him a check for the full amount. The rest is safely in the bank for me to spend.

2007-09-03 13:16:27 · 10 answers · asked by ♥STREAKER♥©℗† 7

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

2007-09-03 13:06:37 · 13 answers · asked by h_biatch 2

It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.

As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.

The second said what if someone should come?

The first said we'll lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.

The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back "It is the blind man."

The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man can't see anything and let him in, at which time the man says "Nice **** sisters, where do you want these blinds?"

2007-09-03 12:40:36 · 18 answers · asked by h_biatch 2

the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde."Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says, "this is just regular underarm deodorant." The blonde says no, read the directions, it says to apply, push up bottom."

2007-09-03 12:35:39 · 9 answers · asked by melygoni 2

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G. I. Series - soldiers` ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor`s cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed `em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you`re out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

2007-09-03 12:20:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Big John met his angry wife at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at 6o'clock in the morning?"

"There is, Big John replied, "Breakfast!"

2007-09-03 12:13:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

2007-09-03 12:05:02 · 6 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

A big, good 'ol boy of a sherrif's deputy pulls the hippy over in a wash of blue strobe lights and approache the hippy van.
"Do y'all know why I stopped you?" the Deputy asks.
"Uh..Like no man..." the filthy hippy answers.
"Y'all didn't stop fer th' stop sign, thats why.."
"But dude, like I slowed down for it, and no one was coming the other way. I don't see any difference between slowin' and stoppin' for the stop sign"
The Deputy's face darkens with anger as he says "Step out of the vehicle sir."
The hippy steps out of the VW van, and the Deputy siezes him and commences to beat the hippy on the sides of his knees and back of his legs visciously with a baton and says "Y'all tell me the difference between stoppin'and slowing down. Do you want me to stop or do you want me to slow down?

2007-09-03 12:05:00 · 9 answers · asked by steve.57343 5

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to
a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and
he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New York. He told her that her
duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper

2007-09-03 12:01:03 · 8 answers · asked by ▀▀▀▀▀ 1

3 elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench, when a man lept out of the bushes and flashed them.

the first old lady had a stroke

the second old lady had a stroke

the third old lady's arms were too short

2007-09-03 11:57:55 · 4 answers · asked by diggerml 3

2007-09-03 11:57:08 · 5 answers · asked by tyler w 1

2007-09-03 11:55:37 · 3 answers · asked by tyler w 1

Jim Jnr decides to start a farm.So he walks into town to buy some animals.At the farmers' market he first asks for a rooster.
"We don't call them roosters here," the clerk says snootily. "We call them c ocks."
So Jim buys one c ock, then points at another animal and asks, "What do you call that?"
The clerk replies, "That's a pullet?"
Jim agrees to buy one.
Finally he asks for a donkey.
The clerk replies, "We don't call them donkeys, we call 'em as*es, but we only have one left a & he's very temperamental."
"What's wrong with it?"Jim asks; very determined that he must have a donkey.
"Once in a while it will stop walking & it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears," says the clerk.
Jim decides to buy it anyway & pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.
On the way the donkey suddenly stops & doesn't move.But Jim has his arms full with the c ock & pullet so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.....

2007-09-03 11:53:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a. Write a system of two equations with two variables for the problem.

b. What are the two numbers?

2007-09-03 11:52:29 · 2 answers · asked by tyler w 1

2007-09-03 11:50:07 · 12 answers · asked by tyler w 1

I ALMOST FELL OUT LAUGHIN AT THIS KID LIP SYNC!

http://funnyjunk.com/movies/607/Bohemian+Rapshody/

2007-09-03 11:44:35 · 6 answers · asked by julia❀✿ 5

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.

Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

2007-09-03 11:37:51 · 22 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4