Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.'HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! =====

2007-09-03 11:25:27 · 10 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

Doctor my husband always makes a lot of noise when we have sex",
When he climaxes he screams like a banshee"
" dont worry about it" said the Doctor,
"but i do" said the woman
"why" said the doc.

Well she said, " it always wakes me up

2007-09-03 11:23:38 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO shoud be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!

2007-09-03 11:20:30 · 36 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2007-09-03 11:12:55 · 3 answers · asked by jonjoleon 1

can you think of a creative email address for a kid? It should be memorable, clever, funny, random and original. Not cutesey! Best answer gets points!

2007-09-03 11:05:32 · 7 answers · asked by Thursday 3

CRAP, i 4got my lines!!

unfortunately, i didnt get this off the top of my head, i got this from a comic a long time ago..

OR, how 'bout this 1(also from a comic i subscribed 2 on "my yahoo");

"life is a trip....but it duznt come w/ a map"

2007-09-03 10:46:35 · 6 answers · asked by Tiff 3

A gorgeous young woman called calamity jane wanders over to the bar in a pub. She seductively signals at the barman smila to bring his face close to hers, then reaches out her hands and caresses his beard.
'Are you the manager?' she purrs, stroking his face.
'No,' he replies, wide eyed.
'Can you get him for me?'She whispers, running her hands through his hair.
' I'm afraid i can't,' smila breathes, clearly aroused.' Is there anything i can do?'
'Yes,' calamity continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth for him to suck. 'Tell him there's no loo paper or soap in the ladies toilets.'

2007-09-03 10:10:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

My Uncle Pete says females are the ones who go underneath, have squeaky voices and think that lettuce is a foodstuff.

2007-09-03 09:03:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

2007-09-03 08:46:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a brick weighs a kilogram+half a brick,How much does a brick weigh?.

2007-09-03 08:11:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was some rhymes they called limericks
That were told by smart men and dimwits
There easy to make
A real piece of cake
Until you get to the last line

Sorry couldn't resist that one lol

2007-09-03 07:51:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guard is standing at the gate to the afterlife and for every 3 people only one get to go to heaven. three men appear one after the other and he asks them what their stories of death are, individually.
Man 1 says: "Well, I'd known my wife was having an affair for a long time, so I came home early to try and catch her in the act. I looked around the house and heard her in the shower, so I searched for the man. Upon entering the living room, I saw a man dangling from my balcony rail by the tips of his fingers, so I ran and got a hammer to make him let go. He fell 2 stories, but didnt die, so in a fit of rage I shoved the refridgerator out on top of him aswell. Then I felt so bad, I took my own life."
Man 2 says: "I had recently bought a new aerobics video, and was practising in my living room. I opened my french windows onto the balcony so I could use that aswell, but in the process of attempting a flip I fell over the edge of the balcony. (continued below)

2007-09-03 07:39:21 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

do they think of yesterday, last weeks lunch..
some annoying Bull' last year jokes.

2007-09-03 07:32:25 · 32 answers · asked by denis9705 5

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

2007-09-03 06:45:10 · 3 answers · asked by dontouchmedontrustme 3

there once was a girl from nantucket,
who found a big hole in her bucket.
she couldnt think what to do,
tried to fix it with glue,
but in the end said...........




ill get a new bucket...... :P

2007-09-03 06:38:12 · 14 answers · asked by mattb77 3

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from
hospital charts)


1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

2007-09-03 06:21:46 · 28 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

how many hippies does it take to change a light bulb
first right answer takes it all.............................

2007-09-03 06:06:32 · 6 answers · asked by buggys 4

2007-09-03 06:04:40 · 7 answers · asked by charlesdclimer 5

How did it help his career even before he gave the speech?

2007-09-03 06:00:14 · 6 answers · asked by charlesdclimer 5

imagine to be on a deserted Island (as is the famous movie with Tom hanks), But with the possibility to choose three things, to take with you, What would you do have with you?

I would bring with me:

1) My Mp3 Player, My mp3 player, filled up of Queen's Songs
2) A Hammer for buid up a raft ( I hope to find in the place something similar to nails.
3) A picture of my wife and my Son, so that I don't forget never them!

and you?

2007-09-03 04:41:45 · 19 answers · asked by Tony 4

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65."
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"

2007-09-03 04:37:18 · 13 answers · asked by Patty M 5

A little girlgoes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits"
The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like the widdle bwown one over there"
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees , leans forward and whispers " I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc".

2007-09-03 04:09:23 · 13 answers · asked by Gary Crant 7

2007-09-03 04:00:10 · 8 answers · asked by Monsieur Recital Vinyliste 6

Bubba died in a fire & his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter & Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, & when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Crap, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over & Cooter said,"Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was pretty strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body & said, "Gawd, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over & Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said," Well, Bubba had two azzholes."
"What, he had two azzholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them two azzholes."

2007-09-03 03:58:21 · 5 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

2007-09-03 03:33:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm finished with Q and A. its not my cup of tea

2007-09-03 02:27:43 · 40 answers · asked by rupert 3

Who says this a;; the time and it is off movies and video games first to guess right get 10 points

2007-09-03 02:10:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-03 01:20:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

(cont'd)

2007-09-03 01:20:11 · 10 answers · asked by Rastafarianhobo 4

2007-09-03 01:08:17 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous