Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

"lucky baby"

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

2007-09-02 11:31:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-02 11:07:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-02 10:51:24 · 10 answers · asked by Umm Ali 6

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-09-02 10:47:22 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, sorta.... I dare you to watch at least one of these.... I hope they show up. If you can't get it somehow, I'll try to put the correct links on.

http://www.rumdesign.com/wrong/............

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uvaqbguaor...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=qkz1v2en1l...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=daxvzpsafr...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=t_zggfh4z4...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=het-wx8r7r...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hzhx-dc6uf...


I think they work. Tell me what you think!!!!!
If you put on rude remarks, I'll just accuse you of being a chicken. haha. JUST WATCH!!!!

2007-09-02 10:39:57 · 8 answers · asked by Miz Gorgeous 2

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

2007-09-02 10:16:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.


"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

2007-09-02 10:03:28 · 9 answers · asked by Ink Corporate 7

Little boy is fidgeting at the check out, then suddenly says out loud, Mummy I want wee-wees. The mother is embarrassed and tells him to say in future, I want whisper whisper. That night the little lad enters his dads bedroom and says, Da I want whisper whisper. The Da says O.K. son, Do it in my ear hole.

2007-09-02 09:51:31 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Trying to revive the sex in her 20 year marriage. The woman went to a lingerie store and pick out a real sexy out fit. She went home and told her husband about the new lingerie she got and would surprise him that night.That night she told her husband to get in bed. She went into the bathroom to put on the new lingerie to surprise her husband. When she took it out of the box it fell in the toilet. It was soaked so she just walked out of the bathroom naked. Her husband looked at her and said " you should have ironed it first"

2007-09-02 09:47:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said “From 2-4 years.”

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it’s being cut down.

Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

What’s a blonde’s favorite color?
A light shade of clear.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

2007-09-02 09:42:39 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Mick Jagger says "Hey, You, Get Off Of My Cloud" and a Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe"

2007-09-02 09:33:08 · 12 answers · asked by Harvest 3

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked. “How much for these shoes?” she asked the store manager.

“$200″, he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?”

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blond persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes for free?!” he yelled.

“Fine I will,” the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried and decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one is NOT wearing shoes either!”

2007-09-02 09:32:39 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

It was share and tell day at Mrs. Blake's third grade class. Little Tommy was first to tell his story."This morning I was walking to school and saw some 8th graders put a firecracker in a dogs butt and lit it. When it went off it blew the dogs as* apart. The end. " The teacher said " Tommy you should have said rectum." Tommy said "rectum hell, it damn near killed him"

2007-09-02 09:30:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.


The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

2007-09-02 09:24:02 · 7 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

.. and writes a telegram. It reads: "Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof." He hands it to the clerk who then reads it. The clerk replies " Well, I see you have nine words here. You can have 10 words at no extra cost. Why not add another woof. The dog looks at her in puzzlement and replies "But then the telegram would make NO sense"

Well, it made me laugh. And its clean.
What do you think?

2007-09-02 09:16:03 · 13 answers · asked by Melok 4

4 blokes sat round a table in the pub
they start bragging about who's got the biggest c0ck
they decide to get them out on the table & compare sizes
at that moment 2 gays walk in & 1 says to the other
"oh look, they've put a buffet on"





ps tricky won the measuring contest.

2007-09-02 09:04:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This 90 year old man was walking down the street and he heard "pick me up" He looked around and didn't see anything. "old man pick me up" The old man looked down and saw a frog. "are you talking to me?" The frog said "yes I'm talking to you. Pick me up." The old man picked up the frog. The frog told the old man,"many, many years ago when I was a girl of 20 years old. A mean step mother put a curse on me and turned me into a frog" The old asked "why did she do that?" The frog answered. "Because I was so beautiful and had a perfect body. She was jealous of me. If you kiss me I will turn back into that beautiful 20 year girl. I will grant your every wish. You can have sex with me every day. Any kind of sex you want when ever you want. All you have to do is kiss me." The old put the frog in his pocket and continued walking down the street. " Didn't you hear what I said?" Asked the frog. "I will have every kind of sex possible with you If you kiss me." The old man took the frog out of his pocket and said. "At my age I rather have a talking frog"

2007-09-02 08:56:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

A little boy on his trycicle asked the man in the pickup next to him if he wanted to race. The man agreed, so when the stoplight turned red, he went 10 mph. The bot went back a little, then came back next to the man. him. So he went 30 mph. But he was still there. 50, then 80 mph, and the boy was still right next too him. So the man sped up to 100 mph. The boy was still there! The man pulled to a stop, as did the little boy.
The boy was breathing hard. The man asked him how he did that.
"gasp... gasp... My shirt was...stuck in your door!" the boy replied.
if you like it star me thank you

2007-09-02 08:26:09 · 12 answers · asked by sacha h 3

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's " SH*T " on your nose."

2007-09-02 08:24:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court and Mickey's lawyer tell the judge the Mickey wants a divorce on the grounds that she's insane. Mickey tell the judge I didn't say she's insane, I said she's f***ing Goofy!!!

2007-09-02 08:19:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

2007-09-02 08:17:06 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your *** Out All Day Long

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears

I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen

If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me

All My Exes Live in Texas

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight

I Thought She Was Out Jogging, But She Was Running Around On Me

If the Phone Don't Ring, It's Me Not Calling You Up

All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

(Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill

Peel Me a Nanner

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long

If Love Were Oil, I'd be a Quart Low

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure

I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy

Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole my Girl, but the Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got an Even Deal

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

I Sat Down On a Beartrap (Just This Morning)

I Sent Her Artificial Flowers For Her Artificial Love

Mama, Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Heaven's Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond And She Clubbed Me With a Spade

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

Your Negligee Has Turned To a Flannel Nightgown

You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off

You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me"

Do You Love As Good As You Look

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In

My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You're Going Against the Grain

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

Don't Chop Any Wood, Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load

If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

Bubba Shot the Jukebox

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.

There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin' for You

Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Thanks To the Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

2007-09-02 08:08:27 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a bus to go home. To his surprise, he sees a very good-looking nun in the back of the bus. He goes to the back of the bus and sits right in front of her. After about 5 minutes pass before he turns around and starts flirting with her. After about 10 minutes, he suggests that they get a drink and then maybe go to his place. The nun is scandalized and orders the man to leave her alone.
The man's stop finally came and he got up furiously and started walking away. On his way out, the bus driver asks him in a high-pitched voice what his problem is. He tells the bus driver about the nun and how she won't go out with him. The bus driver tells him that he could dress up as Jesus and tell her that, for the sake of her religion, she has to have sex with him. The bus driver says he can even tell her where she lives and that she usually prays late into the night.

2007-09-02 08:07:33 · 13 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

It is important to study the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it is usually the only type of cooking a real man will do - probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes a salad, prepares vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing her.

2007-09-02 07:52:31 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

I am a 6 letter word.
Letters 6-5-2 spell out a drink.
Letters 4-5-2-3 spell out a fruit.
Letters 1-2-6 spell out a pet.
Letters 3-2-6 spell out a pest, which often gets eaten by 1-2-6.

What Am I?

2007-09-02 07:44:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

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Did you know that 80% of UCSD students
could not find the error above

2007-09-02 07:40:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

John was going on a hunting trip. He rode out on Wednesday.
8 days later, he came back on a wednesday. How is this possible?

2007-09-02 07:33:50 · 7 answers · asked by JohnFlippinBrown 3

A jewish gas meter reader in berlin

LOL WITH ME

2007-09-02 06:26:37 · 7 answers · asked by trollman 1

Would you rather have...
1. a permanent smile

OR

2. a permanent erection

just wonderin...

2007-09-02 06:24:46 · 16 answers · asked by htsinc2 2

2007-09-02 06:16:11 · 14 answers · asked by tuthutop 2